You may have looked at Mariah Carey and thought “jeez! She’s piling the weight on now isn’t she?” Well, you massive tagnut, that’s because she’s eating for three these days. Yes, we know that she’s been eating for three for a while… but now, she’s got children growing in her stomach.
The massive freak.
That’s right. There’s two entirely separate humans growing up her slice and, because we crept into her room while she slept, we decided to have a little look up her nightdress and find out what type of humans she’d be squeezing out.
And so, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon who once had sex without a condom on, hence the whole ‘hatching a pair of babies’ thing, will be furious with hecklerspray as we completely spoil their surprise news that they were hoping to get a magazine deal from.
Basically, after having a good rummage around, we can announce that Mariah will be screaming in agony and quite possibly soiling herself while taking in great gulps of prescribed drug vapours while forcing out…
A BOY AND A GIRL!
That’s just wonderful news isn’t it? There’s inbred people who live on the moorlands who dream of such a pairing, so they can indulge in some distressing animal husbandry with their own kids.
Not Mariah though. She’s just going to give them daft names and spoil them to the point where they will not be able to function as part of normal society when they’re approaching adulthood. This means we’ll invariably get to write about them in the future.
So there you have it. We’ve told some outrageous fibs and made some of the most disgusting jokes we could think of while delivering the news that Mariah will be having a boy and a girl, which is actually quite nice for them.
No piss off before we start gurgling cute asides about little shitting bundles of joy.
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Impulse Magazine says
I did not know that Mariah Carey was having twins. I wonder if Nick Cannon is really ready to become a father.