Poor Madonna. In a desparate attempt to remain hip, cool and happening (three words that no-one under the age of 55 uses) she desperately clings to various attempts to be relevant – and often ends up falling arse over elbow.
It’s like your grandparents joining Facebook then friend requesting you. Suddenly, you feel like everything you do is disgusting and terrible. So of course Madge keeps trying similar things. Her latest is being on Instagram.
Now, in doing so, she seems to have forgotten that everyone abandoned Instagram a few months ago when they decided that they own the copyright on every image you upload. It’d be funny if it wasn’t kind of sad. It’s like Madonna herself is turning up to a party with a couple of wine coolers in her hands except that it’s 4am, everyone’s asleep or gone home, and all that’s left is a cat that was force-fed the punch earlier in the night quietly vomiting in the front yard.
But still, Madonna valiantly tried to power through and act relevant. Even her first post on the service was kind of awkward for how ill-fitting it was. Alongside the weird image of her emaciated face suckling on what looks to be a solid silver cocktail glass (the kind of thing you’d get alongside your lam? tie-dye carpet in the 1970s) was this forthright message:
Cheers motherfuckers! I’m on instagram
It gets worse though. There are plenty of embarassing pictures already online of Madonna that she’s uploaded to her Instagram page: not least one which looks at first sight like it’s a post-coital still from a homemade porn movie starring her.
You watched it. You can’t unwatch it. Now get that horrible image out of your head.
Then there are other ones, such as the totally inexplicable sight of her with some sort of beanie hat tied around her face in the style of a handlebar moustache. I mean, she seems to have got the whole concept of the internet right: you post inane shit that no-one really cares about to the world and think that it’s the most important/funniest thing anyone’s ever done.
But there’s the fact that Instagram’s jumped the shark. Really, she should be Vineing stuff, not taking stills. And imagine how weird six seconds with Madonna would be. That’s the sort of thing that would get her the cool points she seems to so desperately crave.