Have a nice time at the fireworks, did you? Ate a potato and wrote the F word with a sparkler, did we? Well – that’s quite enough satire for one day, guys. It’s a double elimination on the X Factor, and in a few weeks we’re going to have a professional musician on our hands, so best we save all that horseplay for the weekends, don’t you think?
This weekend, we had a DOUBLE Elimination. No-one was safe apart from the four X Factor contestants who haven’t contracted mildly unpleasant yeast infections yet.
And of course, Kelly Rowland was back and not ill anymore. Unlike last week, where she was really ill, in bed with illness, caused by ILL. Thank god she made it through.
As you already know (seeing as you watched the show and have something of a memory) the theme this week was DANCE FLOOR CLASSICS, but not like when NME invented an award category called DANCE FLOOR FILLERS (ie: an excuse to give the Arctic Monkeys more entirely redundant moments of self worth).
The show kicked off with the doomed Johnny “Poor Johnny” Robinson. Johnny was pleased in a sexually indistinct manner about how his performance went last week, and is having such a great time despite the fact he is 45 years old. Aww, Johnny, that’s ni- WAIT A SECOND. 45 years old? WHEN?
Johnny’s DANCE FLOOR CLASSIC NOT DANCE FLOOR FILLER track of choice was obviously Hung up by Madonna interspersed mid-way with You Spin me Round by Dead or Alive. If you missed it, yes, it was exactly as stupid as it sounded. Shut up, yes it did. Shut up.
Gary Barlow, or as we like to call him, Gary “A Joke About How Gary Barlow Has The Same Name As Ken Barlow Who Also Has A Mild Personality And Amusingly The Same Last Name Too” Barlow thought it was absolutely awful, but then immediately contradicted himself by saying Johnny sounded like a karaoke night in Scarborough, which quite frankly sounds incredible. But Johnny, who presumably gets an odd feeling of clarity from being shamed but just can’t put his finger on why, joked and laughed and used Loose Women idioms and made everything better. God, Gary Barlow is so boring like Ken Barlow who amusingly has the same last name as him, isn’t he?
Thankfully GODESS OF EXCITEMENT AND MASS INTEREST Janet Devlin was on hand to sing the Jackson 5! What could POSSIBLY go wrong aside from every single nerve ending and crevice in the universe thinking that sounds like an absolutely appalling idea? That’s right. Nothing. And to prove how mentally incapacitated (in a cute way, not in a Kitty Brucknell way) Janet danced! BUT, and this is a very imperative but, not with backing dancers because that would distract from the music. Come on now Janet, it’s only the X Factor. It’s not as if this is a karaoke night in Scarborough or anything where someone could actually BENEFIT musically or anything.
Nonetheless, Janet provided an absolutely life-changing performance of I Want You Back and it is really so fantastic, that on a scale of 1 to Fantastic, she would be a ten(tastic). Don’t worry, you can check that on a calculator later. Here are our top 5 (Like the Jackson 5, which is really clever of us, quite frankly.) favourite things about Janet’s performance of “I Want You Back” by the Jackson 5, and why we liked them the best.
1. Janet wore a cape made of tassles. We liked this because it was a really original sort of thing to wear, and you don’t see those much really, and it was like a breath of fresh air.
2. Janet’s backing band were clearly having a fantastic time, dancing along even though that sort of thing would risk detracting from the music. (Be careful next time guys, that’s all we’re saying.) Anyway, it was really nice regardless, and It was like a breath of fresh air.
3. Janet forgot the words to one of the most famous records of all time, but it was a really different take on the song, which we loved, just because it was basically like a massive breath of fresh air.
4. Janet sang lots of notes out-of-tune and sounded a bit like she had vetoed lungs for the evening . And the reason we enjoyed this part of her performance was because we really really like bronchitis, and although some might find this simile inappropriate considering we’ve just said that, it really was, literally, we kid you not, like a literal breath of fresh AIR.
5. But our favourite thing about Janet’s performance of I Want You Back by the Jackson 5 was that she was herself. And in this day and age of materialism and war, something like that is really rare to come by. We don’t really know how to put it. Sorry. That’s embarrassing.
Oddly enough, the judges disagreed with us and thought it was really terrible. Can’t remember exactly what they said, but it was something along the lines of…
KELLY: *Flares nostrils*
TULISA: That was awful. I have menstrual cramps and I’m in N Dubz.
