The Brits are tomorrow, and only one thing can save us from the slow carbon monoxide poisoning of Mika, Kaiser Chiefs and Leona Lewis performances.
And that's Ozzy Osbourne violently attacking Heather Mills.
It'll happen, too, if Heather Mills decides to show her face at the Brits. Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne have more or less said so themselves. And forget watching Take That mumbling a gracious acceptance speech – who wouldn't want to see a confused, shaking old drug addict having a punch-up with a terrified amputee? Nobody, that's who.
As essentially rational human beings, we'd have trouble leaving Ozzy Osbourne in charge of a tin opener in case he ended up concussing himself with it somehow. However, some people aren't as obviously clever as us, and they've put Ozzy Osbourne in charge of Britain's biggest live-televised music awards show.
Ozzy Osbourne's hosting the Brits tomorrow night, alongside members of his family who have variously been rejected by Joss Stone and almost died in a house fire and called Mother Teresa a cunt. It sounds like a should be a total shambles, but let's not forget that Ozzy Osbourne is a respectable older gentleman now, and he'll have been primped and prepared to within an inch of his life to ensure that nothing goes wron…
What's that? Ozzy Osbourne is going to call the Brits short and launch a violent attack on Heather Mills if she manages to turn up to the Brits and present an award tomorrow? Fair enough. Female First reports:
Speaking about the rumours Heather is planning to attend the prestigious bash, Sharon said: "I would boot her off. I think she's a miserable old cow." Ozzy – who will present Paul with the BRITs Lifetime Achievement Award – added: "I'm looking forward to seeing Paul McCartney – he's my hero. The body of work he's got is just unbelievable. But I really don't want to be there if Heather shows up. Never mind McCartney having a go – I think the audience will string her up. Sharon and I have met them both her on a few occasions but if Paul doesn't know her, I'm fucked if I do. She's fucking nuts."
Let's hope this warning is enough to stop Heather Mills from attending the Brits. After all, it isn't just Ozzy Osbourne out to get her. Rod Stewart has also made his dislike of Heather Mills clear, and don't forget that Paul McCartney will be performing at the Brits, and we all know how tasty he is with a sawn-off wineglass. If she's not careful, Heather Mills could stumble into a bloodbath.
So if she's sensible, Heather Mills will steer clear of the Brits and let it pass without incident. Well, apart from the incident when Ozzy Osbourne inevitably trips over a power cable onstage, spears a Brit through his eye and sets fire to Kylie Minogue's hair on live TV. But that was always going to happen.
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RODDEO says
Why do haters like you talk rubbish all the time! If you dont like pop then dont listern to it but dont go dissin people who are clearly doing very well for themselves makin music that is selling by the bucket load! Eat your heart out you sad, sad person!