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Paparazzi

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie’s Guards Have A Paparazzi Punch-Up

by Stuart Heritage

It’s long been a dream of ours to dress up in camouflage and hold a pitched battle on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s front lawn.

Sadly, our stupid sense of common decency has always held us back from achieving our goal, which is why we’ve decided to live vicariously through the two camouflaged photographers who’ve been questioned by police after fighting with guards on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s property in France.

What exactly happened is a mystery – the guards and photographers are both accusing the other side of battery – but it’s clear why the paparazzi were on Brad and Angelina’s property in the first place. Apparently the garden is a haven for a rare breed of yellow wagtail, and the photographers would have got a first-rate shot of them if Angelina Jolie’s stupid twins didn’t keep getting in the bloody way.

It's long been a dream of ours to dress up in camouflage and hold a pitched battle on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's front lawn. Sadly, our stupid sense of common decency has always held us back from achieving our goal, which is why we've decided to live vicariously through the two camouflaged photographers who've been questioned by police after fighting with guards on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's property in France. What exactly happened is a mystery - the guards and photographers are both accusing the other side of battery - but it's clear why the paparazzi were on Brad and Angelina's property in the first place. Apparently the garden is a haven for a rare breed of yellow wagtail, and the photographers would have got a first-rate shot of them if Angelina Jolie's stupid twins didn't keep getting in the bloody way.
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Brad Pitt Throws Furious Giganto-Strop Over Secret Baby Photos

by Stuart Heritage

You’re probably wondering what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s new twins look like, because you’re nosy and have nothing better to do.

But you mustn’t. You mustn’t look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s babies – especially if you’re looking at the paparazzi photos secretly taken with a high-powered telephoto lens that were recently taken. Look at those and Brad Pitt will sue your sweaty loner arse all the way to the moon and back. He’s said so himself.

But don’t get the wrong idea – Brad Pitt isn’t going to unusually strong legal measures to protect the privacy of his family. He’s doing it to protect you. Those babies are so genetically perfect that if you even glance at them you’ll instantly leave your wife because their beauty will show her up to be the ugly old trollop that she really is.

You're probably wondering what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's new twins look like, because you're nosy and have nothing better to do. But you mustn't. You mustn't look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's babies - especially if you're looking at the paparazzi photos secretly taken with a high-powered telephoto lens that were recently taken. Look at those and Brad Pitt will sue your sweaty loner arse all the way to the moon and back. He's said so himself. But don't get the wrong idea - Brad Pitt isn't going to unusually strong legal measures to protect the privacy of his family. He's doing it to protect you. Those babies are so genetically perfect that if you even glance at them you'll instantly leave your wife because their beauty will show her up to be the ugly old trollop that she really is.
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Britney Spears Possibly Does the Stupidest Thing She Could Ever Do

by Ian Dransfield

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer: it's a decent way of looking at things. But not so decent when your enemy is a paparazzo, who deals entirely on getting pictures of you in compromising positions, exchanging your dignity for cold, hard cash. Damn – someone should have told Britney Spears this before she [...]

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DA: Britney Spears Can Pretty Much Run Over As Many Paparazzi Feet As She Deems Necessary

by Shawn Lindseth

Britney Spears is guilty of a lot of things. For instance, we heard she intentionally soundtracked the whole Hail Bob thing for that cult where everybody killed themselves to board a spiritual spaceship. It wasn’t out of maliciousness, mind you, she just wanted them to cast off peacefully, with the sweet sound of teenage sexiness [...]

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Jamie Lynn Spears Gets A ‘Stalky’ Paparazzo Arrested

by Stuart Heritage

Poor old Jamie Lynn Spears – ever since Miley Cyrus decided to show some of her back off to the world, people just aren’t as interested in pregnant teenagers.

That might just be for the best though, because as soon as anyone does show the slightest bit on interest in Jamie Lynn Spears, she flips out and gets them arrested for stalking her, which is what happened to photographer Edwin Merrino a couple of days ago.

Merrino denies the charges, but then again who can blame Jamie Lynn Spears for protecting her unborn child so fiercely? If she starts letting strangers get to close to it, then the baby might hear their voice and start to prenatally learn words and concepts that Jamie Lynn Spears herself doesn’t understand. Have you ever become the slave of a malevolent super-intelligent unborn baby dictator? It isn’t very bloody nice, trust us.

Poor old Jamie Lynn Spears - ever since Miley Cyrus decided to show some of her back off to the world, people just aren't as interested in pregnant teenagers. That might just be for the best though, because as soon as anyone does show the slightest bit on interest in Jamie Lynn Spears, she flips out and gets them arrested for stalking her, which is what happened to photographer Edwin Merrino a couple of days ago. Merrino denies the charges, but then again who can blame Jamie Lynn Spears for protecting her unborn child so fiercely? If she starts letting strangers get to close to it, then the baby might hear their voice and start to prenatally learn words and concepts that Jamie Lynn Spears herself doesn't understand. Have you ever become the slave of a malevolent super-intelligent unborn baby dictator? It isn't very bloody nice, trust us.
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Miley Cyrus – Ripped Fishnets And Fear/We Are Watching You

by Paul Sorrenti

Ever since Miley Cyrus got her back out for Vanity Fair her celebrity has taken off faster than Usian Bolt with a scud-missile rammed up his jacksie.

It seems she is now target number one for the lenses of the world’s paparazzi – a section of humanity that, had they been sent to Auschwitz instead of the Jews, would have met no resistance from the rest of the world and we may well have let the Nazi’s keep Poland as a gift – no finer smoke would have ever risen from a chimney top.

