Hoist the flags and sound the trumpets – Angelina Jolie has either given birth to twins or farted really, really loudly!
Reports are flooding in that Angelina Jolie has given birth to twins in France. However, right now nobody seems to know how unpregnant Angelina Jolie actually is because, while the reports are mostly convincing, it appears that Angelina has given the twin girls vaguely sensible names. And if we know Angelina Jolie, we know that she’d rather stab a baby in the face than give it a name that she hasn’t just made up from a random combination of letters on a whim.
Anyway – Angelina Jolie! Babies! Birth! Let’s go!
People, however pretty you thought you were when you woke up this morning, get ready to feel crushed because you’re uglier than a couple of screaming newborn babies. Reports are coming in thick and fast that Angelina Jolie has given birth to those twins of Brad Pitt‘s that she’s been openly growing inside her for a while.
Although Dustin Hoffman had claimed that the babies weren’t due until August, it appears he may have been playing a particularly lousy game of cat and mouse with everyone, because – after turning up in Cannes to promote Kung Fu Panda – it seems that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt simply pootled on up to Provence and gave birth to their twins there instead.
And, what’s more, the wine and cheese and slightly unsatisfactory work ethic of the nation might have got into Angelina Jolie’s brain, because – as Fox News reports in an unconfirmed claim – she’s given her twins mostly normal names:
According to reports in France, Angelina Jolie gave birth on Sunday at a Catholic clinic in the Aix-En-Provence region, OK! Magazine said Friday. French gossip sites reported that the babies were named Isla Marcheline and Amelie Jane, in honor of the girls’ grandmothers.
If it’s true, then it’s wonderful news – not only has Brad Pitt overcome his fear of how France smells a bit like cabbages, but it also means that the next time Angelina Jolie’s children have a fight, the biologicals will be equally matched against the adoptees. And we’re really only comfortable betting on children fighting to the death when we know that it’s a fair fight. We’re not animals.
Still, we’re sure that you’ll hear more about Angelina Jolie’s baby twins in the days and weeks and months and years to come – from their first lucrative magazine photoshoot deal through to the first time that Mummy and Daddy’s needlessly aggressive bodyguards beat someone up for getting within 50 feet of them to that glorious moment when years of being brought up in a damaging cocoon of fame explode in a mindless quest for public approval ends with them posing naked together for a low rent porno mag on their 18th birthday – so for now, congratulations.
UPDATE – Turns out Angelina Jolie didn’t give birth after all; there’s been an official denial:
“Angelina has not given birth. She is fine, enjoying her home and her family in France.”
We thought as much. Seriously, Amelie Jane? When she could have called it Jazzlebert Curflumberdingle? That’s just dumb.
David Bryden says
Will they be named ‘Grendel’ and ‘Big scary dragon’?