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Paparazzi

Britney Spears Released From Hospital, Hilarity Ensues

by Stuart Heritage

Ah, no, wait – that headline should have read ‘Britney Spears Released From Hospital, Despairing Scenes And A Sense That Nobody’s Learnt Anything Ensues’. Our bad, sorry.

Anyway, by now you’ve probably guessed that Britney Spears has been given an early release from her padded room in the psychiatric hospital where she was being held. And you probably also guessed that, now she’s been medically classified as Gravely Disabled, the paparazzi and press would back off and let her recover out of basic human decency.

And you’re right – Britney Spears’ release was only followed by 20 car-swarming paparazzi, two news helicopters and everyone watching the live feed of Britney leaving the hospital and driving through Los Angeles on TV at home. Which is sort of backing off a bit, right? No? Fair enough.

Ah, no, wait - that headline should have read 'Britney Spears Released From Hospital, Despairing Scenes And A Sense That Nobody's Learnt Anything Ensues'. Our bad, sorry. Anyway, by now you've probably guessed that Britney Spears has been given an early release from her padded room in the psychiatric hospital where she was being held. And you probably also guessed that, now she's been medically classified as Gravely Disabled, the paparazzi and press would back off and let her recover out of basic human decency. And you're right - Britney Spears' release was only followed by 20 car-swarming paparazzi, two news helicopters and everyone watching the live feed of Britney leaving the hospital and driving through Los Angeles on TV at home. Which is sort of backing off a bit, right? No? Fair enough.
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Britney Spears Splits Up With That Paparazzi Bloke

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears has broken up with her British paparazzo boyfriend Adnan Ghalib, possibly because she’s just worked out that he’s a paparazzo.

According to reports, Britney Spears split up with Adnan Ghalib after angrily accusing him of only being with her to boost his career. Ludicrous, we know – we all knew about Adnan Ghalib for months before this Britney Spears malarkey because, um, no wait, sorry, we were thinking of Abu Ghraib. Crossed wires. Sorry.

Anyway, let’s feel sorry for Britney Spears – we really thought that this time she’d found everlasting love with that creepy guy who makes his living by stalking Britney Spears with a camera.

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Julia Roberts Chases & Catches Paparazzi But Does No Real Harm

by Shawn Lindseth

hecklerspray probably has 10 nightmares a night. The most recent one included us stuck in a jail that was entirely made of fish. It was terrifying until the jailer brought us tartar sauce – then it was scrumptious. The second most recent night terror we had included Julia Roberts riding a Harley straight out of [...]

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George Clooney Defends Britney’s Right To Drive Like A Twerp

by Stuart Heritage

George Clooney is one of the most socially-conscious actors around today – something we know because he made a film that was vaguely about oil or something once – and there isn’t a good cause that he won’t stand directly behind.

But sometimes we get the feeling that George Clooney bites off a little more than he can chew. Speaking out about the Darfur crisis? Fine. Trying to stop mass atrocities? Easy. AIDS? Poverty? Piece of cake. But now George Clooney has decided to do the impossible and try and tackle the biggest humanitarian crisis of our times – the Britney Spears custody case. Britney Spears getting banned from driving her children after she was caught running a red light has angered George Clooney so much that he’s launched into an impassioned defence of her treatment at the hands of the paparazzi, something that he plans to follow-up next week with a incisive commentary on the current state of J-Lo’s baby-bump.

George Clooney is one of the most socially-conscious actors around today - something we know because he made a film that was vaguely about oil or something once - and there isn't a good cause that he won't stand directly behind. But sometimes we get the feeling that George Clooney bites off a little more than he can chew. Speaking out about the Darfur crisis? Fine. Trying to stop mass atrocities? Easy. AIDS? Poverty? Piece of cake. But now George Clooney has decided to do the impossible and try and tackle the biggest humanitarian crisis of our times - the Britney Spears custody case. Britney Spears getting banned from driving her children after she was caught running a red light has angered George Clooney so much that he's launched into an impassioned defence of her treatment at the hands of the paparazzi, something that he plans to follow-up next week with a incisive commentary on the current state of J-Lo's baby-bump.
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Photographer Made Nicole Kidman Cry 35 Months Ago

by Stuart Heritage

This just in – the paparazzi makes Nicole Kidman sad. Actually, that’s a lie – we don’t know how the paparazzi makes Nicole Kidman feel now – but in January 2005 the paparazzi definitely made Nicole Kidman sad.

How sad? Sad enough for Nicole Kidman to turn up in court yesterday and legally testify that a photographer made her cry by trying to take her picture back on January 23, 2005. As part of a defamation suit against an Australian newspaper by Jamie Fawcett, the photographer in question, Nicole Kidman showed up at the New South Wales State Supreme Court in Sydney to say that she was reduced to tears when Fawcett chased her almost three years ago. This news will come as an incredible surprise to anyone who, like us, presumed that Nicole Kidman’s tear-ducts were Botoxed into everlasting paralysis long, long ago.

This just in - the paparazzi makes Nicole Kidman sad. Actually, that's a lie - we don't know how the paparazzi makes Nicole Kidman feel now - but in January 2005 the paparazzi definitely made Nicole Kidman sad. How sad? Sad enough for Nicole Kidman to turn up in court yesterday and legally testify that a photographer made her cry by trying to take her picture back on January 23, 2005. As part of a defamation suit against an Australian newspaper by Jamie Fawcett, the photographer in question, Nicole Kidman showed up at the New South Wales State Supreme Court in Sydney to say that she was reduced to tears when Fawcett chased her almost three years ago. This news will come as an incredible surprise to anyone who, like us, presumed that Nicole Kidman's tear-ducts were Botoxed into everlasting paralysis long, long ago.
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Pierce Brosnan Possibly Smacks A Snapper

by Stuart Heritage

If only James Bond was based on the life of Pierce Brosnan, things would be so much better – Tomorrow Never Dies might have included a scene where 007 rolled round a car park trying to punch a photographer in the ribs and swearing a lot.

Because, if you haven’t already guessed, that’s what Pierce Brosnan has been accused of doing. Malibu police are apparently investigating claims that Pierce Brosnan attacked a paparazzi photographer outside a Los Angeles restaurant on Friday after telling him to “fuck off” and “get a real fucking job.” Reports that Daniel Craig plans to beat up exactly the same photographer next week in a grittier and more slightly convincing way – using less invisible cars and sky lasers – are still totally unfounded.

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