Articles tagged with: Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise Wants That Gun-Flailing Army Man To Keep Away
Now he's been pegged as Hollywood's leading creepily insincere sci-fi nutjob, Tom Cruise needs all the fans he can get. Unless, you know, those fans keep turning up at his house without permission because they're fanatical veterans' rights activists with a history of psychiatric issues who keep shutting down freeways by allegedly waving flags and guns around. That's bad news for Edward Van Tassel - he's exactly that, and he's been given a restraining order forcing him to stay away from Tom Cruise. Phew, that was close - it's a good job these mentally ill gun-toting rogue soldiers respect court orders so diligently, eh?
Now he's been pegged as Hollywood's leading creepily insincere sci-fi nutjob, Tom Cruise needs all the fans he can get. Unless, you know, those fans keep turning up at his house without permission because they're fanatical veterans' rights activists with a history of psychiatric issues who keep shutting down freeways by allegedly waving flags and guns around. That's bad news for Edward Van Tassel - he's exactly that, and he's been given a restraining order forcing him to stay away from Tom Cruise. Phew, that was close - it's a good job these mentally ill gun-toting rogue soldiers respect court orders so diligently, eh?
Amazon Pulls Stupid Scientology Book, Author Blames Stupid Tom Cruise
When the powers that be ordered all American readings of Huckleberry Finn be cancelled, the US school system complied immediately. And for good reason too - the western world simply wasn't ready for its interracial NAMBLA undertones. You know who was ready though? Perverts. But that's besides the point. Books still get banned you know. All the time - why just recently the British arm of Amazon.com reached into its electronic library, grabbed a tell-all work of non-fiction by the spine and thrashed it to and fro until the pages thereof had all fluttered loosely to the ground. Rumour has it the book was pulled by the heavy hand of Tom Cruise who, for the record, denies any involvement in this literary scandal. His influence is implied because the novel's topic is - you guessed it - Esoteric Christianity. Or whatever that thing is he's deep into.
When the powers that be ordered all American readings of Huckleberry Finn be cancelled, the US school system complied immediately. And for good reason too - the western world simply wasn't ready for its interracial NAMBLA undertones. You know who was ready though? Perverts. But that's besides the point. Books still get banned you know. All the time - why just recently the British arm of Amazon.com reached into its electronic library, grabbed a tell-all work of non-fiction by the spine and thrashed it to and fro until the pages thereof had all fluttered loosely to the ground. Rumour has it the book was pulled by the heavy hand of Tom Cruise who, for the record, denies any involvement in this literary scandal. His influence is implied because the novel's topic is - you guessed it - Esoteric Christianity. Or whatever that thing is he's deep into.
Suri Cruise The Most Powerful Baby, Says Genuinely Creepy List
Have you ever stayed awake at night wondering who the most influential celebrity baby is? You have? You're on some sort of government register, aren't you. However, on the off-chance that your interest in the preschool children of Hollywood celebrities is down to something other that surging waves of barely-controlled paedophilia, you should take a look at the just-published Forbes annual '10 Hottest Tots' lists. Just, you know, be sure to hide the magazine inside a less incriminating magazine first, like Big Droopy Knockers or Readers Disgusting BDSM Infantilism Fantasies. And, for anyone who actually cares, Suri Cruise was named the most influential baby this year. Of course, it seems silly to rank toddlers based on their power and influence but, since Suri Cruise is the only celebrity baby able to summon the mighty Xenu to smite her foes inside his all-powerful fist, she was probably always going to make at least the top three.
Have you ever stayed awake at night wondering who the most influential celebrity baby is? You have? You're on some sort of government register, aren't you. However, on the off-chance that your interest in the preschool children of Hollywood celebrities is down to something other that surging waves of barely-controlled paedophilia, you should take a look at the just-published Forbes annual '10 Hottest Tots' lists. Just, you know, be sure to hide the magazine inside a less incriminating magazine first, like Big Droopy Knockers or Readers Disgusting BDSM Infantilism Fantasies. And, for anyone who actually cares, Suri Cruise was named the most influential baby this year. Of course, it seems silly to rank toddlers based on their power and influence but, since Suri Cruise is the only celebrity baby able to summon the mighty Xenu to smite her foes inside his all-powerful fist, she was probably always going to make at least the top three.
Tom Cruise & Charlize Theron: Together At, Um, Last?
You know what movie we'd love to see? A movie starring the pointless one from Hancock and the pointless one from Lions For Lambs. And guess what? That movie is being made. According to reports, Charlize Theron and Tom Cruise are set to team up for an adaptation of French movie The Tourist, with a script written by Oscar-winning writer Julian Fellowes. Without knowing too much about The Tourist, it's safe to say that Tom Cruise is still after that Oscar. It seems clear to us that Tom is only making the movie to glean Oscar-winning tips from Fellowes and Theron, and then put them to use in his next movie - which we're expecting to be about a dirty-faced, slightly disfigured woman played by Tom Cruise who talks in lots of half sentences over himself all the time.
You know what movie we'd love to see? A movie starring the pointless one from Hancock and the pointless one from Lions For Lambs. And guess what? That movie is being made. According to reports, Charlize Theron and Tom Cruise are set to team up for an adaptation of French movie The Tourist, with a script written by Oscar-winning writer Julian Fellowes. Without knowing too much about The Tourist, it's safe to say that Tom Cruise is still after that Oscar. It seems clear to us that Tom is only making the movie to glean Oscar-winning tips from Fellowes and Theron, and then put them to use in his next movie - which we're expecting to be about a dirty-faced, slightly disfigured woman played by Tom Cruise who talks in lots of half sentences over himself all the time.
