Well, he was grown up for five days. I guess that’s all you can ask for really. He is, after all, ginger, spoilt, and unlikely to ever see himself as King. A guy’s got to do what a guy’s got to do, and in that case it means letting off steam and making the British Royal Family seem like it’s a college kid at a kegger.
We are of course talking about Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales, known to Harry by some and a monumental fuckup to the 70 million people of Britain. You see, we were doing so well this year. We had the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee. We held the Olympics. The Paralympics was coming up round the corner. People around the world liked us and respected us! But then ginger Harry had to come and fuck it up, as he always does. Let’s count the ways he’s screwed over the country by being an absolute lad.
1. The Las Vegas Thing
Every teenager knows and loves strip poker. It’s the one acceptable way to see a girl’s boobs when you’re too scared to, you know, ask them to see. It’s a common bond between the people, and it united class boundaries. But if you’re a royal, playing strip poker is too proletarian. You need to play strip billiards. In a Las Vegas hotel suite. With a bunch of hotties.
What’s worse isn’t that we’re seeing Harry’s arse. It’s that it makes a mockery of our free press (you know, the one we trumpeted so loudly at the Olympic Games’ opening ceremony). Because while you can see the photos anywhere online (and I mean anywhere: you Google “Prince Harry” and the search engine autocompletes “Las Vegas” for you now), British newspapers can’t print them, and TV can’t show them.
2. The racist thing
It’s not the first fuckup Harry’s managed to create, though. There was him calling a fellow army recruit “our little Paki friend” in a video from 2006. In case you didn’t know, that’s very much not cool. In fact, it’s racist. It’s not quite ‘blacking yourself up and grinning wildly at William and Kate’s wedding’ (which I like to believe Harry may have considered, egged on by his grandfather Prince Philip), but it’s still bad.
3. The weed thing
Okay, so most young people will dabble with drugs. Who hasn’t, right? Though it may be unfair, there’s an argument to be made that if you’re the third in line to represent an entire nation on the world stage, you should probably ensure you’re whiter than white (sorry, I’m still full of jokes for the last paragraph that are going to take time to get out). That means you probably shouldn’t admit getting buzzed and blazed on booze and weed when you’re underage. It sets a bad example for the kids. I mean, The Queen probably has never lit up a joint in her life, right?
4. The uncomfortable fancy dress Nazi thing
How I wish this photo was Photoshopped. But no, gentle reader, it isn’t. That really is the third in line to the throne, pictured on the front page of Britain’s most popular tabloid, wearing a fancy dress outfit which portrays him as a Nazi, complete with swastika armband. The year was 2005, and, well, there’s no real excuse for it other than our Prince is completely tone deaf to what is cool and what is not cool with people.
5. The whole groping and boozing and fighting thing
Again, what’s cool for normal people isn’t cool for people who could one day run a country. Therefore this photo above, though demonstrating good playa skills, is not cool in context. Because that’s a girl who is getting full frontal gropage from a future King of England, and it’s been caught on camera. Not pictured here are the multiple pictures of Prince Harry stumbling out of a nightclub at 4am and taking swings at photographers (also known as peasants, and the people your gran represents) just because.
So as you can see, we had five days of bliss before the Harricane swung back into town and left men, women and children crying and an entire country desolate and destroyed. How long it’ll take before we manage to fix all the damage will have to be seen. Well done Prince Harry.
ELAINE says
JUST LOVE THE BOY HE IS A BREATH OF FRESH AIR…A REAL HUMAN BEING! LEAVE HIM ALONE …HE’S BRILLIANT…THE ROYAL FAMILY MURDERED HIS MOTHER SO IN MY BOOK HE CAN DO AS HE PLEASES !
Damaine says
You say what’s cool for the public isn’t cool for the royal family but have you considered that his exploits make Hume look more human. He hasn’t tried to hide, sweep away or dismiss his exploits/mistakes in fact he’s owned them and in some cases apologised for them. This in my eyes is a young lad who can and most likely will grow into a man who has learnt from his past and can become a leader or at least a good confidant to his brother.
Your wannabe tabloid article doesn’t speak for the nation because as you can see your responses don’t agree with you. Maybe you shouldn’t be so quick to bash someone who has experienced public personal tragedy it’s not classy!
Dave says
I already new this was going to be a bad article from the second sentence: “He is, after all, a ginger(…)”
Oh good. You obviously don’t hold any offensive misconceptions which may sway your article and viewpoints.
I also love the hypocrisy. On one hand, you criticise him for being racist yet only a short while earlier had worn your own prejudices on your sleeve as though that was perfectly acceptable. It’s not.
I don’t know enough about Harry to make a judgement myself and I certainly won’t be influenced by a writer just as bad as the “villain” they are painting.
maurice says
He is not a lad, he is a grown man,he should show some maturity and a sense of responsibility and and not make a f–king ass of himself everywhere he goes,do you behave like this when you are abroad,just another English lager lout disgracing your country.
Ashley says
Dear Chris Starr, when will you publish this article in the British press or should the Prince lease you his balls for a little while? :)))
SFJ says
Harry’s a kid, and entitled to have some fun, just like other kids – without idiots like Chris Starr criticizing his every move. Since we all know he’s a kid, try letting him act like one. I’m sure if he ever becomes the King of England, he will have plenty of time to reign-in (no pun intended) the raunchy partying, until then – GET OFF HIS BACK!
alfred says
Harry is a fucking idiot,he thinks with his dick.
Jumi says
Don’t you? @ alfred
Sophie Jenson says
As someone from the UK I can honestly say…I don’t care. I think if we all had the tabloids on our backs our whole lives we would have been all been caught doing some pretty stupid stuff at least twice!