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kids

Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee – Together At Last! Again. Again. Again.

by Ian Dransfield

Pamela Anderson seems to wish she could return to the past – to a time before hepatitis, miscarriage, divorce, Rick Salomon and definitely, definitely before Kid Rock. The whole world wants to return to that particular time. But the particular time she seems to want to return to is the one where a drummer from [...]

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Charlie Sheen To Denise Richards: Blah Blah Blah, Something About Money

by Stuart Heritage

If you’ve seen Denise Richards on TV defending her decision to whore out her kids on a reality show, you’ll know that she is right and Charlie Sheen is wrong.

But get this – now Charlie Sheen is saying that he’s right and Denise Richards is wrong! That’s crazy – it’s like everything we know is a lie! Or it’s like Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are a couple of uttershitbaskets who can’t stop bickering in public even though it’ll obviously be detrimental to their childrens’ development.

Anyway Denise Richards has been saying that she only made her reality TV show because she hasn’t got any money, and Charlie Sheen has hit back saying that actually he gives her loads of money. Not all of it, though – he needs the rest of it for his whore fund. That’s if he has a whore fund, obviously. Legally we wouldn’t like to speculate.

If you've seen Denise Richards on TV defending her decision to whore out her kids on a reality show, you'll know that she is right and Charlie Sheen is wrong. But get this - now Charlie Sheen is saying that he's right and Denise Richards is wrong! That's crazy - it's like everything we know is a lie! Or it's like Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are a couple of uttershitbaskets who can't stop bickering in public even though it'll obviously be detrimental to their childrens' development. Anyway Denise Richards has been saying that she only made her reality TV show because she hasn't got any money, and Charlie Sheen has hit back saying that actually he gives her loads of money. Not all of it, though - he needs the rest of it for his whore fund. That's if he has a whore fund, obviously. Legally we wouldn't like to speculate.
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Britney Spears’ Kids To Be Spooked Out By Mummy Some More

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears’ court hearing yesterday was a success, although these days any period of time where Britney doesn’t cry or wave her fanny around like a football rattle technically counts as a success.

But this was a success. An actual success. The court commissioner has increased Britney Spears’ child visitation rights, you see.

Three cheers for Britney Spears! If only there were more heartwarming stories about women too mentally unwell to care for their own children except for occasional strictly court-imposed appointments in the presence of a psychologist and an external child safety monitor, maybe the world would be a better place.

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Britney Spears & Kevin Federline In Court All Over Again

by Stuart Heritage

Back in olden times, when you could mock Britney Spears without feeling like a bastard afterwards, Britney used to be in court a lot.

And that was mostly to do with whether she or Kevin Federline should be able to look after her kids. And guess what – there’s a custody rematch scheduled for today!

It’s so exciting – Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent so long out of court that they’ll probably be straining at the leash to tear into each other for control of their kids once they get inside. Without a doubt, this is the most eagerly anticipated 30-second court hearing to quickly decide that Britney Spears is still too unwell to look after her children for, ooh, like a month or something.

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Geri Halliwell’s New Book Lets Her Babble On Endlessly For Once

by Stuart Heritage

Since that Austrian house of horrors incest sex dungeon was found, parents everywhere have questioned their own parenting standards.

Which is a shame for Geri Halliwell, because her new children’s book is being released today, and reading a Geri Halliwell book to a child is only a couple of notches down from locking them in a cellar for 24 years and getting them pregnant against their will.

We’re joking, of course – Geri Halliwell’s book is just a bit of harmless fun. It doesn’t compare at all. But Geri Halliwell promoting the book by banging on and on and on and on about herself forever? We don’t know about you, but actually that does feel like being raped by your father in an incest dungeon in Austria.

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Ray Charles’ Kids & Manager Literally Fight Over His Dead Body

by Stuart Heritage

Bitter, distasteful fights about a dead celebrity’s possessions tend to take place while the dead celebrity is still warm.

So we have nothing but respect for the family and former manager of Ray Charles, who managed to remain peaceful and amicable until he was long-dead, completely cold and probably quite rotten, and then they started having bitter, distasteful fights about his possessions.

Ray Charles’ 12 children have accused manager Joe Adams of tarnishing their father’s memory by releasing two Ray Charles albums posthumously that Ray would have never approved. We’re not so sure about that – Ray Charles Sings The Hits Of Emma Bunton and Ray Charles Mumbles To Himself About His Slippers have always been long-time favourites of ours.

