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celebrity baby

Brad Pitt Throws Furious Giganto-Strop Over Secret Baby Photos

by Stuart Heritage

You’re probably wondering what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s new twins look like, because you’re nosy and have nothing better to do.

But you mustn’t. You mustn’t look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s babies – especially if you’re looking at the paparazzi photos secretly taken with a high-powered telephoto lens that were recently taken. Look at those and Brad Pitt will sue your sweaty loner arse all the way to the moon and back. He’s said so himself.

But don’t get the wrong idea – Brad Pitt isn’t going to unusually strong legal measures to protect the privacy of his family. He’s doing it to protect you. Those babies are so genetically perfect that if you even glance at them you’ll instantly leave your wife because their beauty will show her up to be the ugly old trollop that she really is.

You're probably wondering what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's new twins look like, because you're nosy and have nothing better to do. But you mustn't. You mustn't look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's babies - especially if you're looking at the paparazzi photos secretly taken with a high-powered telephoto lens that were recently taken. Look at those and Brad Pitt will sue your sweaty loner arse all the way to the moon and back. He's said so himself. But don't get the wrong idea - Brad Pitt isn't going to unusually strong legal measures to protect the privacy of his family. He's doing it to protect you. Those babies are so genetically perfect that if you even glance at them you'll instantly leave your wife because their beauty will show her up to be the ugly old trollop that she really is.
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Angelina Jolie Gives Her Babies Depressingly Normal Names

by Stuart Heritage

So Angelina Jolie has finally given birth to those baby twins she seems to have been pregnant with for the last 28 months.

And now that Angelina Jolie has increased her ever-expanding brood of biological and adopted kids to six, you’d expect that she’d be thrilled, wouldn’t you? Well think again – if the babies’ names are anything to go by, Angelina Jolie bloody well hates the pair of them.

Why? Because we all know that Angelina Jolie loves to give her children all sorts of zany names, but these new ones? Angelina’s actually given them names that they’ll be able to pronounce?Urgh! Worst of all, they’re not even made up-names! One’s called Leon and the other one’s called Vivienne – Angelina may as well have just slapped them both in the face at birth and had done with it.

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Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Forbid ‘Brangelina’ Term Forever

by Shawn Lindseth

When Angelina Jolie’s impending twins finally spill out of her vagina, they will likely be accompanied by sunbeams and rainbows.

The whole world waits on edge, listening intently for the double baby-wail emanating from some crummy French town. Everyone, no doubt, will demand to see pictures – and all magazines everywhere know this.

That’s why there’s such an intense bidding war going on. And if you’re the mag that offers the most money, you get the pics – along with a strange stipulation.

You could never print the term Brangelina behind your glossy cover again.

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Angelina Jolie’s Unborn Twins Already A Bit French

by Stuart Heritage

As if Angelina Jolie’s unborn children didn’t have it good enough already, what with all that guaranteed genetic perfection and whatnot, now they get to be French too.

The mayor of Nice, where Angelina Jolie plans to give birth to her twins, has announced that he’s made the unborn tots honourary citizens of the town for the rest of their lives.

What that basically means is that Angelina Jolie’s unborn twins now have the right to be treated like French people wherever they are in the world. They’ll feel at home no matter what they do – whether it’s discussing Sartre over coffee, indulging in some of the world’s finest gastronomy or walking around British historical cities really slowly in a huge crowd wearing purple trousers and garish rucksacks and refusing to get out of your way despite your obvious annoyance.

As if Angelina Jolie's unborn children didn't have it good enough already, what with all that guaranteed genetic perfection and whatnot, now they get to be French too. The mayor of Nice, where Angelina Jolie plans to give birth to her twins, has announced that he's made the unborn tots honourary citizens of the town for the rest of their lives. What that basically means is that Angelina Jolie's unborn twins now have the right to be treated like French people wherever they are in the world. They'll feel at home no matter what they do - whether it's discussing Sartre over coffee, indulging in some of the world's finest gastronomy or walking around British historical cities really slowly in a huge crowd wearing purple trousers and garish rucksacks and refusing to get out of your way despite your obvious annoyance.
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Angelina Jolie’s Twins To Remain Gut-Bound For The Foreseeable

by Stuart Heritage

When Angelina Jolie was shipped to her maternity clinic a couple of days ago, everyone assumed that it was because she was just about to sprout babies.

No such luck, we’re afraid. Yesterday Angelina Jolie’s obstetrician decided to make a sudden statement on her condition. And then, just when the world was holding its breath for something along the lines of “They’ve been born! And they’re beautiful!” what it actually got was “They’re not ready yet! Come back in a few weeks!”

So Angelina Jolie isn’t going to give birth any time soon, then, although she’s going to be staying in her maternity ward until then anyway. We’re getting a little tired of all this waiting though – Angelina’s got until the end of the week to have her babies, otherwise we go to France armed with a toilet plunger and whatever it is you cut umbilical cords with. Her choice.