The LA Times has reported that a photo of Miley Cyrus’ first kiss could be worth anything from $30,000 to $150,000.

Hecklerspray hasn’t quite got the same budget as the LA Times, but if you happen to get a pic of Miley’s first kiss then in return we’ll give you a tenner and an evening with Matthew Laidlow. He’ll even have a wash and take you to the nearest kebab shop he can find.

Ever since Miley Cyrus got her back out for Vanity Fair her celebrity has taken off faster than Usian Bolt with a scud-missile rammed up his jacksie. It seems she is now target number one for the lenses of the world’s paparazzi – a section of humanity that, had they been sent to Auschwitz instead of the Jews, would have met no resistance from the rest of the world and we may well have let the Nazi’s keep Poland as a gift - no finer smoke would have ever risen from a chimney top. The LA Times has reported that a photo of Miley Cyrus’ first kiss could be worth anything from $30,000 to $150,000. Hecklerspray hasn’t quite got the same budget as the LA Times, but if you happen to get a pic of Miley’s first kiss then in return we’ll give you a tenner and an evening with Matthew Laidlow. He’ll even have a wash and take you to the nearest kebab shop he can find.
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Paris Hilton Accused Of Flooring Photographer With Car

by Paul Sorrenti

paris hilton accused of hit and runBlonde thingy Paris Hilton and boyfriend Benji Madden are being investigated for an alleged hit and run, according to The Sun.

They are accused of driving over photographer Glen Gurniak’s foot as they left a club in Los Angeles Thursday.

Gurniak was left grounded, squealing in pain, as if he were nothing more than a piece of disposable paparazzi trash.

However, he soon got up to file a police-report against them with the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department. Spokesman Steve Witmore said:

The incident is currently under investigation.

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Hermione Granger Turns 18, Gets Her Knickers Out

by Stuart Heritage

Harry Potter stars aren’t exactly brilliant at concealing their modesty, are they?

First Daniel Radcliffe decided to get naked for a play about a mental kid who stabs horses in the eyes, and now Emma Watson’s at it as well. To be fair, Emma Watson hasn’t waggled her penis around in front of a paying audience at the behest of a frightening imaginary horse-God, but she did show everyone her knickers getting out of a car at her 18th birthday party. Which is sort of the same thing.

Which is all well and good – getting your pants out for the paparazzi is as much a part of being a celebrity these days as complaining about the paparazzi taking pictures of your pants – but we have our concerns. If Emma Watson’s pantyflash gives Ron Weasley any ideas about public nudity, then we’re quite prepared to corkscrew our own eyes out now to protect our fragile minds.

Harry Potter stars aren't exactly brilliant at concealing their modesty, are they? First Daniel Radcliffe decided to get naked for a play about a mental kid who stabs horses in the eyes, and now Emma Watson's at it as well. To be fair, Emma Watson hasn't waggled her penis around in front of a paying audience at the behest of a frightening imaginary horse-God, but she did show everyone her knickers getting out of a car at her 18th birthday party. Which is sort of the same thing. Which is all well and good - getting your pants out for the paparazzi is as much a part of being a celebrity these days as complaining about the paparazzi taking pictures of your pants - but we have our concerns. If Emma Watson's pantyflash gives Ron Weasley any ideas about public nudity, then we're quite prepared to corkscrew our own eyes out now to protect our fragile minds.
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Britney Spears: Now Crips & Bloods Wade In

by Stuart Heritage

It must be rubbish living in LA at the moment – every time Britney Spears so much as sneezes there’s a city-wide deluge of paparazzi trampling on your lawn and kicking over your gnomes.

And, if you see notorious LA gangs the Crips and the Bloods as the city’s neighbourhood watch brigade, you’ll understand that they’d want to do something about this Britney Spears menace.

Which they are. Admittedly they’re reportedly doing it by sending gang members into paparazzi scrums to scare the photographers into leaving Britney Spears alone. That’s both distasteful and immoral, but anything that stops us from having to look at photos of Britney Spears’ mouldy old bajingo any more is alright in our books.

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Sienna Miller: Blah Blah Paparazzi Boo Hoo

by Stuart Heritage

The best thing about Sienna Miller is that she really doesn’t have a bloody clue.

If you’ve seen Sienna Miller in action for even a couple of seconds, you’ll realise that she’s such an unashamed publicity-whore that she’d hump a goat on a waterslide if it resulted in any amount of newspaper coverage. But despite being this colossal attention-hoover, Sienna Miller actually hates it when people take her photo, and is happy to go to court to tell everyone about.

Sienna Miller was in court yesterday blathering on about how the paparazzi ‘hunts’ her, to help an upper-class tosswipe friend who was facing a paparazzi-related criminal damage charge. And to back up her attack, Sienna Miller has vowed never to be in another newspaper agai… oh, sorry – we got real life confused with wishful thinking for a second there.

The best thing about Sienna Miller is that she really doesn't have a bloody clue. If you've seen Sienna Miller in action for even a couple of seconds, you'll realise that she's such an unashamed publicity-whore that she'd hump a goat on a waterslide if it resulted in any amount of newspaper coverage. But despite being this colossal attention-hoover, Sienna Miller actually hates it when people take her photo, and is happy to go to court to tell everyone about. Sienna Miller was in court yesterday blathering on about how the paparazzi 'hunts' her, to help an upper-class tosswipe friend who was facing a paparazzi-related criminal damage charge. And to back up her attack, Sienna Miller has vowed never to be in another newspaper agai... oh, sorry - we got real life confused with wishful thinking for a second there.
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