Articles tagged with: madonna
Is Gwyneth Paltrow Schtupping A Billionaire? Would You Even Care?
Some advance warning: Coldplay, the dreariest band in the entire world, might be about to get considerably drearier. And it's all Gwyneth Paltrow's fault. Tucked away at the bottom of a New York Daily News article about how many molecules of mashed potato she briefly considered touching with her tongue yesterday - or whatever - came the news that Gwyneth Paltrow's marriage to Chris Martin is 'on a break' and that she's spending a lot of time with an American real estate billionaire named Jeff Soffer. Great. Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow will end up divorcing Chris Martin and shack up with this Jeff Soffer chap instead. Let's hope so because, judging by all the insipid cock she's inspired her husband to write over the years, it'd mean that Gwyneth Paltrow would the impetus for some of the most cluelessly vapid architectural designs ever seen by mankid. Or a swimming pool shaped like a concerned face, at the very least.
Some advance warning: Coldplay, the dreariest band in the entire world, might be about to get considerably drearier. And it's all Gwyneth Paltrow's fault. Tucked away at the bottom of a New York Daily News article about how many molecules of mashed potato she briefly considered touching with her tongue yesterday - or whatever - came the news that Gwyneth Paltrow's marriage to Chris Martin is 'on a break' and that she's spending a lot of time with an American real estate billionaire named Jeff Soffer. Great. Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow will end up divorcing Chris Martin and shack up with this Jeff Soffer chap instead. Let's hope so because, judging by all the insipid cock she's inspired her husband to write over the years, it'd mean that Gwyneth Paltrow would the impetus for some of the most cluelessly vapid architectural designs ever seen by mankid. Or a swimming pool shaped like a concerned face, at the very least.
Madonna Possibly Looks In A-Rod’s General Direction! Disgusting!
Madonna has never been shy about displaying her love, and by 'love' we obviously mean 'grotty old lady vagina'. But her actual love? That's a different story. Madonna knows that love is a tender and private thing, and therefore always keeps it to herself like a coy little schoolgirl. A schoolgirl who's been dipped into an acid bath and then sandblasted, obviously, but a schoolgirl nonetheless. This coyness was on full show last night, when Madonna sat her rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez in the front row of her concert in Miami and kept making funny little glances towards him during some of her more sentimental songs. Oh, and she did something else to him as well - something mind-scarringly ghastly. Not an exaggeration.
Madonna has never been shy about displaying her love, and by 'love' we obviously mean 'grotty old lady vagina'. But her actual love? That's a different story. Madonna knows that love is a tender and private thing, and therefore always keeps it to herself like a coy little schoolgirl. A schoolgirl who's been dipped into an acid bath and then sandblasted, obviously, but a schoolgirl nonetheless. This coyness was on full show last night, when Madonna sat her rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez in the front row of her concert in Miami and kept making funny little glances towards him during some of her more sentimental songs. Oh, and she did something else to him as well - something mind-scarringly ghastly. Not an exaggeration.
Madonna Can’t Brainwash A-Rod Into Spending Holiday With Her
Madonna doesn't do Thanksgiving, possibly because someone once confused her with a turkey and tried slicing her bum open. And because of this, Madonna won't be spending this Thanksgiving with rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez. Well, in truth it's because Alex Rodriguez would rather spend Thanksgiving with his children in Florida than with the human equivalent of frozen giblets, but the bum-slicing thing just seemed funnier. But anyway, contrary to several reports, Madonna and Alex Rodriguez won't be spending Thanksgiving together. Which just goes to show, most men would prefer to spend a holiday with an ex-wife who's bitter because she was dumped for Madonna and some children whose births were almost missed because their father wanted to go and meet Madonna than actually spend it with Madonna herself. That's got to sting a bit.
