Articles tagged with: madonna
Madonna’s Malawi Adopto-Snatch Made Gloriously Official
When Madonna adopts a child, it's hard. There's the spoon-feeding. There's the bathing. There's the constant threat of incontinence. Yup, that Madonna sure does take a lot of looking after. But little Mercy James is bound to cope. Because, just as we've been expecting all week, the Malawi Supreme Court has finally approved Madonna's request to formally adopt Mercy James and take her home. Madonna has fought so hard for this - it's everything she's always wanted. Until next week when she decides that she also wants a diamond-studded unicorn, and throws another pissy fit when someone tells her no, obviously.
When Madonna adopts a child, it's hard. There's the spoon-feeding. There's the bathing. There's the constant threat of incontinence. Yup, that Madonna sure does take a lot of looking after. But little Mercy James is bound to cope. Because, just as we've been expecting all week, the Malawi Supreme Court has finally approved Madonna's request to formally adopt Mercy James and take her home. Madonna has fought so hard for this - it's everything she's always wanted. Until next week when she decides that she also wants a diamond-studded unicorn, and throws another pissy fit when someone tells her no, obviously.
Madonna Gets To Snatch That African Orphan After All
It's time to congratulate Madonna. And not because she only got up to pee 17 times last night - although that is her personal best this year. Instead Madonna appears to have defied international adoption law and all number of child trafficking protesters by winning her appeal to adopt little Mercy James, the orphan that she couldn't have a few months ago. It's unknown how Madonna convinced the judges to allow the adoption since, when asked, their voices were muffled by the sumptuous collar of their new fur coat and drowned out by the roar of their gleaming speedboat respectively.
It's time to congratulate Madonna. And not because she only got up to pee 17 times last night - although that is her personal best this year. Instead Madonna appears to have defied international adoption law and all number of child trafficking protesters by winning her appeal to adopt little Mercy James, the orphan that she couldn't have a few months ago. It's unknown how Madonna convinced the judges to allow the adoption since, when asked, their voices were muffled by the sumptuous collar of their new fur coat and drowned out by the roar of their gleaming speedboat respectively.
Portrait Of Madonna’s Saggy Tits Fails To Sell
At one point in time, Madonna was a feminine woman who graced the charts without having to flex her arse at us. Even perverts liked her - they got to see ropey porn featuring cars and candle wax. Now she’s bulked up so much that if you sticky-taped a drawing of a willy over her lady tunnel, she'd legally be classified as a bloke. Over the years, she has moved on to other career paths. These include picking up an African child as her new plaything and divorcing Guy Richie. Someone captured their time together in a painting which we’d sum up as rubbish. Arty people seem to agree too - nobody bought it.
At one point in time, Madonna was a feminine woman who graced the charts without having to flex her arse at us. Even perverts liked her - they got to see ropey porn featuring cars and candle wax. Now she’s bulked up so much that if you sticky-taped a drawing of a willy over her lady tunnel, she'd legally be classified as a bloke. Over the years, she has moved on to other career paths. These include picking up an African child as her new plaything and divorcing Guy Richie. Someone captured their time together in a painting which we’d sum up as rubbish. Arty people seem to agree too - nobody bought it.
Madonna’s Adoption Plans Shelved Foreverish
All Madonna wanted was to collect African orphans and secretly drink their spinal fluid to preserve her youth. Or, you know, look after them and give them a lifestyle they could never even imagine. Or whatever. Anyway, it doesn't matter now because it's all off. Madonna has discovered that her appeal to adopt three-year-old Mercy James from Malawi has been shelved indefinitely. 'Indefinitely' is a deceptively woolly term, so let's try to break it down for you - it's roughly the period of time that Madonna falsely thinks she can still get away with dressing like someone 35 years younger than her.