When Angelina Jolie was shipped to her maternity clinic a couple of days ago, everyone assumed that it was because she was just about to sprout babies. No such luck, we're afraid. Yesterday Angelina Jolie's obstetrician decided to make a sudden statement on her condition. And then, just when the world was holding its breath for something along the lines of "They've been born! And they're beautiful!" what it actually got was "They're not ready yet! Come back in a few weeks!" So Angelina Jolie isn't going to give birth any time soon, then, although she's going to be staying in her maternity ward until then anyway. We're getting a little tired of all this waiting though - Angelina's got until the end of the week to have her babies, otherwise we go to France armed with a toilet plunger and whatever it is you cut umbilical cords with. Her choice.
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Angelina Jolie Ready To Pop Her Twins All Over The Place

by Stuart Heritage

This is it – the moment that everyone with a slightly sinister personal investment in the lives of people they’re never likely to meet has been waiting for.

That’s right, Angelina Jolie has been checked into a French hospital so that she can give birth to those babies that have been clogging up her insides for what seems like a couple of years. Don’t worry, though, Angelina Jolie isn’t going to have her twins just yet – she’s just checked in for a rest before all the gory stuff happens.

But it’s still exciting. What will Angelina Jolie call her children this time? We’re actually hoping that the twins are named after something specific to the region they’re born in – in which case we can expect to soon be introduced to little Unshaven Female Armpit Jolie-Pitt and its sibling, Halfhearted Attitude To Work Jolie-Pitt.

This is it - the moment that everyone with a slightly sinister personal investment in the lives of people they're never likely to meet has been waiting for. That's right, Angelina Jolie has been checked into a French hospital so that she can give birth to those babies that have been clogging up her insides for what seems like a couple of years. Don't worry, though, Angelina Jolie isn't going to have her twins just yet - she's just checked in for a rest before all the gory stuff happens. But it's still exciting. What will Angelina Jolie call her children this time? We're actually hoping that the twins are named after something specific to the region they're born in - in which case we can expect to soon be introduced to little Unshaven Female Armpit Jolie-Pitt and its sibling, Halfhearted Attitude To Work Jolie-Pitt.
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Angelina Jolie’s Slave Has Evil Media-Deceiving Twin

by Shawn Lindseth

It’s been a long couple of weeks for Angelina Jolie. Not only has she given birth to twins (one of them with the spine on the outside), but she’s also uncovered a previously unknown breed of dinosaur in her new French backyard, and her food cravings just before birth caused her to break through a bakery’s glass window pane and eat the little man she found in there frosting cakes.

Except for the man she ate none of that’s true, of course, but it really doesn’t matter. If Angelina’s assistant has free reign to invent stories for the press than so do we. Or should we say her fake assistant.

Yes, Jolie’s got some woman posing as her assistant going about issuing press statements construed primarily of falsehoods and deceit – that’s where the recent untrue news Jolie gave birth in France came from.

Such horrific lies! Now that’s our kind of woman.

It’s been a long couple of weeks for Angelina Jolie. Not only has she given birth to twins (one of them with the spine on the outside), but she’s also uncovered a previously unknown breed of dinosaur in her new French backyard, and her food cravings just before birth caused her to break through a bakery’s glass window pane and eat the little man she found in there frosting cakes. Except for the man she ate none of that’s true, of course, but it really doesn’t matter. If Angelina’s assistant has free reign to invent stories for the press than so do we. Or should we say her fake assistant. Yes, Jolie’s got some woman posing as her assistant going about issuing press statements construed primarily of falsehoods and deceit – that’s where the recent untrue news Jolie gave birth in France came from. Such horrific lies! Now that’s our kind of woman.
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Big Brother Betting Odds: More Twins?

by Stuart Heritage

The new series of Big Brother is just days away now, and it’s making us tremble in that excited way that people do when they’re stuck in the path of a speeding train and there’s no time to stop it.

Because, as far as we know, Big Brother only means one thing – Big Brother betting odds. Come Friday morning we’ll have detailed, professional, highly psychological insights into why everyone on Big Brother is a massive arsehole, but for now we’ll just get you warmed up with a few more provisional pre-show odds.

Here are the Big Brother betting odds for more identical twins to enter the Big Brother house, with help from Paddy Power…

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Angelina Jolie Thuds Out Those Unborn Babies Of Hers

by Stuart Heritage

Hoist the flags and sound the trumpets – Angelina Jolie has either given birth to twins or farted really, really loudly!

Reports are flooding in that Angelina Jolie has given birth to twins in France. However, right now nobody seems to know how unpregnant Angelina Jolie actually is because, while the reports are mostly convincing, it appears that Angelina has given the twin girls vaguely sensible names. And if we know Angelina Jolie, we know that she’d rather stab a baby in the face than give it a name that she hasn’t just made up from a random combination of letters on a whim.

Anyway – Angelina Jolie! Babies! Birth! Let’s go!

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Now Dustin Hoffman Blabs About Angelina Jolie’s Due Date

by Stuart Heritage

Angelina Jolie must be wondering why she even bothered going all the way to poxy Cannes.

Supposedly there to promote Kung Fu Panda, Angelina Jolie has actually ended up having to sit in a room with her co-stars and listen to them carping on about all the secrets of her pregnancy. First Jack Black accidentally confirmed that Angelina Jolie was pregnant with twins, and now Dustin Hoffman has apparently revealed that her babies are due to be born on August 19.

But that’s nothing, because Angelina’s other Kung Fu Panda co-star Jackie Chan refuses to be outdone – and you’ll discover why just as soon as he’s finished bronzing his 30ft papier mache representation of what the inside of Angelina Jolie’s dilating cervix looks like.

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