Did you guys know that Madonna is like, so cool? Look at this picture up here? She’s decorating her back with a message of support for Barack Obama, and, like, you know, she ironically said that Barack Obama is a Muslim. The problem is her funny joke wasn’t so funny, because she’s not a comedian, and people are stupid. Some people thought that was serious.
She then had to apologise afterwards. “I was being ironic on stage,” she said. “Yes, I know Obama is not a Muslim – though I know that plenty of people in this country think he is. And what if he were?” (Quick tip: if you have to point out your irony afterwards, you’re not doing it right. It’d be like me making a joke, you not getting it, then me painstakingly running you through why the joke is funny after.)
The problem is that Madge has made her career based on the fact that she’s one to shy away from normality and attempt to be shocking. That works when you’re 18 or 19, and even works through your twenties. You can still lash out against society and its ridiculous norms at that age. But when you’re in your fifties, it becomes a little dispirting and sad.
You’ve had children, for Christ’s sake. No parent is cool. No parent is shocking. You could be a parent and say “well, I still occasionally dabble in the odd cocaine-fuelled transvestite orgy and it somehow becomes twee because we know that behind it all you have dependents and responsibilities. We know that ultimately, you have to go home at night and tuck Lourdes into bed.
But really, even when she was younger, Madonna wasn’t known for striking the right tone. Take for example the reason the entire city of Toronto thinks she’s kind of a bitch, really. The year was 1993: she was performing in Philadelphia. The Phillies were taking on the Blue Jays in the World Series, and Madonna’s natural reaction is “I will slag off Toronto.” She does, and is surprised when that backfires and Torontonians get offended.
Her publicist has to step in (again, having to explain the joke means it never was a joke in the first place), and utters the incredible words “I can’t believe that Toronto wouldn’t have a sense of humour.”
There’s the above, which I’m not really going to comment on. But yes, that is Madonna crucifying herself, just for fun.
Swearing on live television just because you can is also not cool. When she presented the Turner Prize, a modern art award in the UK, in 2001, Madge decided to drop the MF bomb. At like 7pm.
We can only imagine this was because she felt a) like she was losing touch and needed to do something ‘edgy’ to restore her place in the pantheon of provocateurs, b) she felt inadequate at being a mainstream artist and wanted to be in with the cool modern art crowd or c) she really is just a crazy old lady.
I’m going with c. I mean, have you seen her wrinkly forearms lately?!
Put ’em away grandma, and stop trying to be edgy, cool and intriguing. Just have a cup of cocoa and chill the fuck out.