Gwyneth Paltrow has a tedious life. She’s married to Chris Martin from Coldplay for a kick-off. As such, she’s taken to standing in pharmacies in England and getting so excited that she could potentially soil herself.
No, we’re not twisting her words. She actually gets excited by chemists.
So is she getting in a tizz over those lollipops you can buy that act like slide whistles? Or does she like standing on those big old-fashioned scales by the front door? Not a chance. Remember, we’re dealing with a bore here.
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Rehashing old films is the order of the day in Hollywood currently. 3D rereleases of old tat and revamps of 80s TV series, boardgames and movies are rampant. With Total Recall getting remade without Arnie, what can he do with his time?
Well, when he’s not constantly saying sorry for shagging his maid and having a secret child with her, he’s obviously looked toward the comedic roles that were terrible in a non-ironic enjoyment way.
And so, in what is one of the most peculiar news stories of 2012, it appears that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito will be revisiting their Twins film, bringing along Eddie Murphy to make the sequel, Triplets. No. The milkman didn’t spike you this morning.
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After getting in trouble with her mental dad, God, drugs, the law and a jewellers, Lindsay Lohan has been doing her darnedest to get back into everyone’s good books. Then she nearly ran someone over in her Porsche.
At some point in all this, she thought she’d have a crack at comedy, appearing on Saturday Night Live. However, she got a royal kicking there, which surely left her weighing up a drink and drugs binge. Why bother getting good if you’re just going to get slapped around?
Well, in what could potentially be Last Chance Saloon for LiLo, she’s going to try and put her SNL fiasco behind her and appear on Glee. As herself. Does that mean shagging pornstars and crying onto an ankle tag? God we hope so.
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She was made famous by a series of awful Aerosmith videos before starring in a terrible Batman film. Apart from that, Alicia Silverstone hasn’t done a great deal. Until now that is! Now, she’s all about regurgitating her food and spitting it into her child’s mouth!
That’s right. Alicia is like some kind of seabird, honking up pre-chewed food into the gob of her hatchling.
Honestly. You may think this is hecklerspray’s imagination running away with itself, but this is precisely how Silverstone feeds her 11-month-old son, Bear Blu. Yes, her child is called Bear Blu.
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Lindsay Lohan’s father, Michael, looks like a massive lunatic from where we’re sat. And we’re in no position to judge. That’s how wretchedly awful he seems. And he’s saying that LiLo should forget the judge, because it’s God who will want to kick her ass.
Michael wants to make sure she’s made things right with God, or else!
Of course, the neat thing here is that God doesn’t exist, meaning that Lindsay can sin and sin and sin, which is great for plebs like us who like to write about her and suppress our sexual feelings toward her.
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Lindsay Lohan is once again gracing our pages, this time, apparently having it off with a porn star. And the best thing about it is that she is supposed to have taken wang while her father slept in a room upstairs.
And the man who claims he put the tip into LiLo is someone we’ve covered before on these pages.
Do you remember Alex Torres, who goes by the screen name Voodoo? Well, he’s the bloke who made a skydiving bongo flick. That’s right. Its the guy who grimaced unconvincingly into a woman while hurtling through the sky. He’s ‘done’ Lohan as well. Possibly for money.
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It must be terrible being Gwyneth Paltrow. Not only is your own singing career as dubious as your husband’s, but you’re also a lousy actress and pious cook. It’s like Linda McCartney never died at all.
Looking at the cookbook, Paltrow has been accused of not exactly writing it herself.
Not that anyone on this godforsaken planet actually cares one iota. Apart from Gwyneth herself of course, and a handful of sadsacks who follow the Martin-Paltrows moves to compensate for a lack of beige in their lives.
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Pitbull’s fame, like David Guetta’s, is absolutely mystifying. They’ve featured on every single record made in the past three years and continued to be powerful movers-and-shakers, despite an obvious absence of talent or charisma. There can be only one logical explanation for their influence.
They clearly own TMZ and have so much dirt on the celebrity world that anyone who refuses their collaborations will be met with the most scurrilous rumours in print and leaked nude photographs.
One person who is about to be ruined is Lindsay Lohan who has decided to take Pitbull on, quite possibly, in a court of law.
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