Articles tagged with: Miley Cyrus
Miley Cyrus Splits With Justin Gaston, Because God Apparently Hates Love
Love is beautiful. Teenage love is magical. The love between a teenage girl and an adult underwear model is, um... Oh, what's the word we're looking for? Creepy? Doomed to failure? Yes, either of those will probably do, actually. Because, readers, we're sorry to report that Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston - the Posh and Becks of obnoxious teenage millionaires and uncomfortably older, professionally nude men - have split up. It's on Twitter and everything. It's sad news, but it's not completely bad. At least this way we know that Miley Cyrus's next album will sound like bloody Joy Division or something.
Love is beautiful. Teenage love is magical. The love between a teenage girl and an adult underwear model is, um... Oh, what's the word we're looking for? Creepy? Doomed to failure? Yes, either of those will probably do, actually. Because, readers, we're sorry to report that Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston - the Posh and Becks of obnoxious teenage millionaires and uncomfortably older, professionally nude men - have split up. It's on Twitter and everything. It's sad news, but it's not completely bad. At least this way we know that Miley Cyrus's next album will sound like bloody Joy Division or something.
Miley Cyrus Grimly Refuses To Stop Making Hannah Montana
We don't know how the Hannah Montana movie ended. We didn't see the Hannah Montana movie. We hit puberty several years ago. We assumed that we knew how the Hannah Montana movie would end, though - with Miley Cyrus getting hit in the face with an asteroid then bitten in half by a dinosaur, who then barfs her back up into Billy Ray Cyrus's crying face. Because movies like that need an feelgood climax, don't they? But apparently that's not how the Hannah Montana movie ended, because Miley Cyrus is making another season. And no mention of regurgitated dino-puke, either. Disappointing.
We don't know how the Hannah Montana movie ended. We didn't see the Hannah Montana movie. We hit puberty several years ago. We assumed that we knew how the Hannah Montana movie would end, though - with Miley Cyrus getting hit in the face with an asteroid then bitten in half by a dinosaur, who then barfs her back up into Billy Ray Cyrus's crying face. Because movies like that need an feelgood climax, don't they? But apparently that's not how the Hannah Montana movie ended, because Miley Cyrus is making another season. And no mention of regurgitated dino-puke, either. Disappointing.
Don’t Call Miley Cyrus Fat (Because She’ll Never Shut Up About It)
Miley Cyrus is just like any teenage girl. So long as they've got millions of dollars, global fame and a terrifying thirst for power, too. So Miley Cyrus understands teenage problems. Like when your dad hogs the jacuzzi and then buys you the wrong colour pony as an apology. Or when your older boyfriend gets all like "Sorry baby, I'm flying off to Monaco for a fashion shoot," and you're all like "Whatever." And, like all teenage girls, Miley Cyrus is conscious of her weight. We know this because someone called her fat and she won't shut up about it.
Miley Cyrus is just like any teenage girl. So long as they've got millions of dollars, global fame and a terrifying thirst for power, too. So Miley Cyrus understands teenage problems. Like when your dad hogs the jacuzzi and then buys you the wrong colour pony as an apology. Or when your older boyfriend gets all like "Sorry baby, I'm flying off to Monaco for a fashion shoot," and you're all like "Whatever." And, like all teenage girls, Miley Cyrus is conscious of her weight. We know this because someone called her fat and she won't shut up about it.
Jamie Foxx Achey-Breaks Billy Ray Cyrus’ Heart
When Jamie Foxx said that he wanted Miley Cyrus to catch Chlamydia from a bike, he messed with the wrong dude. Or the right dude. He messed with Billy Ray Cyrus. And now Billy Ray Cyrus wants blood. "It was hurtful," he said, before adding "If anyone is going to turn Miley Cyrus into a disease-ridden drug addict it'll be me and my relentless desire to piggyback vicariously on her wealth and fame regardless of the cost. Not Jamie Foxx. ME!" Just to clear that up, Billy Ray Cyrus didn't actually say that last bit. He probably thought it, though.
When Jamie Foxx said that he wanted Miley Cyrus to catch Chlamydia from a bike, he messed with the wrong dude. Or the right dude. He messed with Billy Ray Cyrus. And now Billy Ray Cyrus wants blood. "It was hurtful," he said, before adding "If anyone is going to turn Miley Cyrus into a disease-ridden drug addict it'll be me and my relentless desire to piggyback vicariously on her wealth and fame regardless of the cost. Not Jamie Foxx. ME!" Just to clear that up, Billy Ray Cyrus didn't actually say that last bit. He probably thought it, though.
