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Celebrity fights

Bob Marley Movies Scrap Over Songs

by Stuart Heritage

Bob Marley movies are a lot like buses – you wait hours for one then two come at once, plus if you go on one late at night a creepy drunk man will sit next to you and try to stroke your knee.

We’ve forgotten what our point was now – something about Bob Marley trying to stroke our knee, we think.

No, it’s all coming back now – there are two Bob Marley movies on the way, except that they’re coming out so close together that an almighty scrap has kicked off about who gets to use Bob Marley’s songs. Honestly, they should just flip for it – winner gets Redemption Song, loser gets Craven Choke Puppy. Simple.

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Incredible Hulk: Edward Norton Am Angry

by Stuart Heritage

The trailer for the new Incredible Hulk movie has been released, and what it lacks in destructive abstract wads of emotion it makes up for with SMAAASH!

However, let’s not get too excited about The Incredible Hulk because reports are coming in that Incredible Hulk star Edward Norton and Incredible Hulk studio Marvel are clashing over the final edit, and things are getting so frosty that the movie’s success might be jeopardised by the feud.

We don’t know the details, but given that it’s an Incredible Hulk movie, we hope the winner is the side who wants to do away with dialogue, narrative, female characters and feelings and just have two hours of the Hulk headbutting petrol tankers into fleets of exploding helicopters. And we think we pretty much speak for everyone here.

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Kid Rock Can’t Leave Those Sodding Waffles Alone

by Stuart Heritage

If you were angling for an endorsement deal, what would go for? Cars? Speedboats? Batter-based breakfast delicacies?

Kid Rock seems to have his eye on the last one, because everything he does seems to revolve around waffles. Not content with allegedly smashing up a Waffle House in a fight recently, Kid Rock has now played a benefit show in one.

Waffles, that’s all you ever get from Kid Rock these days. Anyone would think he was a Belgian if it weren’t for his rubbish haircut, funny accent and suspect-looking hygiene practises. Wait a minute, all Belgians have all of those things too – throw in a side-job moonlighting as a motorway service station toilet attendant who won’t let you go for a piss unless you first drop a coin into his grubby polystyrene cup and we’d be convinced that Kid Rock was Belgian through and through.

If you were angling for an endorsement deal, what would go for? Cars? Speedboats? Batter-based breakfast delicacies? Kid Rock seems to have his eye on the last one, because everything he does seems to revolve around waffles. Not content with allegedly smashing up a Waffle House in a fight recently, Kid Rock has now played a benefit show in one. Waffles, that's all you ever get from Kid Rock these days. Anyone would think he was a Belgian if it weren't for his rubbish haircut, funny accent and suspect-looking hygiene practises. Wait a minute, all Belgians have all of those things too - throw in a side-job moonlighting as a motorway service station toilet attendant who won't let you go for a piss unless you first drop a coin into his grubby polystyrene cup and we'd be convinced that Kid Rock was Belgian through and through.
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Finally! George Clooney Reveals Why He Didn’t Beat Up Fabio

by hecklerspray staff

For as much as the world justifiably makes fun of Fabio, not many would perhaps make as much fun to his face.

Two feet behind him sniggering and pointing? Yes. While watching his fake butter commercials from the comfort and safety of our living room? Naturally. But not to his face, because he’s actually a pretty big dude, and if you get beaten up by Fabio you may as well just fasten a plastic bag over your face right tight because you only have a lifetime of crippling humiliation to look forward to.

According to an interview in April’s edition of Esquire magazine, actor George Clooney had somewhat of a similar realisation when he had a nasty encounter with Fabio in a restaurant. Well, it’s about figgin’ time he spoke up about an incident that was barely an incident and everyone had forgotten about. Yeesh!

