Since that Austrian house of horrors incest sex dungeon was found, people everywhere have questioned their own parenting standards.
Which is a shame for Geri Halliwell, because her new children’s book is being released today, and reading a Geri Halliwell book to a child is only a couple of notches down from locking them in a cellar for 24 years and getting them pregnant against their will.
We’re joking, of course – Geri Halliwell’s book is just a bit of harmless fun. It doesn’t compare at all. But Geri Halliwell promoting the book by banging on and on and on and on about herself forever? We don’t know about you, but actually that does feel like being raped by your father in an incest dungeon in Austria.
If you ever want to get a measure of how woefully narcissistic a celebrity is, look at the children’s books they write. Check the main character – is it just a slightly idealised version of the author? If it is, you don’t need to be a psychologist to work out that whoever wrote it is a dangerous egotist who lacks the imagination to write about anything other than themselves.
Take Kylie, for example – her book was called The Showgirl Princess, mirroring her Impossible Princess album and Showgirl tour. The book was clearly all about her. Kylie is an idiot. Not like us. Incidentally, be sure to check out our new kid’s book Mecklerfray The Invincible Kisses All The Girls, out soon.
But what about Geri Halliwell? After announcing her kid’s books last year, Geri has had time to work out that modelling the lead character on herself is an act of tremendous vanity that only makes her look like a clueless old spaz-clown, right?
Wrong! Geri’s new books are about a girl called Ugenia Lavender, a girl who just happens to look exactly like Geri Halliwell. Plus, if you look at the Ugenia Lavender website, you’ll notice three things – 1) It doesn’t take a lot of manipulation to make ‘Ugenia’ look like ‘uGERIa’ 2) Geri Halliwell has a photo of herself on the homepage that’s bigger than any of the characters’ faces, and 3) You’ll actually go potty if you listen to the website’s music for more than two seconds.
Still, at least Geri Halliwell wasn’t dumb enough just to base the supporting characters in the Ugenia Lavender books on her celebrity chums, because that’d be a brand new level of smugness that even tiny children could see through, right? Right, BBC News?
Speaking of the other characters in the book that did make it, she said: “There’s a celebrity chef who’s her uncle who’s slightly highly strung, so you could say there’s a little bit of Gordon Ramsay. But then you could say there’s a little bit of George Michael in there. And Victoria [Beckham], there was a Princess Vattoria and she was in the early drafts. She might have a guest appearance. But she read the originals and thought it was cute. It’s quite flattering isn’t it? It’s like the Simpsons, when you have a cameo.”
Oh.
Anyway, even though it’s the most obvious thing in the world to doubt the literary talents of a woman who named her daughter Bluebell Madonna, someone must like her books – a brand new one is being published each month until October. And, deep down, we know that Geri’s Ugenia Lavender books will be a success.
But that’s only because – faced with a choice of Geri Halliwell: children’s author or Geri Halliwell: full-time pop star – most people would happily harvest their internal organs to science for cash in order to personally buy enough books to make sure Geri never sets foot in a recording studio ever again.
Read more:
Stabby McGee says
Oh snap.
liy sugar says
kylie is fab your wrong get over it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!