Articles tagged with: Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise & Hitler’s Globe Virtually Embroiled In Strange Legal Action!
Hitler had a face that only a mother could love - a blind, drunk mother whose eyeballs were probably in the bottom of a reservoir somewhere filled with cataracts. As far as our top five list of attractive dictators goes, Hitler's not even on it. You know who is though? General Mao. Sure he was mean, but he had the jaw-line of a god. Adolf was ugly alright - but don't tell that to Eva Braun. She used to lick sugar off his greasy cheek bones (Germans think that's an exfoliator). Imagine how dumb she'd feel once she found out he was ugly. Hideous as he was, though, Hitler apparently had good taste in globes. And that, through a series of strange events, now has Tom Cruise hovering on the brink of a huge gaping lawsuit.
Hitler had a face that only a mother could love - a blind, drunk mother whose eyeballs were probably in the bottom of a reservoir somewhere filled with cataracts. As far as our top five list of attractive dictators goes, Hitler's not even on it. You know who is though? General Mao. Sure he was mean, but he had the jaw-line of a god. Adolf was ugly alright - but don't tell that to Eva Braun. She used to lick sugar off his greasy cheek bones (Germans think that's an exfoliator). Imagine how dumb she'd feel once she found out he was ugly. Hideous as he was, though, Hitler apparently had good taste in globes. And that, through a series of strange events, now has Tom Cruise hovering on the brink of a huge gaping lawsuit.
Tom Cruise Will Be Your Best Friend If You’re Nice About Valkyrie
Things aren't looking so great for Tom Cruise's big new comeback movie Valkyrie. Apparently a big action film about a one-eyed Tom Cruise trying to batter Hitler to death with a suitcase isn't all that. Who knew? However, Tom Cruise isn't going down without a fight. It's been claimed that staff at a radio station were offered a free screening of Valkyrie - at Tom Cruise's actual house - but only on the proviso that they all said that Valkyrie was a masterpiece, that Tom Cruise was a sexy virtuoso of acting and that Katie Holmes' dungeon actually didn't look that uncomfortable really.
Things aren't looking so great for Tom Cruise's big new comeback movie Valkyrie. Apparently a big action film about a one-eyed Tom Cruise trying to batter Hitler to death with a suitcase isn't all that. Who knew? However, Tom Cruise isn't going down without a fight. It's been claimed that staff at a radio station were offered a free screening of Valkyrie - at Tom Cruise's actual house - but only on the proviso that they all said that Valkyrie was a masterpiece, that Tom Cruise was a sexy virtuoso of acting and that Katie Holmes' dungeon actually didn't look that uncomfortable really.
Tom Cruise Somehow Makes Katie Holmes’ Birthday All About Him
The end of the play All My Sons is profoundly sad - when the family's patriarch kills himself to end his unbearable guilt and then everyone celebrates with cake. Wait a minute, everyone celebrates with what? That isn't in the script - All My Sons ends with the patriarch killing himself to end his unbearable guilt and then everyone unites in a tableau of profound grief. Where's all this bloody cake come from? Oh, Tom Cruise. We should have known. Yesterday was Katie Holmes' 30th birthday, so Tom Cruise sent cake and champagne for everyone in the play to enjoy. In a tableau of profound grief, obviously.
The end of the play All My Sons is profoundly sad - when the family's patriarch kills himself to end his unbearable guilt and then everyone celebrates with cake. Wait a minute, everyone celebrates with what? That isn't in the script - All My Sons ends with the patriarch killing himself to end his unbearable guilt and then everyone unites in a tableau of profound grief. Where's all this bloody cake come from? Oh, Tom Cruise. We should have known. Yesterday was Katie Holmes' 30th birthday, so Tom Cruise sent cake and champagne for everyone in the play to enjoy. In a tableau of profound grief, obviously.
Actor Strike: Hollywood’s Weird, Slightly Crappy Civil War
Previously, the only way you'd see Tom Hanks fighting Mel Gibson was to watch the unmade movie Forrest Gump Punches Mad Max In Space. But now Tom Hanks and Mel Gibson have emerged as figureheads on opposing sides of a dispute over whether actors should go on strike because there aren't enough fame-blinded young nymphomaniacs who'll indulge their every fleeting sexual whim or whatever. Mel Gibson is for the strike, Tom Hanks is against it. Sadly Mel Gibson will win, because the dispute will be settled by charging at each other across a field. Poor Tom Hanks - if only it involved growing a crap mullet and ranting about Jesus.
Previously, the only way you'd see Tom Hanks fighting Mel Gibson was to watch the unmade movie Forrest Gump Punches Mad Max In Space. But now Tom Hanks and Mel Gibson have emerged as figureheads on opposing sides of a dispute over whether actors should go on strike because there aren't enough fame-blinded young nymphomaniacs who'll indulge their every fleeting sexual whim or whatever. Mel Gibson is for the strike, Tom Hanks is against it. Sadly Mel Gibson will win, because the dispute will be settled by charging at each other across a field. Poor Tom Hanks - if only it involved growing a crap mullet and ranting about Jesus.