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Britney Spears Dancing With Those Children Again

by Stuart Heritage

Although she’s doing a pretty good job of being a pop star and all-around positive role-model, Britney Spears might be looking ahead to a far-off future when things aren’t as peachy for her.

That’s why Britney Spears has scored herself a quiet little job on the side. But what job could you really give someone who, just a few weeks ago, was deemed to be too mentally ill to dress or feed herself?

Why, a children’s dance instructor, of course. Britney Spears is now a genuine dance instructor at the Millennium Dance Complex in Hollywood and is using her considerable dance experience to teach a group of 15 five-year-olds everything she knows. In fact, next week Britney Spears has even asked Madonna to stop by and jab her ancient tongue into each and every one of those adorable infant mouths. It’s heartwarming.

Although she's doing a pretty good job of being a pop star and all-around positive role-model, Britney Spears might be looking ahead to a far-off future when things aren't as peachy for her. That's why Britney Spears has scored herself a quiet little job on the side. But what job could you really give someone who, just a few weeks ago, was deemed to be too mentally ill to dress or feed herself? Why, a children's dance instructor, of course. Britney Spears is now a genuine dance instructor at the Millennium Dance Complex in Hollywood and is using her considerable dance experience to teach a group of 15 five-year-olds everything she knows. In fact, next week Britney Spears has even asked Madonna to stop by and jab her ancient tongue into each and every one of those adorable infant mouths. It's heartwarming.
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Britney Spears Spends Even More Time With Her Kids

by Stuart Heritage

The bond between a mother and her children is incredibly strong – how else will the kids learn how to forget to put knickers on and have distressing roadside breakdowns in front of the world’s media?

That’s why it’s so important that Britney Spears gets to see her two children. And that’s what she’s done – after seeing the kids for the first time in two months on Saturday, Britney Spears got to spend time with the children again yesterday.

That’s wonderful news – not only will time with her children speed Britney Spears’ recovery, but everyone knows that there’s no happier time than when two innocent children get to spend quality time with their mentally unwell mother, her father, a court-appointed monitor, a psychologist, a lawyer and one of their father’s bodyguards. It’ll make quite the Christmas card come December.

The bond between a mother and her children is incredibly strong - how else will the kids learn how to forget to put knickers on and have distressing roadside breakdowns in front of the world's media? That's why it's so important that Britney Spears gets to see her two children. And that's what she's done - after seeing the kids for the first time in two months on Saturday, Britney Spears got to spend time with the children again yesterday. That's wonderful news - not only will time with her children speed Britney Spears' recovery, but everyone knows that there's no happier time than when two innocent children get to spend quality time with their mentally unwell mother, her father, a court-appointed monitor, a psychologist, a lawyer and one of their father's bodyguards. It'll make quite the Christmas card come December.
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Britney Spears Finally Gets To See Her Kids

by Stuart Heritage

Quite often at family weddings, a slightly dotty old lady will come up to you and marvel at how much you’ve grown even though you haven’t got the foggiest who she is.

This weekend, that situation happened to Sean Preston Federline and Jayden James Federline. Except the dotty old lady in question was Britney Spears. Their mother Britney Spears.

That’s right – after almost two months of rejection, Britney Spears finally got to see her kids again on Saturday in an emotional reunion. Emotional for a couple of reasons, of course – Britney Spears was brutally reminded how much she’d lost by behaving so oddly over this last year or so and the kids were just a bit freaked out that there was also a jumpy-looking psychiatrist in the room who flinched every time Britney made a sudden movement.

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Britney Spears Teaches Kids To Be Just Like Her, Only Normaler

by Stuart Heritage

Thanks to her Gravely Disabled classification, we know that Britney Spears was recently unable to feed or dress herself – but boy, can she ever dance!

Britney Spears’ long road back to the straight and narrow inched further on Monday, as Britney became a dance instructor for the afternoon. Apparently Britney Spears taught a group of children aged between four and seven her famous dance moves as part of her rehabilitation.

It was a success, too – not only did Britney Spears receive a hug from each of the children at the end of the dance class, but they’re also now highly proficient at dancing to True Blue by Madonna, Holiday by Madonna and the thousands of cackling witch voices screaming frighteningly inside Britney Spears’ head.

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