For as much as the world justifiably makes fun of Fabio, not many would perhaps make as much fun to his face. Two feet behind him sniggering and pointing? Yes. While watching his fake butter commercials from the comfort and safety of our living room? Naturally. But not to his face, because he’s actually a pretty big dude, and if you get beaten up by Fabio you may as well just fasten a plastic bag over your face right tight because you only have a lifetime of crippling humiliation to look forward to. According to an interview in April’s edition of Esquire magazine, actor George Clooney had somewhat of a similar realisation when he had a nasty encounter with Fabio in a restaurant. Well, it's about figgin' time he spoke up about an incident that was barely an incident and everyone had forgotten about. Yeesh!
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Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Getting Married! Once They’ve Stopped Fighting!

by Stuart Heritage

Reports of a wedding between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are always on and off – but now the wedding is definitely on. Unless it’s off.

Apparently Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been planning a wedding for some time now, which would be great, except for the giant screaming tantrums they keep having at each other because they can’t agree on where to have it.

According to Star magazine, Brad Pitt wants the wedding to take place in New Orleans, while Angelina Jolie would prefer to have it in France. There’s an obvious compromise to all this, of course – Brad and Angelina should meet in the middle, right in the centre of the Atlantic ocean, 1,500 miles out to sea. We’ll even provide the concrete shoes if they ask us nicely.

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Kid Rock Pleads Not Guilty To Spazzy Waffle Brawl

by Stuart Heritage

There’s an old saying that goes ‘Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day, but give a redneck a waffle and he’ll smack you on the head with a chair’.

Unless he didn’t smack anyone over the head with a chair. And yesterday, Kid Rock pleaded not guilty to that exact thing.

Kid Rock appeared before an Atlanta court yesterday to plead not guilty to five counts of battery and one count of simple battery following his alleged involvement in a Waffle House in October. If found guilty, not only will Kid Rock face a year in jail, but it’ll also give Waffle House the chance to roll out its ‘Waffle House: Fuelling Shit-Thick Redneck Dust-Ups Since 2007′ ad campaign it’s been so excited about lately.

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Angelina Jolie/ Jennifer Aniston Punch-Up: A Miserable Let-Down

by Stuart Heritage

Low-key nominees, strike-wrecked scripted banter – honestly, the only thing about the Oscars we were excited about this year was the thought of Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston clawing each other’s eyes out in public.

And it didn’t pissing happen.

Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston were due to come face to face at an Oscars party for the first time since Brad Pitt ditched one for the other. But Angelina Jolie avoided the clash by doing what we in the trade like to refer to as ‘pussying out’. Sad for us, but imagine how Jennifer Aniston feels – she’s spent the last month solidly pumping iron to get ready for the encounter. And she never even got to use that fleet of specially-trained winged monkeys, either.

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The Osbournes Want to Beat Up Heather Mills, Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

The Brits are tomorrow, and only one thing can save us from the slow carbon monoxide poisoning of Mika, Kaiser Chiefs and Leona Lewis performances.

And that’s Ozzy Osbourne violently attacking Heather Mills.

It’ll happen, too, if Heather Mills decides to show her face at the Brits. Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne have said so themselves. And forget watching Take That mumbling a gracious acceptance speech – who wouldn’t want to see a confused, shaking old drug addict having a punch-up with a terrified amputee? Nobody, that’s who.

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Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan: FIGHT!

by Stuart Heritage

There are two things in the world that could liven up the Grammys – one is to release a sack of hornets into the auditorium and the other is to watch Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have a bit of a ding-dong.

Sadly nobody’s ever taken us up on the hornet thing, but at least Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are keeping their end of the bargain. Apparently Paris and Lindsay had a scrap at Timbaland’s pre-Grammy party over which of them liked Timbaland more, or something.

We know. Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan were at a music awards party. Perhaps they were both serving drinks.

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Lindsay Lohan Back On The Sauce Again, Again

by Stuart Heritage

As a recovering addict, Lindsay Lohan knows that the moment even an atom of booze passes her lips she’ll fill her trousers with cocaine and go and crash her car somewhere stupid.

But still, that threat alone hasn’t stopped Lindsay Lohan from impinging on her Year Of Sex, because it’s been reported that Lindsay Lohan recently went out, rubbed herself up and down two different men, chugged a bunch of cocktails and then had a fight with some photographers.

Yeah yeah, allegedly. Jeez.

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