Articles tagged with: Mariah Carey
Now that she's got married to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey has thrown out the celebrity rulebook. Everyone knows that the celebrity courting ritual involves an absurdly quick marriage to someone you just met, then an equally quick divorce followed by the adoption of an African kid who you decide to name Jifrizznia Grundlequack and then raise alone, filling it with a warped notion of reality that will ruin their lives when they grow up. Not Mariah Carey, though - after her absurdly quick marriage to Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey apparently wants to skip the divorce and go straight to the child section. And get this, Mariah Carey doesn't even want to adopt one - she wants to play god and grow a baby in her own stomach. Looks like it might be time for Mariah Carey to start taking her nutty pills again.
You might not realise it by the way she constantly totters around everywhere in ridiculous shoes being all like 'hey, look at me', but Mariah Carey actually has a lot of dignity. This is obvious from the way that Mariah Carey kept quiet about her marriage to Nick Cannon. She knows that weddings are sacred and personal and she doesn't want to sully that by making it public. That's our definition of dignity. Our definition of dignity also includes a) confirming your marriage to People magazine, b) selling your wedding photos to the same magazine, c) yammering on endlessly about your marriage to the magazine like a froth-mouthed nutbag, and d) getting a marriage-proclaiming tattoo across your back so even people who you aren't directly looking at can see that you're married. Mariah Carey has done all of these things recently. Perhaps we need to buy a new dictionary.
OK, that's it, it's official - Mariah Carey really is stupid enough to get married to someone she's only known for a month. For all the reports of Mariah Carey's marriage to her video director Nick Cannon, the lack of an official confirmation led many to believe that it was all just an elaborately cynical publicity stunt, albeit an elaborately cynical publicity stunt that nobody could really give very much of a shit about. But we can lay all that to rest now - Mariah Carey has emailed the editor of Vogue to tell him how happy she is about being married. Nick Cannon might have emailed some people as well, but nobody cares because he isn't famous and, besides, he doesn't really look old enough to know how a computer works, does he?
An apology: yesterday we said that Mariah Carey would never marry Nick Cannon because they've only just met and nobody's that stupid. We now solemnly swear to never underestimate the stupidity of another celebrity again. And that's because Mariah Carey has got married to Nick Cannon. According to various reports, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon got married earlier this week in the Bahamas after knowing each other for just over a month. Nothing's been officially confirmed by either Mariah or Nick yet, though, which sort of makes this a repeat of the Jay-Z and Beyonce wedding, if Beyonce was a bloke we'd never heard of and Jay-Z was an annoying woman who had a mental breakdown quite recently.
Listen, we're going to tell you this, but you absolutely mustn't care about it. If you do, we'll find you and attack you. OK, ready? Mariah Carey's got engaged. Ta-daaaaah! Do you care? No, no you don't - and that's the way it should be. But wait, what if we tell you that Mariah Carey has got engaged to Nick Cannon? Do you care now? No, of course you don't, because you don't know who Nick Cannon is. Nobody does. So what about this - Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have known each other for less than two months, which means the chances of this ending in a way that's messy and embarrassing for all is sky-high? Yeah, now you care. Doesn't matter. We're still coming to beat you up.
If anyone out there saw Mariah Carey's last big movie Glitter in 2001, then you have probably not digested a good meal since. It's not so much that it generated bile, it's that it kept generating bile every time someone so much as uttered Mariah's name or she appeared on telly with her giant ass folded into a swimsuit. And now she's making another one. Glitter was apparently based, at least in part, on Mariah Carey's own life story. Like the heroine in the film, she too rose to fame as a singer from a troubled background; unlike her character in the film however, 3D Mariah is still releasing records. They are mainly duds about touching her up or not going bonkers anymore, but are religiously played by radio stations everywhere that have an 'X' in the title.
Elvis Presley may have shaped the modern notion of what popular music is, but was he ever the cover star of a '100 Hottest Body Tips From The Stars' special issue of People magazine?
No he wasn't. But Mariah Carey is. Thus Mariah is better than Elvis Presley.
And Mariah Carey isn't just better than Elvis Presley at having a beach fit bikini body, either - Mariah Carey is also better at music and stuff as well. It's true - Mariah Carey has notched up her 18th American number one single, while rubbish old Elvis Presley only managed to get 17 before he snuffed it. Mariah is the new Elvis! Yay! That means we'll be able to dress up like her and ghoulishly traipse around her house when she dies! Yay!
Hey, can we get a whoop-whoop out there for Albert Einstein? What about you nerds in the back? A little Albie love? No?? Fine. We’ll just turn to the person we always turn to when we need some mad science props: Mariah Carey.
You see, girlfriend’s got herself a new album coming out in April called E=MC2. Before you get too excited like we did, just know that there probably isn’t anything to do with Einstein’s Theory of Relativity on there.
We took a little listen to the first single, Touch My Body, so we can tell you there’s probably nothing to do with anything on there.
Okay, so maybe we haven’t had a record number of hit songs for a bunch of years in a row like Mariah Carey did, and maybe our legs aren’t insured for a billion dollars like Mariah Carey – the most we could get our legs insured for was about 50 bucks with a pop tart thrown in for the peg leg – but we still give ourselves full ridiculing rights when it comes to Mariah Carey.