Jamie Foxx No Longer Wishes Miley Cyrus Had Chlamydia
Jamie Foxx is a comedian. No, really, he is. He's a comedian. That's why The Soloist is such a laugh-riot. He's a comedian. You know what that means. Sometimes Jamie Foxx has been known to push the boundaries of taste. Maybe he'll make an off-colour remark here, or embark upon an entire offensive movie career there. And that's because Jamie Foxx is a comedian. It's what he does. But there's a line. And that line is roughly located right before you suggest that Miley Cyrus should become a lesbian crack addict, if Jamie's grovelling apology is anything to go by.
Jamie Foxx is a comedian. No, really, he is. He's a comedian. That's why The Soloist is such a laugh-riot. He's a comedian. You know what that means. Sometimes Jamie Foxx has been known to push the boundaries of taste. Maybe he'll make an off-colour remark here, or embark upon an entire offensive movie career there. And that's because Jamie Foxx is a comedian. It's what he does. But there's a line. And that line is roughly located right before you suggest that Miley Cyrus should become a lesbian crack addict, if Jamie's grovelling apology is anything to go by.
Miley Cyrus Is Intelligent, Or Paranoid, Or Whatever
Did you know that Miley Cyrus designed and built the Large Hadron Collider completely by herself? Well she did. Because Miley Cyrus is intelligent. She says she's more intelligent than any of us think. Admittedly that's not hard - our intellectual expectations of Miley Cyrus are so low that she could burn the side of her face by confusing a hot iron for a ringing telephone and then spend three hours repeatedly clattering into a closed patio door with a confused look on her face and we'd still be impressed. Miley Cyrus didn't invent the Large Hadron Collider, by the way.
Did you know that Miley Cyrus designed and built the Large Hadron Collider completely by herself? Well she did. Because Miley Cyrus is intelligent. She says she's more intelligent than any of us think. Admittedly that's not hard - our intellectual expectations of Miley Cyrus are so low that she could burn the side of her face by confusing a hot iron for a ringing telephone and then spend three hours repeatedly clattering into a closed patio door with a confused look on her face and we'd still be impressed. Miley Cyrus didn't invent the Large Hadron Collider, by the way.
OMG! Miley Cyrus Totally Doesn’t Love Robert Pattinson! Etc!
Everyone knows that Robert Pattinson has two main target markets - hysterical teenage girls and lonely old women. So Miley Cyrus should be perfect for him. Miley's got a little bit of both Robert Pattinson fans in her - the enthusiasm and breathless cadence of a teenage girl, plus the speaking voice and dead-eyed world-weary cynicism of very, very old lady. But what's this? Miley Cyrus doesn't like Robert Pattinson? And she doesn't think anyone else likes Robert Pattinson either? And she dedicated an entire 19-word throwaway aside in a stupid magazine for objectionable children to the subject? This means WAR! Possibly.
Everyone knows that Robert Pattinson has two main target markets - hysterical teenage girls and lonely old women. So Miley Cyrus should be perfect for him. Miley's got a little bit of both Robert Pattinson fans in her - the enthusiasm and breathless cadence of a teenage girl, plus the speaking voice and dead-eyed world-weary cynicism of very, very old lady. But what's this? Miley Cyrus doesn't like Robert Pattinson? And she doesn't think anyone else likes Robert Pattinson either? And she dedicated an entire 19-word throwaway aside in a stupid magazine for objectionable children to the subject? This means WAR! Possibly.
Miley Cyrus Has Had It With This Hannah Montana Movie Guff
Hey kids, are you excited about the Hannah Montana movie? You are? Well you're doing better than Miley Cyrus, then. Because Miley Cyrus, um, isn't. Even though Hannah Montana: The Movie comes out in less than a fortnight, Miley Cyrus is already so bored of the whole thing that she's ruled out the possibility of making any sequels to it. You know what this means - no Hannah Montana 2. And no Hannah Montana 3: Hannah's Big City Vacation. And no Hannah Montana 4: Aquatic Adventuresplash. And no Hannah Montana 5: Requiem For A Tween. Miley Cyrus, you can really be an awful cow sometimes.
Hey kids, are you excited about the Hannah Montana movie? You are? Well you're doing better than Miley Cyrus, then. Because Miley Cyrus, um, isn't. Even though Hannah Montana: The Movie comes out in less than a fortnight, Miley Cyrus is already so bored of the whole thing that she's ruled out the possibility of making any sequels to it. You know what this means - no Hannah Montana 2. And no Hannah Montana 3: Hannah's Big City Vacation. And no Hannah Montana 4: Aquatic Adventuresplash. And no Hannah Montana 5: Requiem For A Tween. Miley Cyrus, you can really be an awful cow sometimes.
