Everybody on twitter (yaa boo, sucks to you) is muttering about the UK Citizenship Test. This is the test that is flung in the face of immigrants with a look of “Go on. How much do you love tedious facts about the UK?”
There’s questions about the number of constituencies we have and the like. Of course, no right minded UK citizen would know that. Only a complete bell-end would.
And so, with people who have lived in the UK roundly failing the test (us included), we’ve decided to make a citizenship test that actually works, filled with questions about things that are unique to this stupid collection of horrible countries and provinces. See how well you fare over the jump, scum.
Before we start, if you’d like to try your hand at the official UK Citizenship Test, you’ll find 24 impossible questions over at ukcitizenshiptest.co.uk
If you’ve followed that link and failed miserably, try our questions on for size.
Obviously, they’re much more relevant to being One Of Us than any stupid set of questions set by some faceless goon in a drab grey suit in some beige office somewhere.
Okay? LETZGO!
1. Everybody hates?
a) Chris.
b) Man United
2. When holidaying outside of the UK, what is the best way to converse with foreigners?
a) Learn key phrases and try your best to join in.
b) Shout loudly in English while horrifically drunk while wiping the fried egg from your football shirt.
3. What is the best way of finding out whether someone from Northern Ireland is Catholic or Protestant?
a) Engage them in conversation about The Troubles and, without judging them, ask which side of the fence they happen to be on without assuming they’re all terrorists.
b) Ask them if they support Celtic or Rangers.
4. What’s the difference between Rugby Union and Rugby League?
a) Geographical and class differences are often cited, but really, it’s a slight difference in rules.
b) They’re both stupid sports for idiots, so who really cares?
5.What do you think of the Royal Family?
a) They’re a fabulous institution.
b) Kill them. All of them.
6. What is irony?
a) A use of words which convey a meaning that is the opposite of the literal meaning, used for comedic effect. Often confused with sarcasm.
b) Typing LOL at the end of tweets.
7. What is suitable summer wear in the UK?
a) Linen trousers. Straw boaters. Striped blazers. Anything that goes with Pimms and a dappled day.
b) Deep sea diver outfit.
8. You meet a Welshman. What do you say?
a) Bore da! Twll d?n pob Sais!
b) Anything that implies they have sexual relations with sheep.
9. The Scottish are best known for what?
a) A wicked sense of humour, ruddy faces and a people of innovation and industry.
b) Alcoholics.
10. What do English people think of other English people?
a) They identify with each other and embrace the similarities and differences, acknowledging the wide gene pool which made the nation so powerful over the centuries.
b) Unequivocal hatred, regardless.
10. What is the pinnacle of the UK’s achievements?
a) Huge leaps in medicine, industry and technology. The UK is a leader, always willing to adapt to change.
b) Only Fools and Horses.
11. The X Factor is watched by?
a) A huge number of people who are interested in the juxtaposition between a televised talent show and the reality format made famous by shows like Big Brother.
b) People who hate it.
12. If England celebrated St George’s Day, it would do it how?
a) A uniquely English and eccentric celebration of folk traditions like Morris Dancing, followed by the drinking of real ale and singing of ancient English folk songs. Just like the Irish and Scottish do when celebrating their own heritage!
b) Middle eastern kebabs, Belgian lager, American pop music and overt racism.
13. Politicians are defined how?
a) Groups of people unified by their collective ideologies who aim to look after everyone in the UK the best they can.
b) They’re all posh liars.
14. Teachers have it easy. They do sod-all work and have loads of holidays. GCSEs are too easy as well. We’d be better off without them. Shirkers and hippies the lot of ’em.
a) False
b) True
15. Sexism is…?
a) A problem that is being taken very seriously by citizens of the UK. Progress is being made toward breaking the ‘glass-ceiling’.
b) Funny and prevalent on British gameshows.
16. People in the UK see their cars as an absolute and divine right. Walking is for losers. Petrol should be really cheap as well, regardless of the fact there’s about a litre of it left.
a) False
b) True
17. Eurovision?
a) A fun night in watching music from all over Europe.
b) It’s a fix. Stupid foreigners and their tactical voting. Also, bring back Wogan.
18. In the mornings, UK residents sit down and watch a man called Jeremy Kyle berate working-class people in such a manner that one judge called the whole spectacle ‘human bear-baiting’. Despite being one of the most appalling humans to have ever grace television screen, Jeremy Kyle is well-paid and keeps getting more work.
a) False
b) True
19. The London 2012 games is a huge source of pride for UK residents.
a) Of course it is. The Olympics is an amazing showcase of human endeavour and achievement. To host it is an honour that will resonate for centuries.
b) It’s going to be awful and we will absolutely cock it up.
20. Calling someone who is to the left of the political spectrum ‘liberal’ is a gigantic insult.
a) False
b) True
21. When a famous person dies, what is the first thing you should do?
a) Take a moment of reflection to ponder on what they gave to us and think about our own mortality.
b) Compose a humorous text or tweet.
22. What is the main appeal of cricket?
a) It’s a wonderful game of tactics, flair and patience.
b) It sounds nice when they hit the ball.
23. What does the editorial policy of the Daily Mail?
a) To cover current events and affairs in an even handed way, with a slight leaning to the right of the political spectrum.
b) Free CDs and fear.
24. Do you like queuing?
a) No. It’s a pain.
b) Yes. Complaining is great too. Can I do both at the same time please?
If you answered mostly As, then sorry. You’ll have to go back to whichever country you came. You clearly haven’t been paying attention.
If you answered mostly Bs, then here’s your pint of Stella and fondness for pie. Welcome aboard!
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