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Mariah Carey

Mariah Carey Acceptance Speech: The Surprisingly Coherent Explanation

by Stuart Heritage

By now you will have all seen the video of Mariah Carey cackling and slurring and wailing like a goon at an awards show.

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Mariah Carey Wins ‘Best David After Dentist Impression’ Award

by Stuart Heritage

Thanks to Glitter – and, to a lesser extent, the Touch My Body video – Mariah Carey is rarely praised for her acting.

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WEBTHUMP! 16 December 2009

by Stuart Heritage

10 – You want another reason to fear the octopus? Here you are – Geekologie 9 – Katie Prince does Bruno. No, not literally, Ugh – AmyGrindhouse 8 – Tara Reid does Playboy, possibly because God hates us all – Bestweekever 7 – Mariah Carey: ANALYSED – MyChemicalToilet 10 – You want another reason to [...]

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Mariah Carey Uglies Up For Critics. And It Works!

by Josh Burt

Hollywood – it’s quite a place. And it takes some figuring out, with its crazy unwritten rules, and big fat men on phones calling the shots. But one trick that has surfaced over the last few years is that if you’re quite pretty and you want to be taken seriously in a film, you’ve got [...]

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Eminem Vs Mariah Carey: The Next Interminable Round

by Stuart Heritage

It’s becoming clear that Eminem and Mariah Carey are the Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor of pop.

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Mariah Carey Becomes A Man For Eminem

by Shawn Lindseth

Hecklerspray truly believes there will come a day when we’ll wake up and stand on a conveyor belt. First we’ll slide past the pee station, then we’ll brush our teeth, we’ll choose a daily gender and then we’ll probably eat some porridge that a robot made for us. Perhaps the pee station should be after [...]

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WEBTHUMP! July 1 2009

by Stuart Heritage

10 – Look! Sarah Jessica Parker and some babies! Exciting! – PopEater 9 – You know who we’ve been neglecting lately? Female rappers – Interestment 8 – This delicious-looking piece of computing equipment would last three seconds if it came anywhere near us. It looks disturbingly delicious – Geekologie 7 – Jonathan Ross and Graham [...]

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Watch The Precious Trailer! Because Life Is Precious.

by Alex de Moller

Precious is heavy… And we’re not talking about the main character, Clareece ‘Precious’ Jones.  Actress Gabourey Sidibe teams up with comedian Mo’Nique, Mariah Carey and Paula Patton to tell an urban tale of abuse, self hatred and feeling worthless. Main character Precious, is 16, illiterate and pregnant for the second time by her father. Her mother is [...]

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Nick Cannon To Host America’s Got Zero Self-Awareness

by Stuart Heritage

The thing about America’s Got Talent is that it isn’t really about talent – it’s about attention-seeking idiots.

But at least America’s Got Talent knows this. That’s why, to replace Jerry Springer, the new host of America’s Got Talent has been named as Nick Cannon. Nick Cannon. Oh, you know Nick Cannon. He’s Mariah Carey’s husband.

Anyway, to help Nick Cannon fit in, America’s Got Talent is changing its name to suit him. Currently it’s a toss-up between America Once Met A Stripper Called Talent, America’s Got A Rampant Desire For Fame and America Got Married To Someone With Talent For The Money.

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Mariah Carey Furious About Husband’s Sex Yammer

by Stuart Heritage

Now, when you’re Mariah Carey it’s important that you have the right image – and that image is of a massive, slightly chavvy, slag.

That’s why Mariah Carey only makes music videos that feature her wriggling around in a bra or splashing about in a bikini in slow motion, and it’s also whyMariah Carey only releases songs called Touch My Body or Squeeze My Knockers or Stare Up My Bumhole. Appearing to be constantly sexually available is Mariah Carey’s one promotional cornerstone.

And that explains Mariah Carey’s alleged rage at husband Nick Cannon for telling the world that Mariah enforced a strict ‘no sex before marriage’ policy upon meeting him. Mariah Carey not instantly thwapping it all on a plate? That’s the kind of loose talk that destroys careers! Luckily Mariah Carey is a pro, so she’s fixed the problem herself by heavily implying that she sucked Nick off a bunch of times before the wedding. No joke.

Now, when you're Mariah Carey it's important that you have the right image - and that image is of a massive, slightly chavvy, slag. That's why Mariah Carey only makes music videos that feature her wriggling around in a bra or splashing about in a bikini in slow motion, and it's also whyMariah Carey only releases songs called Touch My Body or Squeeze My Knockers or Stare Up My Bumhole. Appearing to be constantly sexually available is Mariah Carey's one promotional cornerstone. And that explains Mariah Carey's alleged rage at husband Nick Cannon for telling the world that Mariah enforced a strict 'no sex before marriage' policy upon meeting him. Mariah Carey not instantly thwapping it all on a plate? That's the kind of loose talk that destroys careers! Luckily Mariah Carey is a pro, so she's fixed the problem herself by heavily implying that she sucked Nick off a bunch of times before the wedding. No joke.
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