Think carefully – what’s the most extreme reaction you’ve ever had towards Matthew McConaughey? A yawn? A twitch? An imperceptible shrug?
Not if you’re a surfer. Surfers see Matthew McConaughey as their hero, their dim mahogany idol. And if you mess with Matthew McConaughey you mess with the entire surfer community, as a group of paparazzi found out in June when the surfers rounded on them for taking pictures of McConaughey and shoved them around a bit.
Now two surfers have been charged for the McConaughey paparazzi flare-up. But that’s not important. What’s important are the names of the people involved in the scuffle, because they’re so stupid it’s impossible not to find the whole thing hilarious. Spoiler alert – one of them’s called Skylar.
There’s been a long history of tribal conflicts on beaches – Vikings Vs Saxons, Mods Vs Rockers, Nazis Vs Non-Nazis, whoever it was in the last scene of The Warriors – but none have been quite as upsetting as the Surfers Vs Paparazzi Malibu beach clash of June 2008.
It was an epic battle the likes of which Malibu residents haven’t seen since someone gave Mel Gibson a bottle of tequila and a photo of Woody Allen two years ago. It was the sort of day that witnesses will one eventually tell their children about – the day that some photographers strolled onto a beach and started talking pictures of Matthew McConaughey, and only stopped when some surfers sort of started effetely pushing them around and whooping and whatnot.
Worst of all were the harrowing, primal exchanges between the surfers and the paparazzi, which will chill our very souls until the day we die. Exchanges like:
Surfer: “Get a job!”
Paparazzo: “This is a job, what do you do?”
Surfer: “I fucking drink beer and party! Woohoohoohoo!”
Anyway, you’ll be pleased to know that two surfers have been charged with this incident, getting hit with one misdemenour count of battery each. One of the surfers is called Philip John Hildebrand, which is fine, but the other one is called Skylar Martin Peak. Skylar, for christ’s sake. No wonder he’s so angry.
And don’t think we’re letting the paparazzi off either. The photographer who Skylar and Skylar’s friend attacked was called Richid Altmbareckouhammou, which is less of a name and more of the noise you make when you’re tickling an adorable puppy’s tum-tum. Reuters reports:
Officials claim the two men threw Altmbareckouhammou into the water from where he was taking pictures on the beach. Each faces up to six months in jail and a $2,000 fine.
We’re sure Skylar and Skylar’s friend feel pretty crap about the possibility of spending six months in jail. Worse still – it’s six months in jail for protecting Matthew McConaughey.
Seriously, if Skylar and Skylar’s friend do get sent down for this, they may as well just wear T-shirts reading ‘Please Bum me To Smithereens’ to save them the effort of explaining what they’re in for to their cellmates.
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