No one would ever accuse Madonna of being an overprotective, smothering type mother, that is for sure. I mean, when you’re known just as much for a coffee table book of your tits and gyrating your varicose veiny ass all over your manchild boyfriends, as you are for the fact that you are a musician, it’s highly doubtful your children will grow up wearing ankle length skirts and watching PBS at 16.
Now thanks to social media, we not only know Madonna’s trying too hard to be the “cool mom,” but we have visible proof of her dumbassness. As if just being Madonna’s kid wasn’t enough to commit them to a life long need for therapy. Madonna is not above a little hash tagging action paired alongside an iPhone picture filtered in Nashville or Earlybird. The Queen of Pop and cone bras has gotten a little more into her Instagram pretty regularly, which is fine by me since it doesn’t involve having to listen to her faux British accent that sounds like something out of a middle school production of Oliver Twist. She has been posting quite a few pictures from the holidays, and it’s a shot of her barely teenaged son and his friends that has got some parental panties in a bunch.
What, I don’t see what’s wrong with this shot? Lots of people rang in the new year by replacing the 70% of water in their body with the way better clear liquid gold known as vodka. Oh, that’s her son, Rocco, in the middle? Tons of parents party with their children, it’s a holiday! Oh, he’s only 13? Well, you do realize exactly who his mother is, right?
Come on people, are you really surprised by this shit? Of course this picture is totally reprehensible and will probably one day be the “LOOK WHERE IT ALL STARTED!” insert shot in an expose done by the National Enquirer on Rocco’s secret life as a sex for hire drag queen with an addiction to Botox, pain pills, and Franzia, but Madonna doesn’t give a fuck about the future! It’s all about the right now. And right now, Madonna is the mother of a young man who barely knows what his dick is truly for, but whose opinion of her must be that she is the coolest mom evahhhh or else her life is sort of pointless. Who gives a shit that this is illegal, or detrimental, or all around a terrible fucking idea? Madonna only cares about one thing.
Granted, just being Madonna automatically means she isn’t a regular mom, but ya know, you can’t say Madonna isn’t a total try hard. Of course, after everyone went all stuffy and M.A.D.D. on the hero of cougars everywhere, she posted another picture defending herself and calling everyone judging her haters.
I don’t fully see how that picture really does anything but insinuate that Rocco’s the pimp in his circle of little gay boy friends. I mean, take a look again at the shot from New Year’s Eve. Rocco distinctly looks like a Jonas Brother at a hipster based GLAAD meeting. But don’t mind me, I am just starting the year off judging like a terrible person. Maybe next year my resolution will be to stop being such a catty bitch (here’s a little Nostradamus action for you- no it will not). But Madonna should also gives us all a little more credit. No one was drinking? Really? That’s the rebuttal you came up with? Don’t you pay someone an asshole load of money to write shit for you to say when you fuck up? Because if you do and that’s what they came up with, I think it’s time to place a Craigslist ad for a new PR bitch.
Oh Madonna. Have you learned nothing from terrible Hollywood parents who care more about being best buddies with their children than actually being a parent? Take 5 seconds to Google the life of Lindsay Lohan if you must, and really get a good understanding for what happens when a mother would rather take shots with their kid than make them read a book. You don’t want to be Dina Lohan. You do not need to leech off of your kids’ talents or cash like she does, so you really don’t need them to always like you. You can say “no” and not worry about how you are going to afford your gym sessions to keep those unattractive biceps so gross. Be a mom!
I mean, between your vagina being all out there for anyone to see, the fact that you once not only fucked but MARRIED Sean Penn, and that you continuously date men young enough to be your child as a way to suck their youthful essence and stay young a la the Skeksis from Dark Crystal, your children have enough issues they will one day need to deal with through the help of a really amazing psychotherapist. You don’t need to add a drinking problem before they get a learner’s permit to the mix.