Articles tagged with: madonna
Madonna’s Son Doesn’t Recognise Madonna’s Son’s Dad
The best thing about Madonna going to Malawi this week is Malwai getting to see what a leotarded vagina looks like. No, wait, that's disgusting. What we meant to say was that the best thing about Madonna going to Malawi this week is that her adopted son David Banda can meet his biological father Yohane for the first time since Madonna took him out of the country. Because, really, what's the worst thing that can happen? David Banda not recognising Yohane and asking him who he is and why he's so poor through an interpreter? Oh, that actually happened? Awkward.
The best thing about Madonna going to Malawi this week is Malwai getting to see what a leotarded vagina looks like. No, wait, that's disgusting. What we meant to say was that the best thing about Madonna going to Malawi this week is that her adopted son David Banda can meet his biological father Yohane for the first time since Madonna took him out of the country. Because, really, what's the worst thing that can happen? David Banda not recognising Yohane and asking him who he is and why he's so poor through an interpreter? Oh, that actually happened? Awkward.
Lock Up Your Orphans, Malawi – Madonna’s In Town
Madonna - essentially Chitty Chitty Bang Bang's Child Catcher with a more prominent vagina - is in Malawi. You know what this means? Madonna isn't leaving until she's snagged herself an orphan. It doesn't matter how - whether she does it legally or has to bend a few rules or resorts to wedging one between the gap in her teeth when nobody's looking - it's going to happen. Of course, Madonna denies this. But then she would - otherwise this story would never stretch out for so long that it makes us want to kill ourselves. And surely that's the only reason she's even doing this.
Madonna - essentially Chitty Chitty Bang Bang's Child Catcher with a more prominent vagina - is in Malawi. You know what this means? Madonna isn't leaving until she's snagged herself an orphan. It doesn't matter how - whether she does it legally or has to bend a few rules or resorts to wedging one between the gap in her teeth when nobody's looking - it's going to happen. Of course, Madonna denies this. But then she would - otherwise this story would never stretch out for so long that it makes us want to kill ourselves. And surely that's the only reason she's even doing this.
Madonna Hunts Another Orphan, For A Son Or Boyfriend
We've always maintained that African orphans are like Pringles, in that you can fit several of them in a tube. No, wait, that's wrong. We meant to say that once you pop, you can't stop. Just look at Madonna - she's already popped one African orphan. Adopted. We meant adopted. Just to clear that up, Madonna has in no way ever exploded a parentless African child. Those are just nasty, unfounded rumours. Let's start again. Having already adopted one orphan from Malawi, Madonna is said to want to adopt another one. There, that wasn't so hard, was it? Honestly, sometimes...
We've always maintained that African orphans are like Pringles, in that you can fit several of them in a tube. No, wait, that's wrong. We meant to say that once you pop, you can't stop. Just look at Madonna - she's already popped one African orphan. Adopted. We meant adopted. Just to clear that up, Madonna has in no way ever exploded a parentless African child. Those are just nasty, unfounded rumours. Let's start again. Having already adopted one orphan from Malawi, Madonna is said to want to adopt another one. There, that wasn't so hard, was it? Honestly, sometimes...
Guy Ritchie & Jemima Khan: Genuinely Rubbish Couple Alert
Say whatever you like about Guy Ritchie, but never suggest that he doesn't like women with stupid accents. Because that's incontestable fact. Until recently Guy Ritchie was married to Madonna, whose bizarre mid-Atlantic accent made her sound exactly like Lloyd Grossman choking on grape skins - and now it's been rumoured that he's hooked up with Jemima Khan, the horsey aristocrat who used to go out with Hugh Grant. And, as we all known, Jemima Khan is so furiously posh that her voice sounds a mouse stuck up a chimney who can only communicate in vowel-sounds. Well done, Guy Ritchie.
