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Celebrity fights

Paul McCartney Vs Gordon Ramsay! Sort Of!

by Stuart Heritage

Paul McCartney, the former Beatle who looks most like your nan, usually only likes to fight people with fewer legs than him.

But now the gloves have come off, because Paul McCartney has just squared up to testicle-faced TV chef Gordon Ramsay in a magazine over a comment the chef made about wanting to electrocute some vegetarians. It’s literally the most dramatic fight between two funny-looking millionaires about vegetables that Sainsbury’s Magazine has ever seen.

But who to side for? On one hand Paul McCartney was in the most famous band of all time and wrote Yesterday and Hey Jude, and on the other Gordon Ramsay can cook dinner quite well. Oh, this is a right bloody dilemma.

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Phew, Shannen Doherty Didn’t Have That Fight You Didn’t Know She Didn’t Have

by Stuart Heritage

Despite everything we’ve said, alluded to or thought over the last six months, we’re thrilled that Beverly Hills 90210 is coming back. Really.

Why? Because new Beverly Hills 90210 makes a clean break from the past. It’s banished all the pastel sweaters and pouffy hair of the old Beverly Hills 90210 and brought in a brand new team of youngsters who underline just how completely brand new the brand new Beverly Hills 90210 is. It’s brand new, you know.

So who’s the biggest star of this super-new, bleeding-edge Beverly Hills 90210? Um, Shannen Doherty. Off the old Beverly Hills 90210. But it’s not all cripplingly pointless news, because now she’s famous again, Shannen Doherty gets to put the record straight about a fight she didn’t have with Jennie Garth more than a decade ago. Whew!

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Girl From Hairspray (& Family) Fist Fights Girl From Top Model (& Family)

by Shawn Lindseth

Sometimes, in nature, females of any species have to fight to achieve their instinctive goals. Sometimes those goals include protecting newborns from the slobbery jaws of a vicious predator, and sometimes they include trying to change the channel away from Oprah in a posh mid-Manhattan nail salon. Thousands of women are killed every year from [...]

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Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie’s Guards Have A Paparazzi Punch-Up

by Stuart Heritage

It’s long been a dream of ours to dress up in camouflage and hold a pitched battle on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s front lawn.

Sadly, our stupid sense of common decency has always held us back from achieving our goal, which is why we’ve decided to live vicariously through the two camouflaged photographers who’ve been questioned by police after fighting with guards on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s property in France.

What exactly happened is a mystery – the guards and photographers are both accusing the other side of battery – but it’s clear why the paparazzi were on Brad and Angelina’s property in the first place. Apparently the garden is a haven for a rare breed of yellow wagtail, and the photographers would have got a first-rate shot of them if Angelina Jolie’s stupid twins didn’t keep getting in the bloody way.

It's long been a dream of ours to dress up in camouflage and hold a pitched battle on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's front lawn. Sadly, our stupid sense of common decency has always held us back from achieving our goal, which is why we've decided to live vicariously through the two camouflaged photographers who've been questioned by police after fighting with guards on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's property in France. What exactly happened is a mystery - the guards and photographers are both accusing the other side of battery - but it's clear why the paparazzi were on Brad and Angelina's property in the first place. Apparently the garden is a haven for a rare breed of yellow wagtail, and the photographers would have got a first-rate shot of them if Angelina Jolie's stupid twins didn't keep getting in the bloody way.
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Kid Rock Charged With Batter-based Battery

by Ian Dransfield

We always find it hard to take when, after a long, arduous gig in front of thousands of our fans, the local waffle house we visit doesn’t have enough cream, strawberries or maple syrup to coat our tasty treats. So much so that we sometimes raise issue with it, politely make our points, then leave [...]

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Sacha Baron Cohen Turns Cage Fighting Totally Gay

by Shawn Lindseth

We have a friend that used to orchestrate panda fights in her basement.

She’d charge $12 a pop to watch, and when enough people were gathered around she’d let the beasts out of their cages. Those pandas are savage animals too – we saw them skin a guy once. It was a half-dead senior citizen, but a guy nonetheless.

