Nigella Lawson and her husband share a wealth of about £110 million, but her kids can piss off if they think they're seeing any of it.

In a recent interview, Nigella Lawson has stated that she's refusing to leave her children any money in her will, because she thinks that rich kids are arseholes and that not earning money "ruins people."

Nigella Lawson married a man worth £100 million and lives in his £7 million Belgravia mansion. And her dad used to be Chancellor Of The Exchequer. We're just saying.

So Britney Spears heeded the warning to go to court for her custody hearing yesterday - she just didn't heed the part about actually going into the courtroom itself.

After being strongly advised that the only way she wouldn't lose her kids was to attend yesterday's custody hearing, it's been reported that Britney Spears turned up to court four hours late, circled the building a few times and went home, rubberstamping the loss of her children for the next month in the process.

But never mind Britney Spears - where does her semi-appearance leave our 'arse out' promise from yesterday? One cheek? Do you get one cheek? We're so confused.

Thought that Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister getting knocked up was as bad as it got for the family? Not even close - Britney Spears now apparently thinks her two baby sons have been taking drugs.

Well, sort of - Britney Spears has decided to turn on the attack in her child custody battle with Kevin Federline by apparently claiming that he smokes pot in front of Sean Preston and Jayden James, and that as a result they're breathing in all his second-hand drug-smoke. It's thought that Britney Spears was alerted to this possibility by the way that her kids sitting around staring into space and giggling all day. However this might not mean that the Federline-Spears kids are stoned - it might just mean that they're either a) children or b) genetically very stupid. Really, the truth is that it could be any of these things.

As Christmas is the time of goodwill to all men, it's only right that Kevin Federline and Britney Spears should put their custody differences behind them and choose to equally split the amount of time they neglect their kids on Christmas day.

In a rare gesture of kindness to his long-suffering ex-wife, Kevin Federline has allowed Britney Spears to spend Christmas morning with her two young children Sean Preston and Jayden James. This news will be a real shot in the arm for Britney Spears' morale, because now she gets to continue some of the festive traditions that the kids have already got used to - like the one where Santa comes down the chimney with his vagina hanging out, barfs up in the kitchen, shoves a handful of Cheetos into his face, absent-mindedly stubs out a cigarette on some tinsel and saunters off without leaving any presents.

Plus it means that the court-appointed custody monitor gets to see Britney Spears on Christmas day instead of her own family. Yay!

Cars are dangerous things as far as Britney Spears is concerned - if she's not getting out of them vagina-first in front of every single camera on earth, then she's driving around erratically in them with her kids inside.

And while the former goes woefully unpunished, the latter at least has seen Britney Spears get banned from driving a car while her children are onboard. A judge hit Britney Spears with the ban on Friday after video emerged of her running a red light on a busy Los Angeles interchange, but Britney is damned if she's going to take this news sitting down - we've heard that she's ready to exploit the wide open 'car-only' loophole in the ban by transporting her two sons around town in a succession of tanks, saddled grizzly bears, fireballs and robot pterodactyls made from shards of broken syringe-glass from now on.

Britney Spears was supposed to regain custody of her kids yesterday, but it seems that evil Kevin Federline managed to stay one step ahead of Britney by pulling cruel tricks like communicating with the children sometimes, the wily git.

The judge in the Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline custody bitchfight has ruled not to allow Britney Spears custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James just yet. It's all thanks to a report by Britney's parenting coach, who worries that Britney Spears doesn't ever talk to, or play with, her young sons and lacks the routine that children crave. But rather than banning her from seeing the kids, the judge is allowing Britney Spears to see them twice a week until the next hearing. The rest of their time will be spent with Kevin Federline, who does have a strict routine with the children.

True, the routine mainly includes listening to Popozao, counting his divorce settlement cash and ordering his infant children to make him cups of tea, but it's still a routine.