What should come as a shock to none of us obsessed with celebrities we don’t actually know, Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have announced that they are officially donezo. 10 years of marriage, 2 kids, and a shit ton of pompousness later, and it’s all over.
And of course, Paltrow couldn’t just give one of the typical “We may be divorcing, but we’re still best friends forever!” statements and be done with it. Nope, instead she just word vomited all over her GOOP site, and is now trying to make the end of a marriage bougie and upper white crust.
Rumors have been swirling for a long time that Chris Martin was over Gwyneth Paltrow and her anti-McDonalds/Fun/Sex ways. I mean, it’s got to be hard being married to a woman with a stick permanently shoved up her rectum at all times. His music may be kind of elevator-y for the most part, but he is a rock star still. Dude has probably got tons of chicks dropping their panties for him, and instead of indulging in that, he decided that getting married to a frigid bitch sounded like way more fun. So really, this is kind of his fault.
There have been a few rumors about Gwyneth cheating too. Some say that the big mysterious take down article that was supposed to run in Vanity Fair was exposing her affairs right alongside letting everyone know for a fact that she is a total fake bitch. Not that that would be very surprising to anyone who has listened to the words that come out of her mouth.
When the two showed up to the Golden Globes a few months ago, they really didn’t give off the “We’re so in love!” vibe. Instead, they did give us a highly amusing GIF that basically summed up how we all feel about Paltrow and GOOP.
Oh yes, that whole “Do I really need to sit next to this bitch?” face is really sweet. THIS IS GOING TO LAST FOREVER!
Two months later….Here comes the pretentious kind of statement you’d expect from this broad when discussing her husband getting tired of her frozen ass. I won’t post it all here, you can totally go put your eyes in danger from over-rolling by going to her GOOP site, but instead of calling it a “divorce” she uses the term “Conscious Uncoupling.’ That is some Martha Stewart white bitch way of saying “Done fucking each other.” Of course, Gwyneth also had to have some “Doctors” write obnoxiously wordy blogs about how conscious uncoupling is the newest best thing instead of divorce, and all the understanding deep people get that. If you don’t, it’s because you are a dirty filthy peon.
“To put in plainly, as divorce rates indicate, human beings haven’t been able to fully adapt to our skyrocketing life expectancy. Our biology and psychology aren’t set up to be with one person for four, five, or six decades. This is not to suggest that there aren’t couples who happily make these milestones—we all hope that we’re one of them. Everyone enters into a marriage with the good intention to go all the way, but this sort of longevity is the exception, rather than the rule. It’s important to remember too, that just because someone is still married doesn’t mean they’re happy or that the relationship is fulfilling. To that end, living happily ever after for the length of a 21st century lifetime should not be the yardstick by which we define a successful intimate relationship: This is an important consideration as we reform the concept of divorce”
People aren’t getting divorced because they are cheating emotionless toolbags, it’s because of science! Even in a time of sadness and heartache, Paltrow manages to still come off like an uppity bitch. That is pretty impressive. Some blogs have taken to revealing a bunch of Blind Gossip Items about an unsexed unhappy dude stepping out on his frigid wife, and a pretentious bitchy broad who is a phony and a liar. Surprise surprise, they are all about Gwynny and Chris!
Everyone needs to be prepared for a bunch of recipes about all natural organic dirt filled shakes to help with heartache and yoga moves to help relieve tension caused by uncoupling from one’s couple. You will never see Gwyneth cry though, because she is too above that type of commoner reaction shit.