"Out Of Your League." Those four not-so-magic words, the scourge of girl-chasing guys the world over. In terms of disappointment, they’re up there with the worst – kind of like being promised a PlayStation 3 for Christmas and receiving a cat turd in a box instead.

Which is why you have to feel sorry for Jack Osbourne. Even someone with his track record – and, for a tubby obnoxious slug, he has managed to shack up with some stunners – must occasionally fall at the first hurdle.

Say hello, then, to R&B songstress Joss Stone (CDs). Joss was apparently approached by Jack at the recent Glastonbury festival, and told "You are going to be my next girlfriend, Joss."

A statement she had a few issues with…

"Jack was desperate to pull her," a nearby festival-goer observed. "[He] was making no secret about it."

To be fair to young Joss – a standpoint we wouldn’t take if forced to review one of her records – she handled the situation remarkably well. Rather than saying something like "piss off, Osbourne, you pie-munching parasitic atrocity", the demure young madam calmly explained that she already had a boyfriend. A boyfriend in the shape of a millionaire music producer, no less.

Jackie-boy’s reaction? "He even said he’d be happy to share her". Ahhh… that old line. The sly little charmer.

Despite Ms. Stones protests, the bespectacled flabster carried on his barrage until a group of friends decided to step in and drag the babbling fool away. Presumably before a group of Joss’s bodyguards could storm in and beat his bulbous frame to a pulp.

Of course, some of you might disagree with that earlier statement. You might think that – far from feeling sorry for Our Jack – it’d be far more fun to point a finger in his smug zeppelin face and laugh like a possessed hyena.

hecklerspray can sympathise, though… having once had a crush on a television actress friend-of-a-friend and having made similar embarrassing attempts to converse with her. She’ll be in a couple of big films soon. She’s on her way to becoming a big shining star.

Want to know who she is? Best keep checking the ‘Spray for updates, then, hadn’t you?

My oh my. It’s like a soap opera all of a sudden…

[story by C J Davies]