Madonna doesn't do Thanksgiving, possibly because someone once confused her with a turkey and tried slicing her bum open. And because of this, Madonna won't be spending this Thanksgiving with rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez. Well, in truth it's because Alex Rodriguez would rather spend Thanksgiving with his children in Florida than with the human equivalent of frozen giblets, but the bum-slicing thing just seemed funnier. But anyway, contrary to several reports, Madonna and Alex Rodriguez won't be spending Thanksgiving together. Which just goes to show, most men would prefer to spend a holiday with an ex-wife who's bitter because she was dumped for Madonna and some children whose births were almost missed because their father wanted to go and meet Madonna than actually spend it with Madonna herself. That's got to sting a bit.
STOP PRESS: Madonna Expresses Recognisable Human Emotion
For a woman who got divorced a few days ago, Madonna has been doing a remarkable job of gritting her teeth and ploughing on. That's not particularly surprising - years ago Madonna had her brain removed to make space for more bicep and her tear ducts were cemented up because she didn't weep holy Kabbalah water - so we've come to expect steely, robotic reactions to everything from her. However, Madonna has now finally decided to accept her divorce and mention it in public for the very first time. Speaking to the Associated Press, Madonna has said how sad she is about the divorce, and how grateful she is that her heavy workload can distract her from it. Wow, sadness and gratitude? We've seen Swept Away and Body Of Evidence - that's literally about six more human emotions than we thought Madonna was capable of.
For a woman who got divorced a few days ago, Madonna has been doing a remarkable job of gritting her teeth and ploughing on. That's not particularly surprising - years ago Madonna had her brain removed to make space for more bicep and her tear ducts were cemented up because she didn't weep holy Kabbalah water - so we've come to expect steely, robotic reactions to everything from her. However, Madonna has now finally decided to accept her divorce and mention it in public for the very first time. Speaking to the Associated Press, Madonna has said how sad she is about the divorce, and how grateful she is that her heavy workload can distract her from it. Wow, sadness and gratitude? We've seen Swept Away and Body Of Evidence - that's literally about six more human emotions than we thought Madonna was capable of.
Madonna Divorces Guy Ritchie, Only Guy Ritchie Seems To Notice
Ladies, form an orderly queue - Guy Ritchie is now a single man. And, come to think of it, Madonna is also now a single man too. Just a few hours ago, Madonna and Guy Ritchie formally finalised their divorce once and for all, putting an end to almost eight years of happy marriage, unhappy marriage, rumoured affairs and possibly the most offensively inaccurate adopted British accent in the history of time itself. While Madonna apparently reacted to news of her divorce by sticking her middle fingers up at her audience during a concert, Guy Ritchie is said to have merely sighed "Thank God." But that's not important now - the important thing is that Madonna won't be involved in any of Guy Ritchie's films any more, which should elevate them to 'merely unwatchable' from their previous status as 'flesh-clawing suicidal thought-inducers'.
Ladies, form an orderly queue - Guy Ritchie is now a single man. And, come to think of it, Madonna is also now a single man too. Just a few hours ago, Madonna and Guy Ritchie formally finalised their divorce once and for all, putting an end to almost eight years of happy marriage, unhappy marriage, rumoured affairs and possibly the most offensively inaccurate adopted British accent in the history of time itself. While Madonna apparently reacted to news of her divorce by sticking her middle fingers up at her audience during a concert, Guy Ritchie is said to have merely sighed "Thank God." But that's not important now - the important thing is that Madonna won't be involved in any of Guy Ritchie's films any more, which should elevate them to 'merely unwatchable' from their previous status as 'flesh-clawing suicidal thought-inducers'.
Madonna/ Ritchie Divorce: The Gristley Nightmare Ends Tomorrow
It's always sad when love ends, except for when it's love between a potato-man and an old lady mostly comprised of cartilage. Then it's quite funny. Which is to say that the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie has been nothing but solid non-stop hilarity from start to finish. So laugh it up while you can, because it looks as though the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie is going to be finalised at the High Court tomorrow. The news comes after the revelation that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have quietly worked out a settlement. That's likely to be kept a secret, but we assume there'll be a fair split in terms of custody and ownership of property, and Madonna will get to keep the leotards. No! Guy Ritchie will keep the leotards! No! Madonna! No! Guy! No! Oh, we don't know which outcome would make us feel queasier.