But all that was when the pandas were younger. With the passing of time came panda-related geriatric problems. Also with the passing of time came a strange gay-panda love affair. It was actually horrific – not that anything’s wrong with that.

That experience is why we feel we can relate so well to a whole bunch of people in Arkansas. They showed up for a vicious cage fight, an what they got instead was two grown mean undressing each other in a flurry of lust and passion.

And you know who people are blaming? Borat. We mean Bruno. People are blaming Bruno.

We have a friend that used to orchestrate panda fights in her basement. She'd charge $12 a pop to watch, and when enough people were gathered around she'd let the beasts out of their cages. Those pandas are savage animals too - we saw them skin a guy once. It was a half-dead senior citizen, but a guy nonetheless. But all that was when the pandas were younger. With the passing of time came panda-related geriatric problems. Also with the passing of time came a strange gay-panda love affair. It was actually horrific - not that anything's wrong with that. That experience is why we feel we can relate so well to a whole bunch of people in Arkansas. They showed up for a vicious cage fight, an what they got instead was two grown mean undressing each other in a flurry of lust and passion. And you know who people are blaming? Borat. We mean Bruno. People are blaming Bruno.
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Fights We Never Thought We’d See: Radiohead Vs Prince

by Stuart Heritage

It’s our lucky day – previously when we’ve watched fights between midgets and wonky-eyed wimps we’ve needed a credit card and a Bangkok hotel room with cable TV.

But not any more because Prince and Radiohead are at loggerheads – the kind of loggerheads that will either end in legal action or a hot hot dwarf-on-perpetual-student erotic gangbang.

It’s all over YouTube footage of Prince performing Radiohead’s Creep at a festival, you see. Prince being Prince, he’s had all videos removed from the internet; but Radiohead being Radiohead, they want the videos unblocked because they wrote the song. Who’ll win? It’s unclear, but it had better not end up with the gangbang scenario, because that’s going to result in one ugly unwanted baby.

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Ray Charles’ Kids & Manager Literally Fight Over His Dead Body

by Stuart Heritage

Bitter, distasteful fights about a dead celebrity’s possessions tend to take place while the dead celebrity is still warm.

So we have nothing but respect for the family and former manager of Ray Charles, who managed to remain peaceful and amicable until he was long-dead, completely cold and probably quite rotten, and then they started having bitter, distasteful fights about his possessions.

Ray Charles’ 12 children have accused manager Joe Adams of tarnishing their father’s memory by releasing two Ray Charles albums posthumously that Ray would have never approved. We’re not so sure about that – Ray Charles Sings The Hits Of Emma Bunton and Ray Charles Mumbles To Himself About His Slippers have always been long-time favourites of ours.

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Howard Stern’s Fat Friend Wigs Out & Resigns On Air

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve always said that the problem with radio is that not enough fat people get violently angry and try to attack people on air.

So god bless Howard Stern’s tubby and slightly psychotic-seeming sidekick Artie Lange for having an honestly disturbing argument with his assistant, before apparently trying to attack him and then resigning, all live on air. It’s what we’ve wanted to happen to Chris Moyles for years. Hats off to you, Artie Lange, you crazy, crazy bastard.

And, yes, we’ve got the whole of Artie Lange’s berserkoid meltdown after the jump.

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Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie’s Kids All Hate Each Other

by Stuart Heritage

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have easily got the most beautiful family on Earth, and that’s the way it’ll stay until Zahara has clawed out Shiloh’s eyeballs and stomped on them.

Yes, that’s right – all of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s kids hate each other to pieces. Literally to pieces – it’s like living with a gaggle of midget Naomi Campbells.

According to reports, Angelina Jolie’s adopted brood have started a flurry of three-on-one attacks on her biological daughter Shiloh Nouvel. But Angelina likes nothing more than a fair fight, which is why – rather than the twins everyone expects – Angelina Jolie is actually gestating two fully-armed mecha-warriors from the future up her vagina to help level the playing field. To level it with plasma cannons.

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