Justin Bieber has released a new song called ‘Boyfriend’ and absolutely no-one over the age of 10 who isn’t an outrageous pederast gives two hoots. However, it does give him the chance to talk about things he has little-to-no clue about.
See, some idiot decided to talk to him like he was a fully formed human, despite the fact the top of his head is still soft and he’s got no noticeable fingerprints.
Basically, Justin ‘not a hair on his balls’ Bieber is going to tell you, world weary and experienced, how to be a good boyfriend.
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If we get an opportunity to write about Miley Cyrus, we will. This is not because we find her particularly interesting (although we did like it when she was caught on video with a massive bong), but rather, we love the picture we use when we write about her.
Just look at it.
Either way, there’s news about her which we’ll be tiringly off-hand about over the jump if you like that sort of thing. Warning: Involves a ring.
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Imagine for a moment, waking up in a bed, having willingly had sex with Jersey Shore star, Snooki. Once you’d scraped off 8 gallons of fake-tan residue off your stomach, you’d then need to start scrubbing the shame off yourself with wire-wool.
Only then can you start thinking about the fact you rogered Snooks without a condom on and that she was starting the process of harvesting a symbiotic thing inside her orange abdomen.
And then you see the engagement ring on her finger. You bought it for her. You remember proposing. You start to reevaluate your life and give in to that crippling tide of gloom that rises from your weakened knees, all the way into your nauseated stomach. Somewhere, all this translates into a single, solitary tear on your cheek. The world, it seems, is a cruel and unforgiving place and you’re stuck like Sysiphus.
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Fame does strange things to people. Over the years, we’ve heard diva like demands from people requiring their dressing room to be painted blue, the ingredients in a salad sliced a certain way or that no other DJ play the same record as them.
But whilst famous folk realise that any freakish behaviour will kill their career early, they can count on the fans to support them through thick and sometimes eating disorder thin. Chris Brown can count on Team Breezy to endorse his domestic abuse and phone pinching antics whilst Michael Jackson mentalists have long given us a continual source of comedy gold.
Justin Bieber also has his own hardcore following. Known to the world as Beliebers, they will defend him to the end and lap up anything with his name on. Those who despise Bieber often wish he hadn’t been conceived due to his annoying nation, but how about congratulating the mother herself that she didn’t do such a thing? One Belieber amazingly did this.
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Think about Drew Barrymore. What do you see in your mind’s eye? Is it a precocious child actor with a slight lisp? Is it grunge-approved 90s Drew with her Doc Martens and sociable boobs? Is it elder-stateswoman of Hollywood with a penchant for bad romcoms?
Doesn’t matter what you think because all that is about to be swept under the rug under the pretense of I’m A Woman And The Role I Was Born To Do Was Motherhood.
That’s right! Apparently, Drew has a baby growing inside her which means that all her achievements and goals will now be flung under the nearest bus in favour of flooding her Facebook wall with pictures of a crapping infant, like it’s the first bald dung-machine that has ever existed!
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Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have gone and got their tiny selves engaged for Valentine’s Day! Selena was spotted out and about with an expensive diamond ring on, bought by the pint-sized superstar.
Allegedly of course.
The ring itself featured the letter ‘J’ in precious stones, which is obviously a J for Justin, which is not only a constant reminder for Selena of who her boyfriend is, but also, like a farmer branding a cow so everyone knows who it belongs to.
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Runaway bride Simon Cowell has broken off another relationship, this time to his makeup artist Mezhgan Husaiany.
“It’s quite a complicated relationship. We have had a break from each other, and we are still incredibly close,” Cowell told The Sunday Mirror. “I’m vulnerable. It’s not on, it’s not off, it’s somewhere in the middle. I don’t know if I will ever get married, but I am happy.”
You know how painful it is when you drop an M&M and it rolls under the sofa, and is juuussstttttt out of your reach? Welcome to Mezghan Husaiany’s life.
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Wonderful news folks! Mario Lopez is getting married! We’re thrilled to bits. You see, we like the chap who played A.C. Slater so much that we turned a boring news article about Coheed & Cambria into a brief history of Mario Lopez.
He really is a very, very splendid man.
And now the Saved By The Beller is all grown-up and getting hitched to, quite possibly, the luckiest woman who ever lived. And something must be in the air because only a few months ago, Zack Morris (aka Mark-Paul Gosselaar) got engaged and… well… Skreech is still trying to live down his sex tape.
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