Don’t panic if you hear a sudden rumble of hooves and trumpets , it’s probably just the four horsemen of the apocalypse summoned by George Clooney’s sudden engagement.
It’s funny that his engagement is going to cause our imminent death, because it’s probably the reminder of his own mortality that forced him into popping the question in the first place. Gorgeous George has taken a sharp left off Bachelor Avenue just before it merged into Lonely, Bitter Old Man Highway.
There’s only been one game of Hot Potato with higher stakes than this, and that’s whichever bobble-headed blonde is attached to Hugh Hefner’s arm when he finally kicks the bucket. The lucky woman who happened to be with George when his midlife crisis hit is Amal Alamuddin, a very successful British lawyer and former advisor to Kofi Annan. That’s understandable, anyone could get bored of dating endless swimwear models and Hollywood actresses.
It doesn’t mean he still can’t choose smart women that look like swimsuit models, of course. In fact, she topped a list of London’s most beautiful barristers last year. Buzzfeed must be pissed that someone beat them to creating that list.
It was actually the future Mrs Clooney’s law firm that actually spilled the proverbial beans on the couple’s big announcement, releasing a statement congratulating them on their engagement.
George’s mom has also weighed in on her son’s big news, telling the media:
“You can say I’m extremely happy, Amal’s a lovely girl.”
She’s probably just ecstatic that George has finally brought home a girl that doesn’t think the Magna Carta is the signature handbag from Dolce and Gabbana’s spring line. The happy couple have only been together seven months which means if you listen closely you can probably hear Stacey ‘ Two Years’ Kiebler’s screams of frustration as she throws her useless new non-famous husband out of a second storey window.
Anyway, stock up on the bottled water and apologize for your sins while you still can because just George Clooney getting engaged might just trigger the end of the world. If they ever actually get around to tying the knot, we’ll all be cowering under our beds while it rains fire and brimstone outside before you know it. Nice going, Clooney.