The argument can be made that any celebrity is the worst. I don’t mean the worst actor or the worst performer or the worst dancer, I mean the worst as a generality. Someone you look at and go ?seeing you takes a few days off my lifespan because of how angry I am you exist.? Everybody has their own personal choice, but I’m here to tell you that there really is only one option here, and her name is Gwyneth Paltrow.
Why is she so god damn bad you ask? Three words; the social contract.
The social contract is the inherent unspoken rule that everyone abides by to keep the very fabric of our society from collapsing. Society is pretty much Tinkerbell ? if people stopped believing in it, it would stop existing. Laws only exist because everyone believes they do, money only has value because everyone believes it does. Everything from credit scores to the stock market only exist because the people participating in society kind of just goes ?yeah, sure, that is a thing.? Nothing is more indicative of this than celebrity.
See, celebrities are different from us common folks. Vastly different. They have multiple houses in exotic areas, most of us live with our parents in the suburbs. They have millions of dollars and royalties, we have overdraft fees and student loan payments. They are surrounded constantly by beautiful people, we go to Walmart. Yet, despite that, we still pay money to see these people do the things they do, and we talk about them or follow them on Twitter, or otherwise act like they are special so that they can keep doing things we pay for. In exchange for our money and attention, the social contract says we are owed three things ? entertainment, value, and respect.
Entertainment is obvious. Value just means we shouldn’t be wasting our pennies if we are paying for entertainment, because if the value stops being there we are just going to find other ways to get our hands on it. Just ask the vampires in the music industry about that one. Respect is the part where things get hairy, and it is the part of the contract that Gwyneth Paltrow breaks, resulting in her being an insufferable she-beast.
We all know we are different from celebrities, but we don’t want to be reminded about it. We want celebrities to be humble, not flaunt their connections or their wealth. We want them to remember that the only reason they are ?special? is because we ? and the social contract ? allow them to be. Every celebrity is always a handful of bad decisions away from being on ?I Love the 80s.? Gwyneth Paltrow has absolutely no concept of this, and more than any celebrity, makes it painfully obvious that she either considers herself vastly superior to the people that allow her existence, or is so out of touch with reality that somebody needs to replace her with Billy Ray Valentine and make her eat out of a dumpster until she shuts the fuck up about her six hundred dollar doilies.
If you really need an example at just how badly she breaks the ?don’t act like a pretentious, privileged, unnecessarily wealthy bourgeois dick to the people who pay ten bucks to watch a twenty foot tall you mumble for an hour and a half? you need look no further than the ?lifestyle and advice? website she curates, Goop. If her site was anymore masturbatory she’d have to charge you a monthly fee.
Gwyneth, the regular working mom that she is, still deigns to give us regular folks fantastic advice, like how we all need to run out and buy $90 white t-shirts and?$185 plain black bikinis or relax in $10,000 designer bathtubs. Oh, and if you think that she is dreadful and her website should be classified as incendiary speech for existing during a recession, don’t worry, you just don’t get it. ?I sincerely think if Gwyneth Paltrow were any further up her own ass she would turn inside out.
These are just a handful of the ways she has absolutely shredded the social contract between her and the common public, there are dozens more. Hell, she has been doing this for five years already. Five. Years. I task you, fine reader with finding one statement by her in the last five years that doesn’t make you want to put on a Che Guevara shirt and throw a brick at the nearest guy that even looks like a movie producer. Just the other day she said, and I quote,?”I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup” so good luck with that.
The only solace we have is that when the shit really hits the fan and we are all growing our own food to survive, we can just tell her she is in line for a bowl of gazpacho made from tomatoes perched at the highest point in Spain and tended by a blind monk trained in the art of cold soups to keep her calm while we are all trying to find a French person to translate the assembly instructions for the guillotine. Then again, she might make it out unscathed anyway. MTV’s Cribs should have lasted two weeks before the middle class stormed Xzibit’s mansion like it was the fucking Bastille and that has been on for 17 years.
I’m starting to think we should have all read that social contract better before clicking the “next” button.
miss twitch ell says
I couldn’t agree more.
Gwyneth Paltrow = 50 Shades of Shite.
Why is she still alive and what purpose does she serve on this earth?
derppp says
oh god i forgot all about the “niggas in paris” thing
fuck she is an awful human being, its been what ten years since shakespear in love? just dissapear already
Unknown says
And who are you saying that? That is just rude. Obviously you don’t know her that we’ll and only go by what the gossip is saying about her.
rick says
Gwyneth Paltrow is fucking better than the rest of us. She was born to a better family, she was graced with better genetics and she has experienced far more success than most of us could ever hope to achieve in our dreams. No amount of wishful nonsense about the “social contract” will ever change that. “Social contract”?! Shit, what kind of white, middle class, bullshit is that? You gotta be an entitled prick in the first place to think like that. Take it from me, shit flows downward, and when it flows, it flows over the halfway point just the same as it does the bottom. So spare us all the 99% spiel.
bra says
if you hate her so much why don’t you just ignore her.don’t read goop.pretend that she doesn’t exist and you’d feel much better.i usually don’t read articles like this but i wanted to see why she annoys you so much.the thing is i like Gwyneth Paltrow as an actress and some of her movies but I don’t care about her lifestyle (or anybody else’s) and I don’t read about it, so for me she’s great. oh and all celebrities are rich and like fancy stuff.
GreenWolfe says
WTF are you talking about? You seriously need to examine your life.