Tom Cruise Is Sorry For Absolutely Everything
In many ways, Tom Cruise sees his new movie Valkyrie as redemption for all the berseko weirdness he's forced on us lately. Look, OK, we know that technically Lions For Lambs was the movie that was supposed to be Tom Cruise's redemption from all the berserko weirdness, but nobody watched that so it doesn't count. Understood? So instead, Tom Cruise is promoting Valkyrie by continuing his long, painful roadshow of apologies. This time, Tom has dropped in Matt Lauer to say sorry for calling him 'glib' during an interview three years ago. Great - maybe soon he'll apologise for letting us waste our lives watching War Of The Worlds as well.
In many ways, Tom Cruise sees his new movie Valkyrie as redemption for all the berseko weirdness he's forced on us lately. Look, OK, we know that technically Lions For Lambs was the movie that was supposed to be Tom Cruise's redemption from all the berserko weirdness, but nobody watched that so it doesn't count. Understood? So instead, Tom Cruise is promoting Valkyrie by continuing his long, painful roadshow of apologies. This time, Tom has dropped in Matt Lauer to say sorry for calling him 'glib' during an interview three years ago. Great - maybe soon he'll apologise for letting us waste our lives watching War Of The Worlds as well.
Tom Cruise Wants That Gun-Flailing Army Man To Keep Away
Now he's been pegged as Hollywood's leading creepily insincere sci-fi nutjob, Tom Cruise needs all the fans he can get. Unless, you know, those fans keep turning up at his house without permission because they're fanatical veterans' rights activists with a history of psychiatric issues who keep shutting down freeways by allegedly waving flags and guns around. That's bad news for Edward Van Tassel - he's exactly that, and he's been given a restraining order forcing him to stay away from Tom Cruise. Phew, that was close - it's a good job these mentally ill gun-toting rogue soldiers respect court orders so diligently, eh?
Now he's been pegged as Hollywood's leading creepily insincere sci-fi nutjob, Tom Cruise needs all the fans he can get. Unless, you know, those fans keep turning up at his house without permission because they're fanatical veterans' rights activists with a history of psychiatric issues who keep shutting down freeways by allegedly waving flags and guns around. That's bad news for Edward Van Tassel - he's exactly that, and he's been given a restraining order forcing him to stay away from Tom Cruise. Phew, that was close - it's a good job these mentally ill gun-toting rogue soldiers respect court orders so diligently, eh?
Amazon Pulls Stupid Scientology Book, Author Blames Stupid Tom Cruise
When the powers that be ordered all American readings of Huckleberry Finn be cancelled, the US school system complied immediately. And for good reason too - the western world simply wasn't ready for its interracial NAMBLA undertones. You know who was ready though? Perverts. But that's besides the point. Books still get banned you know. All the time - why just recently the British arm of Amazon.com reached into its electronic library, grabbed a tell-all work of non-fiction by the spine and thrashed it to and fro until the pages thereof had all fluttered loosely to the ground. Rumour has it the book was pulled by the heavy hand of Tom Cruise who, for the record, denies any involvement in this literary scandal. His influence is implied because the novel's topic is - you guessed it - Esoteric Christianity. Or whatever that thing is he's deep into.
When the powers that be ordered all American readings of Huckleberry Finn be cancelled, the US school system complied immediately. And for good reason too - the western world simply wasn't ready for its interracial NAMBLA undertones. You know who was ready though? Perverts. But that's besides the point. Books still get banned you know. All the time - why just recently the British arm of Amazon.com reached into its electronic library, grabbed a tell-all work of non-fiction by the spine and thrashed it to and fro until the pages thereof had all fluttered loosely to the ground. Rumour has it the book was pulled by the heavy hand of Tom Cruise who, for the record, denies any involvement in this literary scandal. His influence is implied because the novel's topic is - you guessed it - Esoteric Christianity. Or whatever that thing is he's deep into.
Suri Cruise The Most Powerful Baby, Says Genuinely Creepy List
Have you ever stayed awake at night wondering who the most influential celebrity baby is? You have? You're on some sort of government register, aren't you. However, on the off-chance that your interest in the preschool children of Hollywood celebrities is down to something other that surging waves of barely-controlled paedophilia, you should take a look at the just-published Forbes annual '10 Hottest Tots' lists. Just, you know, be sure to hide the magazine inside a less incriminating magazine first, like Big Droopy Knockers or Readers Disgusting BDSM Infantilism Fantasies. And, for anyone who actually cares, Suri Cruise was named the most influential baby this year. Of course, it seems silly to rank toddlers based on their power and influence but, since Suri Cruise is the only celebrity baby able to summon the mighty Xenu to smite her foes inside his all-powerful fist, she was probably always going to make at least the top three.
Have you ever stayed awake at night wondering who the most influential celebrity baby is? You have? You're on some sort of government register, aren't you. However, on the off-chance that your interest in the preschool children of Hollywood celebrities is down to something other that surging waves of barely-controlled paedophilia, you should take a look at the just-published Forbes annual '10 Hottest Tots' lists. Just, you know, be sure to hide the magazine inside a less incriminating magazine first, like Big Droopy Knockers or Readers Disgusting BDSM Infantilism Fantasies. And, for anyone who actually cares, Suri Cruise was named the most influential baby this year. Of course, it seems silly to rank toddlers based on their power and influence but, since Suri Cruise is the only celebrity baby able to summon the mighty Xenu to smite her foes inside his all-powerful fist, she was probably always going to make at least the top three.
