Gwyneth Paltrow’s?obscene perfection is?constantly thrust in our faces: her face is amazing; you could bounce a quarter off her ass; her husband is a rock god; she can act and cook and raise clever, bilingual children; all while maintaining an apparently?healthy relationship with her mother. In the eyes of most people, any one of those things?equates to immediate zen perfection.
Of course,?Gwyneth’s loveliness, when?combined with?her casual pretentiousness, is extremely and consistently off-putting. I, for one, would happily punch her right in that symmetrical nose purely out of jealous spite. It’s important to remember, though,?that underneath?all the flawless glamour, she’s pretty flat-chested. And that’s something, right?
In the last 24 hours, the Internet has erupted into?a major tizzy, because, in the trailer for her new film “Thank You For Sharing,” Gwynnie struts around in some sexy lace?undies, complete with garters, in an attempt to seduce her sex addict boyfriend. Now, presumably, it’s not that hard to?seduce a sex addict, but, as usual,?you’re missing?the point.
That point is that?this chick evokes such a visceral response from people. If you skip past the gorgeous face, Gwyneth is basically the anti-Kim Kardashian: tall, blonde, slim,?flat as a board, talented, and at least moderately intelligent. Some love her; some hate her. None of us actually know her. But we feel something for her, nonetheless. She’s the “Most Beautiful” and “Most Hated.” What a bunch of shallow dicks we are.
I’ll reiterate that I’m 100% aware that my personal opinion of Gwyneth is primarily rooted in jealousy. My bone structure is a disaster and Steven Spielberg isn’t my godfather. (I do, however,?whole-heartedly support labeling Gwyneth as sexy, since?I'do feel a certain camaraderie as a fellow scrawny, flat-chested, bottle blonde … thereby further complicating my opinion of her.)
A few months ago, Gwyneth told the media that she works out for two hours a day, which is ridiculous. No regular person can sustain that. Or should, quite frankly.
?It's why I exercise for two hours every day ? because I want to enjoy my life and I love pasta. Like last night I came home and had a fresh baguette and cheese. And a martini. I don't believe in depriving yourself.?
I’m whole-heartedly on board with?martinis and baguettes and cheese, but I’ll be fucked if I’m going to exercise for two hours a day to make up for it. If I can squeeze in two hours of exercise a week, I feel pretty healthy. And perhaps, ladies and gentlemen, that simple admission … that she works out two hours a day to get that ass that you see right there … is?indicative of why it’s necessary to keep celebrities in perspective.
ladytron2000 says
Perfection??? In what world? She’s skinny, more like scrawny, flabby, odd shaped AND flat chested. She looks in the immortal words of Guy Richie like a piece of gristle. Add this hideous body to her even lovelier personality & you certainly got yourself a winner! (Sorry, can no longer type because I can’t see, my eyes just rolled out of my head. But I suppose I should be grateful as I’ll never have to gaze upon this monstrosity ever again.)
SteveL says
She is delightful, an elegant reminder that with a little brains and class a woman can remain very sexy without fake breasts for a long time. I do find comfort not knowing or caring whom might be her boyfriend. But in all earnest must I endure another Mark Ruffalo film?
Truth says
Who isn’t into skinny, flat chested chicks?
She’s gorgeous.
CheddarPants says
I’d hit it.