Child stars are funny critters. Once they start to grow pubic hair or develop a deeper voice, it generally means that Mickey Mouse can no longer work with the individual in question, usually tossing them to the pavement for Pluto to mock.
Once you’ve appeared in a Disney show, you somehow have to prove yourself so you can go on and get serious work.
There are a variety of ways to achieve this. Miley Cyrus posed in her undercrackers and had a go on a bong whilst Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera flashed their genitals. Vanessa Hudgens is known for being part of the irritating High School Musical franchise where everyone seemed worryingly happy on a permanent scale.
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Zac Efron has the strangest of faces. It’s actually flawless to the point where you can almost imagine a great big green diamond over his head like he’s Simlish or something. We’ve never tried barking orders at him so we can make him urinate or set fire to a microwave, but we’re certain that it could happen.
Likewise, Vanessa Hudgens is similarly perfect. She looks like she’s been designed by a lonely CGI artist, asked to create the ideal girl for jaded teenagers who want something wholesome to masturbate over.
And of course, this pair made for one of the most capsizingly dull couples in Hollywood, livened up briefly by some self-shot nude photos and a break-up. However, it looks like they’re enjoying each other’s lips with some deft reboundery.
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Zac Efron (Rob Lowe in a lesbian wig) and Vanessa Hudgens (you’ve seen her in the nip) split up didn’t they? This left furious onanists the world over imagining an implausible scenario where they might have sex with their preferred person of the couple. Or both.
Well, enjoy your pleasures of the palm while you can because it looks like they might be back together. This, of course, is planet-splittingly important and vital news for everyone.
And how do we know they’re giving it another go? Well, the irrefutable proof lies in the fact that Zac Efron (an unrealistic GI Joe figure in slacks) was spotted visiting Hudgens’ (you’re still thinking about those nude snaps aren’t you?) house. This definitely means they’re having intercourse again.
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Zac Efron may well be the most peculiar looking chap on Earth. Simultaneously, he looks like a 40 year old lesbian, the most American young person ever, a very sophisticated mandroid, Rob Lowe in a Justin Bieber wig and a relaxed calf muscle.
Vanessa Hudgens meanwhile looked like a tidy belly button peering out of a hairy stomach and of course, has shown everyone her bush on the internet.
Between them, they were one of Hollywood’s dream couples. However, after a four-year High School Musical romance, they’ve both decided to admit to themselves that they can’t stand the sight of each other. Yes indeed stalkers! Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens have split up! You should probably send them things and see if you can capture their hearts. In a cloth sack.
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In what has come as a colossal blow to my ‘surely must be gay’ celebrity sweepstake, Zac ‘perfect hair’, ‘knee-trembling smile’, ‘obvious aversion to sticking his helmet anywhere near a ladies part, thank you very much, no siree, bob’ Efron has confirmed his visit to a strip club.
This is bad news. Very bad news indeed. I’ve got 50p riding on the definite outcome of his sexuality.
This is almost as bad as that time he stood quite near to Megan Fox and they were definitely going to make babies in the nearest available alleyway as soon as one of them managed to emote the most simple human emotion to the other. Fortunately, that was scuppered by the fact that they’re both basically a-sexual vacuumed-packed plastic people. But this sounds bad – strippers? They’re not real people!
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Without irony or hyperbole, the Teen Choice Awards sounds like the worst place on the face of the planet.
Why? Because Robert Pattinson was there. And The Jonas Brothers were there. And it was held yesterday, in Los Angeles in the summer. And Robert Pattinson and The Jonas Brothers are famed for making teenage girls urinate uncontrollably. And the sun is famed for its ability to evaporate liquid. So put it together and what do you get? Piss clouds. You get thousands of people at the Teen Choice Awards inhaling giant clouds of each other’s piss.
Plus: Miley Cyrus! Ugh.
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Jealousy is a sad, bad thing for everyone involved – and it’s especially bad when it involves some of the most incredibly talented A-list performers in the world today.
Which means this news isn’t as bad as it could have been, because it only involves Megan Fox and Zac Efron.
Anyway, these little blighters have done the worst thing imaginable – they’ve tried to steal some news space away from Michael Jackson by definitely (possibly) getting married (dating), all while the world’s favourite singer is preparing for his headline shows at the O2…
What do you mean he’s dead?!
Ah.
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Think of a collection of the worst people imaginable – they would be arrogant, stupid, irritating and thoroughly pointless. The kind of people you get writing for hecklerspray, for example.
Now imagine that collection is coming together in order to remake a movie that – as with most old movies – needs no remake and you’re left with the situation we have today.
For you see, Simon Cowell and Timbaland are rumoured to have joined forces to create a remake of Saturday Night Fever. Starring Zac Efron.
For proof there is no such thing as god, see the above short paragraph.
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