Sometimes I look at Miley Cyrus and I don’t even know what to fucking say. It’s like, you look like total shit, but I kind of love you for it, and Bangerz was a great album, but how many experimental drugs are you on at this very moment, you know? The glamorous outfit featured above is what Miley wore to her concert in Miami last night, and like the rest of her Bangerz costumes, I have no fucking clue what’s going on.
It’s like Miley built a time machine, went to New York in 1992, found out where James St. James and the other club kids were partying, went there, picked up random items she found on the floor, made an outfit out of it, got back in her time machine, then performed wearing said outfit at her concert in December 2014.
The other day I made a Facebook status about Miley that got a lot of likes, and it said:
Sometimes I look at Miley Cyrus and think “I bet you smell like the Bar None men’s bathroom at 4am on a Saturday morning in 2009.”
For those of you not in the know, Bar None is a pretty skeezy afterhours bar in my hometown that I used to frequent a lot in 2009/2010 because I was 23-years-old and a total hot mess. I mean, I did one of those 365 Facebook albums and thought I was totally deep and profound when in reality I was a 23-year-old alcoholic who somehow managed to get a 7% in one of her university courses that semester. Life, ya know? But anyway, when I think of Bar None I think of this one particular night/morning in August 2009 when it was like 4am and there were only like 6 of us left in the bar. Techno was playing for some reason and I was sitting at a table drinking in a weirdly fancy dress (it looked fancy, but it was like $12), and one of my friends was asleep in my lap and another was dozing off next to me, and there were two gay guys in matching outfits making out against the pool table wearing glow stick necklaces, and another guy in the corner half asleep dancing by himself, and I’m like 90% there were people in the men’s bathroom having coked up sex and I was just like “Oh, so this is my life now.”
Now, even though I have never met Miley Cyrus, I am like 99.9999% sure that if how she smelled were a moment in time, it would be that one.
I mean, come on:
It looks like she gave a toddler some MDMA and was like “Ok, now do my make-up.”
But the really fucked up thing about all this is that regardless of how much I say Miley looks like shit and no matter how much you say Miley looks like shit, somehow she always manages to have some incredibly all-American looking sexy guy all up in her business. Yep, rumored boyfriend Patrick Schwarzenegger was totally there supporting his lady and probably banged her later that night even if she did look like a blind girl’s attempt at a Jem and the Holograms costume.
Here they are leaving another club later the same evening:
Patrick is a Kennedy and a frat boy, so part of my feels like there might be something very “She’s All That” to this relationship. Like his frat brother’s bet him that he couldn’t take the most ratchet girl in LA and turn her into the prom queen. Well don’t you worry, Miley, because that movie turned out preeeettttttyyyy good for ol’ Laney Boggs.
QuotheTheRaven says
WTF is that costume I SWEAR TO GOD I CAN’T EVEN ANYMORE WOW