Posts tagged as:

Tom Cruise

Rob Lowe Vs. Tom Cruise! The Victor – Not Rob’s Grasp Of World Affairs.

by Paul Pencott

We’re not ashamed to admit we quite like Rob Lowe. We’ve forgiven him all that St. Elmo’s Fire pretty-boy nonsense now that he’s starting to look agreeably rumpled, he was good at striding down corridors and talking quickly on the West Wing and we’re impressed with his surprisingly good comic timing. And be honest with [...]

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Katie Holmes Does Not Stick Drugs Up Her, Just So We’re All Clear On That

by Mof Gimmers

Katie ‘towers over her mental husband’ Holmes does not take drugs. Okay? Can we just get that clear in our tiny little minds? She’s definitely not a drug addict. Absolutely, positively not a druggy mess. Okay? See, that’s the official line after Holmes settled a defamation claim with a US celebrity magazine over an article [...]

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Nicole Kidman Stalked By Drunk Wizard

by Joanna Bolouri

Here at hecklerspray, we take stalking very seriously indeed. So seriously in fact, we spend all of our bingo winnings on really hi-tech night vision goggles making sure all those celebrities are safe from harm while undressing in front of their bedroom windows at night. However, in the days before Tom Cruise was the only [...]

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Suri Cruise Performs Anarcho-Punk Act Of Guerilla Satire With A Bag Of Penises

by Justrestingmyeyes

Life’s got to be pretty damn dull when you’re a celebrity spawn. Once you’ve got used to the endless procession of uncles with big flashy cameras that Mummy is so fond of twirling about in front of, and the endless procession of nannies that Daddy keeps disappearing to the toilet with and making squeak like [...]

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Katie Holmes Sues Magazine For Telling Slightly More Lies Than Usual

by Amy Grindhouse

Katie Holmes is suing mad over Star Magazine telling filthy, filthy lies about her alleged drug addiction. That addiction, you know. The one where she’s addicted to Charlie Sheen, or something. We’re pretty sure at least one person in this story’s addicted to Charlie Sheen. The actress has filed a libel lawsuit in federal court [...]

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FBI To Investigate Scientology Folks Over Claims Over Human Trafficking And Slave Claims (Contains Jokes)

by Mof Gimmers

One thing that Scientologists fall back on in the face of criticism, is this statement: “Would you mock another religion like Judaism or Christianity?” In our case, we frequently do, so lets make with the sneering. Mentalist alien botherers over at the Church of Scientology are getting investigated by the FBI over some pretty serious [...]

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Are Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Splitting Up? Probably Not

by Kris Silver

Katie Holmes may well have finally escaped from the clutches of Tom Cruise, if reports in some glossy yank rag are to be believed. The Star is reporting that the Tomkat experience is over and no longer a thread to the rest of us with their weird placenta eating ways. You can’t really blame them for thinking [...]

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Tom Cruise To Star In Top Gun 2?

by Mof Gimmers

The point of an actor is to be nothing. Actors are supposed to be like sponges, taking on other characteristics so when they appear on film, you believe you’re watching a real person, as opposed to That Famous Person portraying a character. The best thespians are invisible. Which is why Tom Cruise hasn’t done much [...]

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‘Fountain of Youth’ Suri Cruise Keeps Tom Cruise Young

by Amy Grindhouse

Tom Cruise has denied that he’s nightly bathing in the blood of virginal $cientology converts, in order to stave off the ravages of age. That’s probably a wise denial, if ever we heard one. Tom turned 48 years old on July 3rd. As is customary at this time of year, a painting in his attic [...]

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Goin’ up and goin’ down.

Folded:

* Toy Story 3 (a great couple of weeks for great movies)

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