Divorce is never easy, but I’ll take a stab in the dark here and guess that divorcing Gwyneth Paltrow is slightly easier than average.
Sorry, it’s not a divorce, it’s a ‘conscious uncoupling’. Not having to put up with phrases like that is probably just the beginning of the vast silver lining of the grey storm cloud that is life with the inventor of GOOP. Let’s not kid ourselves that Chris Martin is anything close to an Average Joe, but we can at least have fun imagining the look of pure joy on his face as he eats his first Big Mac in 11 years.
1. Eat cheese from a tin
Gwyneth told Jonathon Ross that she would “rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin”. I’ve never actually tried cheese from a tin, but I’m betting it goes better on toast than crack would. Then again, I’ve never tried crack either. There’s something else Chris Martin can do now!
2. Go to Paris without the hotel staff spitting in his food
“When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some restaurant because they get a kickback,
it’s like, ‘No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris?’
You just can’t get the staff these days. This barely even qualifies as a First World Problem, so let’s just say that Gwyneth revealed the ultimate Millionaire Hippy Problem in an interview with Elle in 2011. I’d also suggest that if looking for a decent bikini wax, restaurants would be the last place to begin looking.
3. Feel emotions
For such a notoriously miserable bastard, there are no photos of Chris Martin actually crying. You’ll have to make do with some Coldplay lyrics instead.
Anyway, this may legitimately be one of the worst things anyone has ever said, let alone Gwyneth Paltrow. It’s dangerously close to sounding like an article from The Onion.
“I find the English amazing how they got over 7/7. There were no multiple memorials with people sobbing as they would have been in America.There, they are constantly scaring people but at the same time, people think nothing of going to see a therapist.”
We’re flattered that you admire how apparently cold-hearted we are, Gwyneth, but did you really just look down on an entire country for shedding a tear over a terrorist attack? We can ship you back off to the US whenever we want. We call it ‘Operation Madonna’.
4. Feed his kids a Cup-A-Soup
Surprise surprise, Little Miss Organic-Fairtrade-Home-Grown-Macrobiotic won’t let her offspring eat anything that involves a kettle and a sachet. Not to worry though, they’ll soon catch up when they grow up and start living the student life. Chicken Super Noodles on toast beats zucchini friccasee anyday.
5. Shop at Primark
As opposed to lounging around the house in $290 sweat pants from GOOP’s very own line. To match the $90 plain white t-shirt, of course. Nobody wants to slob out in clothes that cost more than the average family’s weekly food bill.
Enjoy your new found freedom, Chris. Maybe look in to dating someone new? Lindsay Lohan would be a nice change of pace.