Say whatever you like about Guy Ritchie, but never suggest that he doesn't like women with stupid accents. Because that's incontestable fact. Until recently Guy Ritchie was married to Madonna, whose bizarre mid-Atlantic accent made her sound exactly like Lloyd Grossman choking on grape skins - and now it's been rumoured that he's hooked up with Jemima Khan, the horsey aristocrat who used to go out with Hugh Grant. And, as we all known, Jemima Khan is so furiously posh that her voice sounds a mouse stuck up a chimney who can only communicate in vowel-sounds. Well done, Guy Ritchie.
WEBTHUMP! Tuesday 17 February 2009
10 - Heard enough about Christian Bale yet? Family Guy doesn't seem to think so... 9 - Yet more evidence of why Yahoo Answers is the best website on the planet - Image 8 - How much money did Madonna make last year? An OBSCENE amount, that's how much - ...
Guy Ritchie’s New Girlfriend = Hugh Grant’s Old Girlfriend?
All those years of marriage to Madonna have done something strange to Guy Ritchie - they've opened him up to the possibility of love. Or, to be more specific, they've opened him up to the possibility of love with immensely rich women whose plummy British accents are so ludicrous that they sound like aristocratic cats yakking up hairballs when they try to speak. To demonstrate this, Guy Ritchie has apparently been seen 'canoodling' with Jemima Khan - a woman who's basically just a singing career, an adopted African child and a wardrobe full of gruesome leotards away from actually being Madonna. Possibly.
All those years of marriage to Madonna have done something strange to Guy Ritchie - they've opened him up to the possibility of love. Or, to be more specific, they've opened him up to the possibility of love with immensely rich women whose plummy British accents are so ludicrous that they sound like aristocratic cats yakking up hairballs when they try to speak. To demonstrate this, Guy Ritchie has apparently been seen 'canoodling' with Jemima Khan - a woman who's basically just a singing career, an adopted African child and a wardrobe full of gruesome leotards away from actually being Madonna. Possibly.
Madonna Divorce Settlement: Considerably Stingier Than Assumed
Remember when everyone thought that Madonna had given Guy Ritchie close to $100 million in their divorce settlement because she's so lovely? Yeah, she's not lovely. Madonna is an awful person. And, as a reminder, Madonna has rushed out a statement suggesting that she wouldn't dream of giving a cloth-eared bellend like Guy Ritchie that much money. However, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have said they're happy with the divorce settlement - Madonna because she can keep her money and Guy Ritchie because he doesn't have a wife who looks like a pensioner's scrotum wrapped around a set of antique dentures any more.
Remember when everyone thought that Madonna had given Guy Ritchie close to $100 million in their divorce settlement because she's so lovely? Yeah, she's not lovely. Madonna is an awful person. And, as a reminder, Madonna has rushed out a statement suggesting that she wouldn't dream of giving a cloth-eared bellend like Guy Ritchie that much money. However, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have said they're happy with the divorce settlement - Madonna because she can keep her money and Guy Ritchie because he doesn't have a wife who looks like a pensioner's scrotum wrapped around a set of antique dentures any more.
Madonna Gives Guy Ritchie A Dirty Great Pile Of Divorce Cash
When Guy Ritchie divorced Madonna recently, it definitely wasn't about the money - definitely, definitely not. It was about the children. And it was about having the freedom to do whatever he wanted. And it was about going to bed each night with a woman who didn't feel like a half-chewed steak. But Guy Ritchie definitely didn't divorce Madonna for the money. Except now Guy Ritchie's divorce settlement from Madonna has come through at close to $100 million, including a dirty great mansion and pub. It's so much money that Guy Ritchie never has to work again. Guy, read that last sentence again. Read it!
When Guy Ritchie divorced Madonna recently, it definitely wasn't about the money - definitely, definitely not. It was about the children. And it was about having the freedom to do whatever he wanted. And it was about going to bed each night with a woman who didn't feel like a half-chewed steak. But Guy Ritchie definitely didn't divorce Madonna for the money. Except now Guy Ritchie's divorce settlement from Madonna has come through at close to $100 million, including a dirty great mansion and pub. It's so much money that Guy Ritchie never has to work again. Guy, read that last sentence again. Read it!