It's always sad when love ends, except for when it's love between a potato-man and an old lady mostly comprised of cartilage. Then it's quite funny. Which is to say that the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie has been nothing but solid non-stop hilarity from start to finish. So laugh it up while you can, because it looks as though the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie is going to be finalised at the High Court tomorrow. The news comes after the revelation that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have quietly worked out a settlement. That's likely to be kept a secret, but we assume there'll be a fair split in terms of custody and ownership of property, and Madonna will get to keep the leotards. No! Guy Ritchie will keep the leotards! No! Madonna! No! Guy! No! Oh, we don't know which outcome would make us feel queasier.
Britney Spears & Justin Timberlake Avoid Each Other Like Mental
Last night, just about the biggest thing in the world happened - Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake reunited for Madonna. It. Was. Incredible. In front a crowd of thousands at Madonna's Dodger Stadium concert, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake not only performed onstage together but - after three seconds in each other's company - fell hopelessly in love again, instantly curing Britney of all her mental problems in the process. Or Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake both avoided each other as much as humanly possible backstage, crawled onstage separately for one brief duet with Madonna each and then hightailed out of the stadium the moment they were done so they wouldn't have to spend a second longer in the vicinity of each other than they had to. Still, anything that takes people's minds off Madonna's grotty undercrackers, eh?
Last night, just about the biggest thing in the world happened - Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake reunited for Madonna. It. Was. Incredible. In front a crowd of thousands at Madonna's Dodger Stadium concert, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake not only performed onstage together but - after three seconds in each other's company - fell hopelessly in love again, instantly curing Britney of all her mental problems in the process. Or Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake both avoided each other as much as humanly possible backstage, crawled onstage separately for one brief duet with Madonna each and then hightailed out of the stadium the moment they were done so they wouldn't have to spend a second longer in the vicinity of each other than they had to. Still, anything that takes people's minds off Madonna's grotty undercrackers, eh?
Madonna/ Britney/ Timberlake Queasy Threeway – Tonight
If you're a fan of awkward sexually-charged small-talk, you could do a lot worse than getting to Madonna's concert in Los Angeles tonight. Why? Because Madonna plans to have two very special guests performing with her - Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. If Madonna pulls it off, it has the potential to be the messiest reunion in history - don't forget that all three of them have had their tongue inside Britney Spears' mouth at one point or another, with the possible exception of Britney Spears. If you ask us, this reeks of publicity stunt. And not even a good one - if Madonna really wanted people to go to her show tonight she wouldn't just stop at Justin Timberlake - she'd hire everyone Britney Spears has ever slept with. Britney and Justin? Pah. Britney and Justin and Kevin Federline and Adnan Ghalib and that guy Britney married for like half an hour? All voguing like their lives depended on it? Now we're talking.
If you're a fan of awkward sexually-charged small-talk, you could do a lot worse than getting to Madonna's concert in Los Angeles tonight. Why? Because Madonna plans to have two very special guests performing with her - Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. If Madonna pulls it off, it has the potential to be the messiest reunion in history - don't forget that all three of them have had their tongue inside Britney Spears' mouth at one point or another, with the possible exception of Britney Spears. If you ask us, this reeks of publicity stunt. And not even a good one - if Madonna really wanted people to go to her show tonight she wouldn't just stop at Justin Timberlake - she'd hire everyone Britney Spears has ever slept with. Britney and Justin? Pah. Britney and Justin and Kevin Federline and Adnan Ghalib and that guy Britney married for like half an hour? All voguing like their lives depended on it? Now we're talking.
