In the event of a nuclear Armageddon, the only survivors would be cockroaches and Geri Halliwell – and we'd fully expect the cockroaches to try and kill Geri Halliwell after about a week of listening to Geri explain why she still deserves to be famous.
Sadly though, there hasn't been a nuclear Armageddon yet, and so us normal humans have to keep putting up with Geri Halliwell's constant efforts to try and remain at least vaguely in the public eye, including this new one. Publishers Macmillan have signed Geri Halliwell up to write a series of six children's book based on Ugenia Lavender, a spunky girl who sounds a lot like Geri Halliwell. We're just guessing, but we expect that Ugenia Lavender will have a group of girl chums that she'll go on adventures with – a scary one, a posh one, a baby one and a flat-chested one who's a bit of a bitch because she doesn't want the Spice Girls to reform even though Ugenia Lavender really needs the money.
Writing children's books seems to be a handily brainless way for celebrities to fill some time. Trapped in a stabby marriage with a one-legged pig-pointer? Write a children's book like Paul McCartney. Career laid low by breast cancer? Write a children's book like Kylie Minogue? Suddenly realised that you're rubbish and nobody likes you and your songs have been banned and you'll probably never have another hit record as long as you live? Write a children's book like Geri Halliwell. No – write six children's books like Geri Halliwell. E! Online reports:
The former Spice Girl's authorial efforts will follow the adventures of nine-year-old Ugenia Lavender, a spunky, bright English girl who goes to school just like any normal kid but at the same time harbors a talent for solving mysteries and working her way out of sticky situations… "I had put my back out and was stuck on the couch. I have a massive amount of creative energy and love to write. I needed something to channel that energy," Halliwell told Reuters Thursday after inking a six-book deal with Macmillan Children's Books.
Writing the Ugenia Lavender books – to be published in 2008 – will be a nifty way for Geri Halliwell to make some money while she tries to raise her ridiculously-named baby – especially since Geri seems hell-bent on slapping her name, face, voice, DNA and tit outline onto every conceivable piece of Ugenia Lavender spin-off merchandise going.
Geri Halliwell has already called shotgun on doing the narration and character voices for the Ugenia Lavender audiobooks, which – judging by Geri's 10-second cameo on an episode of Sex And The City once – is basically going to sound like a dolphin attempting to form human words even though it doesn't really understand what it's saying. Oh, and Geri Halliwell is also recording the Ugenia Lavender theme-tune and giving it away with the books. That's right – a theme-tune to a book. Sung by Geri Halliwell. We're beginning to think that this whole affair must be some kind of complex loss-making tax-dodge attempt by Macmillan, you know.
But, hey, so long as it keeps Geri Halliwell busy and her daughter free of abuse, who are we to complain that this is just another woefully transparent attempt by Geri to copy everything that Madonna has ever done in a less good way. First the singing career, then the bad acting, now the children's book. At this rate it'll only be a matter of time before Geri adopts a little boy from Macclesfield and then crucifies herself .
Obviously we're happy to help with that last bit.