Sometimes, in nature, females of any species have to fight to achieve their instinctive goals. Sometimes those goals include protecting newborns from the slobbery jaws of a vicious predator, and sometimes they include trying to change the channel away from Oprah in a posh mid-Manhattan nail salon.
Thousands of women are killed every year from the latter offense. These battles are often epic, lasting for days on end – victory only being claimed when one contender drops to the ground dead, possibly with large chunks of hair missing, and Lee Press-Ons lodged in different parts of their face & shoulders.
So it was, recently, in some island airport when two sub-D-list female celebrities crossed paths. In one corner it was Nikki Blonsky, the lead from the movie Hairspray. In the other corner it was Bianca Golden, an America’s Next Top Model cast-off. They actually fought – physically. Hate raged as their blood and spit intertwined mid-air, possibly pushed to and fro by a mediocre ventilation system. Also hate raged as the Top Model girl had her foot bitten by a human being. Hate also raged as somebody’s father beat somebody else’s mother to the point of hospitalization.
That’s all that hate raged though. We wouldn’t want to exagerate – and we haven’t.
Yet.
Picture it if you will – you were a contestant on America’s Next Top Model, you’re in an island-vacation airport somewhere, and you just want to sit down. You see a seat available, but the hefty lead from the Hairspray movie has her suitcase on it. What do you do?
You fight, apparently. And that’s just what happened. According to Monsters & Critics:
“Nikki Blonsky from the recent film, “Hairspray” and her father were arrested at Providenciales International Airport in Turks and Caicos. They were reportedly involved in a fight with Bianca Golden from America’s Next Top Model. UsWeekly.com reports that the Blonsky family had their luggage on the seat and refused to move it. The fight allegedly also started because Nikki’s family was also saving five seats and Bianca’s family wanted them. TMZ reported that one of Bianca’s family members bit Nikki’s foot.”
Bit a foot? Well you don’t get that big from abstaining, you know what we mean, gang? The fight involved far more than the two women who are questionably famous. Their parents got way into it too – to the point where Nikki’s dad gave Bianca’s mom enough injuries to send her to a Miami hospital. He’s still in jail, incidentally.
This reminds us greatly of hecklerspray’s last family vacation wherein our dad got head-konked by a coconut, lost consciousness for two minutes, then swam up a whale’s lady-parts to help it give birth. We took baby whale home but the 65 mph winds it experienced while strapped to our roof rack for the ten hour drive dried it up dead.
Our one sister still brings it up at least monthly. Possibly because for the last three hours she was strapped up there with it.