GARY: I don’t think that was a very good performance, but I’m wearing a velvet tie.
LOUIS: Keith Duffy Keith Duffy Brilliant Black People are Bad Keith Duffy Amazing The X Factor Brilliant Pop Stars Beautiful Beautiful Keith Duffy.
Next up to do some singing was everybody’s favourite man called Craig Colton, who is fast developing his journey on the X Factor as a man who can sing a bit, to a man with a slightly more styled fringe who can sing a bit. Seriously, it’s like two entirely different people, unlike everyone’s favourite Satanists and extreme sports fans The Risk! who are ostensibly one person’s worth of personality. They sang ‘make this a night to remember’, even though the night they sang it on was Bonfire Night, which we’re quite sure is pretty much set in stone in everybody’s minds by now. Can’t be too careful though.
Following that terminally insane melodious ruckus was Marcus Collins who sang a song about Urban Outfitters Homeware Section or something. Gary called it the ‘performance of the season’, which probably would have sounded impressive if it hadn’t been verbalized via the voice of Gary Barlow.
Kitty Brucknell and her balmy ol’ depressive emotional frame (or ‘personality’ as we’re calling it apparently) were back once again. Jesus, imagine living with both her AND The Risk in The X Factor House. Now there’s an establishment with a fridge where someone’s definitely not properly closed the fish fingers box. Kitty was up to her old tricks again (because she is emotionally alone) for her performance of Like a Prayer. Kitty totally pro-involved some more obscure musical techniques to show off her range, such as singing ‘Acapella, or ‘like Sister Act 2’. So off she popped wearing a honking big robe with lots of other robed people, because monks are funny. Thankfully, the judges are also incredibly prejudice towards religious traditions and loved Kitty’s performance, with Tulisa, wise old sage that she is, announcing that Kitty is the kind of artist that could literally hold a CONCERT. God, a concert. Calm down Tulisa, this isn’t BBC Proms.
Eurgh. Frankie Cocozza then followed up, but not without another warning from Fun House presenter Gary Barlow to not have too much sex or drinking or happiness this week, or in other words “Stop doing things that make people hate you.” He performed (and by ‘performed’ we really mean ‘Stood around on stage and gurned angrily) I’ve Got A Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas, complete with a vest like what the rock stars wear and a band like what the rock stars have. God, it was like an End of Year Special Edition of Q Magazine. Insane.
“The only thing big about you is your hair.” Louis then told him after the performance. So we burnt all our Monty Python DVDs because we never found anything funny ever again.
After four weeks of hip surgery and counselling, we crawled back across the floor to watch Misha B sing something empowering about empowerment. YEAH. Empowerment! That B stands for “Vagina Dentata” you know. Good ol’ Misha got a lovely totally unprepared visit from her family who by pure bizarre luck managed to catch the magical moment on camera. They told Misha that “the whole of Manchester is behind you” even though as children we were brought up to believe that lying is wrong, so we’re a bit confused as to why that was said.
She looked awesome singing Proud Mary but only because anybody singing Proud Mary would make anyone look awesome. Misha did a mighty good job, despite the lame spoken word bit at the start and then the phoney office-laugh. Because nothing is better than sass, apart from pre-emptive sass.
Last up to perform was Little Mix singing Don’t Stop The Music, but don’t let us ramble on and on about that because again, they were utterly forgettable and TOTALLY REAL WOMEN FOR REAL WOMEN LIKE REAL WOMENY WOMEN.
After all this, brilliantly, The Risk were cruelly forced to leave the competition due to the baying monsters that are the public who are so bloody picky they’re basically kicking off someone every week now. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL?
And then to make matters insanely worse JOHNAMAZINGY AMAZINGSON ROBINSON AMAZING left the competition too, and it was ultimately the most horrible thing that has ever happened. We mean that, we really don’t doss around with hyperbole. We’re professionals.
The rest of the results show however was a roaring success, with performances from Florence and the Machine and the selfish teenage emperor of the Inca Empire taking a magical potion that turns him into a llama, thus ensuing a hilarious adventure where he learns a valuable lesson about generosity of spirit, but with some laughs along the way too. Oh no, sorry, that’s the plot synopsis of Walt Disney’s The Emporer’s New Groove.
We didn’t watch the results.