Is it possible that there’s a direct correlation between Readers’ Letters going into hibernation for a couple of weeks and you lot losing your minds?
It certainly seems that way to us. This week has been a bumper Christmas annual of bad form and spirit crushing idiocy and we have you to thank for it. Yes, you the reader. You’re scum and we love it.
Gird your loins, it’s time for a trawl through the foetid hecklerspray post bag.
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Dancing on Ice may have spent the entire series trying to keep up with the rapid pace of reality TV but really we all know that it’s wonderfully behind the times. Which is presumably why they decided to do a Circus themed night, years after Britney and Take That briefly brought those arenas of freakery and animal cruelty back to everyone’s attention.
The excuse for being so woefully out-of-touch? It was props week, and obviously they couldn’t just give people a few props to skate with without trying to tie the whole thing together with an overarching theme. Even though that’s exactly what they’ve done every other year.
They needn’t have bothered though, because Louie Spence was determined to make the show all about him and his potentially incorrect opinions and supposedly shockingly low marks. Unfortunately for Louie, though, the rest of the celebs were determined to be equally shocking and appalling.
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Last night saw the Oscars or Academy Awards being held and a bunch of people did some stuff, while others collected trophies and other didn’t do much at all, but still somehow got in the newspapers.
It was amazing, obviously.
Like sensible people, most of you were in bed last night. And so you don’t miss out on anything, we’ve decided to create a big cheat-sheet for you so you can talk about the Oscars in the office like you stayed up all night. And no, no-one actually expected Billy Crystal to black-up for his opening segment.
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S Club 7 were good weren’t they? They all danced around in a line, singing about reaching for stars, wearing white and making everyone with ears wish they’d be born deaf. Still, idiots everywhere bought their music until 2003 when they broke up under a cloud of sheer indifference.
Since then, the only member you’re likely to remember is Jo..erm.. thingy who went on Big Brother and participated in some racist bullying alongside Jade Goody or maybe you remember Rachel Stevens because she was the good looking one and that’s all that really matters at the end of the day.
So, when they saw the recent comeback success of similar white wearing band Steps, they all got together and decided they’d quite like to cash in on this, regardless of whether you like it or not.
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Have a nice time at the fireworks, did you? Ate a potato and wrote the F word with a sparkler, did we? Well – that’s quite enough satire for one day, guys. It’s a double elimination on the X Factor, and in a few weeks we’re going to have a professional musician on our hands, so best we save all that horseplay for the weekends, don’t you think?
This weekend, we had a DOUBLE Elimination. No-one was safe apart from the four X Factor contestants who haven’t contracted mildly unpleasant yeast infections yet.
And of course, Kelly Rowland was back and not ill anymore. Unlike last week, where she was really ill, in bed with illness, caused by ILL. Thank god she made it through.
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The X Factor splits Britain into two camps. Those that despise it and those that don’t watch it. Those poor swine who don’t watch it can’t escape it. It’s everywhere, being rammed down your modem all the stinkin’ time.
Anyway, here’s an article about the X Factor. AND IT CONTAINS RACISM! HURRAY!
That’s right. The already hugely hated Kitty Brucknell – a lady with an ambition nearly as large as her forehead – is about to make everyone forget all about that Misha B bullying thing after she said something (well, allegedly) really racist to one of the boring berks from The Risk.
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Soulja Boy, a chap who has made a career out of singing like a deaf cow having a giant pineapple inserted into its anus, is in trouble with the law. Great for the street-cred, not so good with the whole avoiding a raping in the prison showers.
See, the ‘rapper’ (real name Clangy Van Heusen) got released on bail after appearing in a Georgia court on drug and weapons charges.
Soulja would like to take a moment to tell you that he is innocent, okay?
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Everybody on twitter (yaa boo, sucks to you) is muttering about the UK Citizenship Test. This is the test that is flung in the face of immigrants with a look of “Go on. How much do you love tedious facts about the UK?”
There’s questions about the number of constituencies we have and the like. Of course, no right minded UK citizen would know that. Only a complete bell-end would.
And so, with people who have lived in the UK roundly failing the test (us included), we’ve decided to make a citizenship test that actually works, filled with questions about things that are unique to this stupid collection of horrible countries and provinces. See how well you fare over the jump, scum.
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Readers’ Letters: “The Blind Leading The Blind” Or “The Passion Of The Trite”
by Michael Park on March 23, 2012 3 Comments
It certainly seems that way to us. This week has been a bumper Christmas annual of bad form and spirit crushing idiocy and we have you to thank for it. Yes, you the reader. You’re scum and we love it.
Gird your loins, it’s time for a trawl through the foetid hecklerspray post bag.
Read More >>>