All Madonna wanted was to collect African orphans and secretly drink their spinal fluid to preserve her youth. Or, you know, look after them and give them a lifestyle they could never even imagine. Or whatever. Anyway, it doesn't matter now because it's all off. Madonna has discovered that her appeal to adopt three-year-old Mercy James from Malawi has been shelved indefinitely. 'Indefinitely' is a deceptively woolly term, so let's try to break it down for you - it's roughly the period of time that Madonna falsely thinks she can still get away with dressing like someone 35 years younger than her.
Police: Madonna’s Horse-Fall Was Her Own Elderly Fault
So Madonna fell off that horse because a photographer - possibly working for Old Bags On Saddles magazine - spooked it. And it's true. It's true because Madonna's rep Liz Rosenberg said it was true, and everything she says is true, with the possible exception of most of the things she says. But apparently, according to the incident's police report, the paparazzi played no part in Madonna's little topple whatsoever. It's a shame, because we assumed that Madonna now hurts herself whenever there's a photographer around. Oh well, we'll just have to cancel her photoshoot at the rusty spike factory, we suppose.
So Madonna fell off that horse because a photographer - possibly working for Old Bags On Saddles magazine - spooked it. And it's true. It's true because Madonna's rep Liz Rosenberg said it was true, and everything she says is true, with the possible exception of most of the things she says. But apparently, according to the incident's police report, the paparazzi played no part in Madonna's little topple whatsoever. It's a shame, because we assumed that Madonna now hurts herself whenever there's a photographer around. Oh well, we'll just have to cancel her photoshoot at the rusty spike factory, we suppose.
Madonna Knackers Herself On Another Horse
Madonna is the material girl - specifically the materials of elastoplast, tubigrip and whatever colostomy bags are made from. Alright, not the last one. But the first two are almost a certainty, because Madonna has only gone and fallen off another poxy horse again. Apparently Madonna was hospitalised this weekend after toppling off a horse in the Hamptons, and she's blaming the paparazzi. But anyone worried that Madonna falling off two horses in four years puts a dent in her 'queen of reinvention' tag should relax - this time Madonna fell off a horse in a silly hat. Possibly. It's completely different.
Madonna is the material girl - specifically the materials of elastoplast, tubigrip and whatever colostomy bags are made from. Alright, not the last one. But the first two are almost a certainty, because Madonna has only gone and fallen off another poxy horse again. Apparently Madonna was hospitalised this weekend after toppling off a horse in the Hamptons, and she's blaming the paparazzi. But anyone worried that Madonna falling off two horses in four years puts a dent in her 'queen of reinvention' tag should relax - this time Madonna fell off a horse in a silly hat. Possibly. It's completely different.
WEBTHUMP! Thursday 9 April 2009
10 - The best picture of Peaches Geldof you will ever see - Holy Moly 9 - Here's a collection of murderous Japanese robots - Cracked 8 - This just in: farting during a football match gets you yellow-carded - Manchestereveningnews 7 - You want to hear more stories about men getting their penises bitten off, don't you? Of course you do - Metro
Madonna Can’t Have That Orphan She Had Her Eye On
It's a big day for Madonna - although at her age any day that she doesn't shatter her hip slipping in the bath is a big day. What's the occasion? Why, despite her best efforts, a court has rejected Madonna's bid to adopt Mercy James from Malawi. It's sad news - Madonna had already ordered Mercy 25 genuinely offensive leotards and purchased a special little drill to gap her teeth and everything. What’s Madonna’s next step? Well, she can either appeal against the ruling or adopt a kid from Gloucestershire and just black it up a bit. The second one’s probably easier.
It's a big day for Madonna - although at her age any day that she doesn't shatter her hip slipping in the bath is a big day. What's the occasion? Why, despite her best efforts, a court has rejected Madonna's bid to adopt Mercy James from Malawi. It's sad news - Madonna had already ordered Mercy 25 genuinely offensive leotards and purchased a special little drill to gap her teeth and everything. What’s Madonna’s next step? Well, she can either appeal against the ruling or adopt a kid from Gloucestershire and just black it up a bit. The second one’s probably easier.