Katie Holmes Does Some Acting, Seems To Think It’s A Big Deal
With the economy the way it is, what better way to cheer everyone up than a 61-year-old play about suicide starring Tom Cruise's wife? Last night, that's what the world got - Katie Holmes made her Broadway debut in Arthur Miller's All My Sons. It's a big career move for her - we'll no longer see Katie Holmes as Tom Cruise's wife, but as Tom Cruise's wife who Tom Cruise occasionally lets star in plays so long as she promises to never get more famous than him. All My Sons is, of course, a harsh critique of the American dream and an examination of culpability in the face of death. Or at least it was - we hear that Tom Cruise was at dress rehearsal last night, and as a result the finished play has got more atomic bombs and volcanoes and evil alien overlords in it. Plus the Katie Holmes character is now locked in something called a 'Thetan Cage' for the entire play. We don't know why that is.
With the economy the way it is, what better way to cheer everyone up than a 61-year-old play about suicide starring Tom Cruise's wife? Last night, that's what the world got - Katie Holmes made her Broadway debut in Arthur Miller's All My Sons. It's a big career move for her - we'll no longer see Katie Holmes as Tom Cruise's wife, but as Tom Cruise's wife who Tom Cruise occasionally lets star in plays so long as she promises to never get more famous than him. All My Sons is, of course, a harsh critique of the American dream and an examination of culpability in the face of death. Or at least it was - we hear that Tom Cruise was at dress rehearsal last night, and as a result the finished play has got more atomic bombs and volcanoes and evil alien overlords in it. Plus the Katie Holmes character is now locked in something called a 'Thetan Cage' for the entire play. We don't know why that is.
Tom Cruise Weathers Tropic(al) Thunder to Walk Katie Holmes to Work. Or Something.
It would appear that Katie Holmes didn't manage to run away from Tom Cruise as fast as we would have hoped for the poor girl. She did manage to escape to the other side of the US 'to be in a Broadway show', as the official story put it - we know that was just a cover, and we urged Katie to run for her Creeking life. But it would seem her cover of 'I have a job over there' didn't hold water with hubby Tom Cruise, and the fat bald one from Tropic Thunder has re-stamped his authority on Katie Holmes. We tried to save her, we really did, but for some people there's just no way around it. She's consigned herself to a lifetime of being lead around by a dwarf, as she allowed the Cruiser to fly all the way across the country just to walk her to work. Why didn't you run, Katie? Why?
It would appear that Katie Holmes didn't manage to run away from Tom Cruise as fast as we would have hoped for the poor girl. She did manage to escape to the other side of the US 'to be in a Broadway show', as the official story put it - we know that was just a cover, and we urged Katie to run for her Creeking life. But it would seem her cover of 'I have a job over there' didn't hold water with hubby Tom Cruise, and the fat bald one from Tropic Thunder has re-stamped his authority on Katie Holmes. We tried to save her, we really did, but for some people there's just no way around it. She's consigned herself to a lifetime of being lead around by a dwarf, as she allowed the Cruiser to fly all the way across the country just to walk her to work. Why didn't you run, Katie? Why?
Tom Cruise Causes Sleeper Puns to Take Over the Internet. We’re Not Happy.
Tom Cruise is continuing his run of trying to make people think he's less of a massive mental, religious freak. First he stopped jumping around like a particularly stupid chimp, he stopped going on about Scientology in public - though he did see some of his private video collection released, much to the delight/terror (delete as appropriate) of the general public - and he's seeing some rave reviews flying about for his small role in Tropic Thunder. So what next? Well, it's obvious isn't it? Star in a superhero film, and get someone like Sam Raimi on board to produce. Which is, apparently, what's being pushed for by Tom Cruise and Warner Bros, who own the rights to Sleeper - a short running comic book series from a few years back. Well, Raimi's already on board, but you get the point. And you can't fault the man's logic.
Tom Cruise is continuing his run of trying to make people think he's less of a massive mental, religious freak. First he stopped jumping around like a particularly stupid chimp, he stopped going on about Scientology in public - though he did see some of his private video collection released, much to the delight/terror (delete as appropriate) of the general public - and he's seeing some rave reviews flying about for his small role in Tropic Thunder. So what next? Well, it's obvious isn't it? Star in a superhero film, and get someone like Sam Raimi on board to produce. Which is, apparently, what's being pushed for by Tom Cruise and Warner Bros, who own the rights to Sleeper - a short running comic book series from a few years back. Well, Raimi's already on board, but you get the point. And you can't fault the man's logic.
Angelina Jolie Steals Tom Cruise’s Job: Scientology Shockingly Not Involved
It's a wonder Angelina Jolie still has time for movies these days, what with her off saving the world, donating to charity and stealing all the kids from Africa. But apparently she of the lips fame does have time - not only time, but she also has the inclination to take roles that were initially meant for one Tom Cruise. Not content with stealing all the babies from the birthplace of humanity, it would seem that Angelina Jolie also wants to steal roles from Scientologists. At least, that's what it looks like on current evidence. The long-touted but never actually made Edwin A. Salt is reportedly the film that Jolie will be taking the lead role in, with the title receiving a change as we would all expect. Edwina A. Salt doesn't sound that good, mind, so hopefully they'll put more thought into it than we have.
It's a wonder Angelina Jolie still has time for movies these days, what with her off saving the world, donating to charity and stealing all the kids from Africa. But apparently she of the lips fame does have time - not only time, but she also has the inclination to take roles that were initially meant for one Tom Cruise. Not content with stealing all the babies from the birthplace of humanity, it would seem that Angelina Jolie also wants to steal roles from Scientologists. At least, that's what it looks like on current evidence. The long-touted but never actually made Edwin A. Salt is reportedly the film that Jolie will be taking the lead role in, with the title receiving a change as we would all expect. Edwina A. Salt doesn't sound that good, mind, so hopefully they'll put more thought into it than we have.
