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Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow To Butcher Sound Itself At Country Music Awards

by Mof Gimmers

Actors, for the most part, shouldn’t ever be encouraged to sing. Think about the characterless renditions heard in Walk The Line. Have you even heard Bill Shatner singing ‘Mr Tambourine Man’? Have you?! Well, the next thesp to make you wish humans had never evolved ears is Gwyneth Paltrow who is threatening to sing at [...]

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Gwyneth Paltrow Will Star in Two Laugh-Free Glee Episodes

by Amy Grindhouse

Gwyneth Paltrow will stop fannying about with her silly GOOP website for five minutes to hang with the kids. Not her own kids, you silly bugger – the 25-year-olds playing school children on Glee. To be clear, that’s not Glee spelt with an ‘L’. It’s spelt with some one’s hands cunningly fashioned into an ‘L’ [...]

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Gwyneth Paltrow Wants You To Know That She’s An Awful Person

by Stuart Heritage

Great news everyone! Iron Man 2 comes out soon! Imagine all the glitzy no-expense-spared promotion we’re in for!

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New Iron Man 2 Trailer – Decoded!

by Stuart Heritage

Iron Man 2 is one of 2010′s biggest films – because what do people like more than beardy, middle-aged punching robots?

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Top Ten TV Breakdowns!

by Steve Charnock

The sixties were all about ‘Free love’. The seventies was the age of great movie-making and music. The eighties was epitomised by consumerism and the 1990’s had er, the Tamagotchi. Every decade becomes synonymous with a particular movement, fashion or mood. As such, the 2010’s (or ‘Teens’ as it’s known to total idiots) will henceforth [...]

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Blame Gwyneth Paltrow For Scarlett Johansson’s Weight Loss

by Amy Grindhouse

Scarlett Johansson wants you to know that she don’t need no steenkin’ bosoms, or no steenkin’ bottom. The actress, once famed for her Marilyn Monroe-like curves, has recently slimmed down and is a shadow of her former self. Rather than take the well-trodden path of just wearing spectacles or living in her gym clothes, when she wants to make [...]

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Gwyneth Paltrow Whines About Her Poxy Website

by Stuart Heritage

Gwyneth Paltrow has a long history with the word ‘goop’ – it’s the noise her macrobiotic meals make as they get served onto a plate, for example.

Plus, spelt backwards ‘goop’ becomes Poog – which is both a rare digestive disorder where you eat too much macrobiotic food and your poo turns into porridge and the prospective name of Gwyneth Paltrow’s third child. But we digress.

Goop is also the name of Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, which is primarily notable for the fact that everyone thinks it’s a bunch of poncey toss. As you can imagine, GwynethPaltrow hasn’t responded well to this.

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Director Takes Blame For Joaquin Phoenix’s Unravelling Mind

by Stuart Heritage

If you’re looking for a cause for Joaquin Phoenix’s erratic behaviour – other than Joaquin Phoenix’s innate dickery – then you could be in luck.

That’s because James Gray – the director of Joaquin Phoenix’s new film – says that he feels responsible for Joaquin Phoenix quitting acting, growing a beard like a French lady’s armpit, becoming a rapper and having a completely cuckoo loopy meltdown.

We’re still not convinced that Joaquin Phoenix isn’t hoaxing everyone, but James Gray makes a convincing point – if you spent six months staring at Gwyneth Paltrow’s bare breasts, you’d be lucky to escape with all your marbles, too.

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Is Gwyneth Paltrow Schtupping A Billionaire? Would You Even Care?

by Stuart Heritage

Some advance warning: Coldplay, the dreariest band in the entire world, might be about to get considerably drearier.

And it’s all Gwyneth Paltrow’s fault. Tucked away at the bottom of a New York Daily News article about how many molecules of mashed potato she briefly considered touching with her tongue yesterday – or whatever – came the news that Gwyneth Paltrow’s marriage to Chris Martin is ‘on a break’ and that she’s spending a lot of time with an American real estate billionaire named Jeff Soffer.

Great. Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow will end up divorcing Chris Martin and shack up with this Jeff Soffer chap instead. Let’s hope so because, judging by all the insipid cock she’s inspired her husband to write over the years, it’d mean that Gwyneth Paltrow would the impetus for some of the most cluelessly vapid architectural designs ever seen by mankid. Or a swimming pool shaped like a concerned face, at the very least.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Stands Side By Scrawny Side With Madonna

by Stuart Heritage

As normally-functioning human beings, you’ve probably already picked a side in the impending Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce.

And we’re sure it was a hard decision to make – not least because given the choice of siding with an obnoxiously laddy potato-faced oaf like Guy Ritchie or his screechy, uncomfortably religious elderly man of an estranged wife, most normal people would just take the easy route out and throw themselves under a train.

But that’s not a problem that Gwyneth Paltrow has had to face – she’s stepped up to the plate and declared that she’s firmly on Madonna’s side when it comes to the divorce. This, we suspect, is partly because of the great friendship shared by Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, and partly because she’s scared of Madonna chokeslamming her through a brick wall. She could, you know. Look at those arms.

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