Lindsay Lohan’s Alleged Bang List has Been Revealed

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For the record, the word “alleged” would not be in the title of this blog post if this was 2004, because in 2004 Lindsay Lohan could 100% bang every major hunk in Hollywood. But it’s not 2004, so the word stays. In Touch magazine (if Us Weekly is Walmart then In Touch is like…Zellers or K Mart) is saying that back in January 30, 2013 Lindsay Lohan downed a bunch of cocktails at the Beverly Hills Hotel with her girlfriends and decided to make a list of all the people she’s banged.

First of all, I’m calling bullshit on this for a lot of reasons. 1) I don’t trust In Touch magazine because not even a Kardashian would sell them a story, 2) the list says she’s only banged 36 people which is nowhere near how many people I personally have seen her make out with (if you publicly make out with someone than you’re sleeping with them, right?), and 3) when you see the people who were on the list you are going to eye roll yourself into oblivion.

On lookers who claimed to have watched Lindsay write up the list had this to say:

They were giggling and talking shit about people in the industry. It was her personal conquest list. She was trying to impress her friends with the list and then tossed it aside.

As someone who has been following Lindsay’s career and personal life to a painfully sad degree, I have examined the celebs on this list and have decided who Lindsay has actually banged and who was just an Adderall hallucination.

1) Justin Timberlake: I’m going to go ahead and blame this on the alcohol. Not that J. Tim hasn’t banged hot messes before, but more so that homeboy is never single, like ever. He was with Britney forever, then Jenna Dewan, then he was with Alyssa Milano, then Cameron Diaz, and finally Jessica Biel. Justin seems like a commitment kind of guy, not a coke bang Lindsay Lohan once type, so I’m chalking this one up to drunken bragging.

2) Zac Efron: By the time Zac Efron got even remotely famous, Lindsay Lohan was on her downward spiral and he was dating Vanessa Hudgens. By the time him and Vanessa broke up, he was one of the sexiest young actors in Hollywood and Lindsay Lohan was the hot mess we know and love her to be now, so I’m going to say that she just wanted to say she banged mega babe Zac Efron and that this didn’t really happen.

3) Jared Leto: Well this definitely happened. Back in the good old days (when Lindsay still had a career), Jared cast her in his movie Chapter 27 and the two were allegedly dating for a while. Paps caught her leaving his house in the morning several times. He even took her to a fashion show with his BFF, the super creepy Terry Richardson, one time:

linsanityPlus, Jared Leto was really lowering his standards around this time: he was also caught with Paris Hilton a whole bunch. Ew.

4) Joaquin Phoenix: You know what? Sure. That guy seems pretty nuts, maybe he thought the ultimate way to prove his insanity was by banging Lindsay Lohan. I’d believe that.

5) Colin Farrell: Lindsay and Colin were linked back in her prime; she even made an appearance on SNL one time when he hosted, plus he’s banged everyone in Hollywood (even Angelina Jolie!) so yeah, sure, I think that one is true.

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6) Evan Peters: I think this is another case of Lindsay just wanting to say she banged a current pretty boy. I’m not buying it.

7) Wilmer Valderrama: Well, obviously! They dated for like evvvvvveeeeer (or maybe a year, whatever). He even famously confirmed that her breasts were real!

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8) Jamie Dornan: The insanely sexy actor (who is going to play Christina Grey in the sure-to-be terrible, 50 Shades of Grey movie) was banging a lot of young Hollywood babes in the early 2000s (when Lindsay was in her prime) so I’m going to give this one a probably. Another fun fact: Jamie is now married to Colin Farrell’s ex-wife, so I guess they’ve got a couple of crossovers. Cute!

9) James Franco: It’s James Franco, so sure! Plus, he said in This is the End that he banged her. I know it was a movie, but I bet that it was true! (Plus, there were rumors they banged a few years back)

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Actually, now that I reflect on it, there seem to be more people on this list that I believe she banged than I think she made up. So, wow, yeah, good job, Lindz! You get down with your bad self! You relive those glory days of back when you could bang the hottest men in Hollywood, because, let’s be real, those days are behind you now.

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