Back in olden times, when you could mock Britney Spears without feeling like a bastard afterwards, Britney used to be in court a lot.
And that was mostly to do with whether she or Kevin Federline should be able to look after her kids. And guess what – there’s a custody rematch scheduled for today!
It’s so exciting – Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent so long out of court that they’ll probably be straining at the leash to tear into each other for control of their kids once they get inside. Without a doubt, this is the most eagerly anticipated 30-second court hearing to quickly decide that Britney Spears is still too unwell to look after her children for, ooh, like a month or something.
Having seen Britney Spears on How I Met Your Mother, you’ve probably come to the conclusion that she’s fully recovered from that nasty gravely disabled thing from three months ago. After all, only someone irrefutably sane can make a brief, mediocre sex joke at Doogie Howser after a week of parrot-fashion rehearsals, right?
But that’s where you’re wrong. Although Britney Spears has made some progress since her father took conservatorship of her estate – by now the sight of Britney Spears’ vagina is a distant, though still admittedly nightmare-inducing, memory – she’s still not well enough to have full visitation rights with her children.
It’s not quite as bad as it was – the risk of Britney Spears locking herself in the bathroom with the kids and giving off the vague impression that she might kill one of them has fallen slightly – but as it stands Britney only gets occasional time with her kids, and they’re always in the presence of a court-appointed monitor who’s probably armed with a taser and a net or whatever the modern-day equivalent is.
But today Britney Spears gets to face her ex-husband and current primary guardian of her children Kevin Federline in court for a custody hearing. Could this finally be Britney’s chance to win her children back? Could it?
No, of course it couldn’t. Britney Spears is mental. Weren’t you listening to anything we just said? People reports:
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are both expected to attend a hearing in Los Angeles family court Tuesday for a progress review, sources confirm. Though Spears has spent the last several months keeping a relatively low profile – and staying out of trouble – experts say it’s unlikely the pair’s current custody arrangement will change. “As long as Britney remains under a conservatorship, she has a long way to go before the court views her as a capable mother,” says L.A. family lawyer Scott Weston, who is not involved in the case.
Of course you’re right, family lawyer Scott Weston who is not involved in the case, it’d be ludicrous to imagine that Britney Spears is well enough to look after two young boys if she can’t even look after herself. We never should have doubted you.
But one day maybe Britney Spears will finally get custody of her children, and the sooner it happens the better. Not because we’re emotionally invested in Britney’s mental welfare or anything, but because every day that Sean Preston and Jayden James get looked after by Kevin Federline is another day that daddy teaches them that the seventh letter of the alphabet is pronounced “grundle” and that real love involves making sure his bong water is the right temperature.
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