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celebrity baby

Angelina Jolie Officially Pregnant With Twins! Twiiiiins!

by Stuart Heritage

Anyone with even a passing interest in this stuff will have known for ages that Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins.

But, people, guess what – Angelina Jolie is pregnant! With twins!

And this time it’s official, because Jack Black accidentally shot his gob off about how many kids Angelina Jolie was hiding up her uterus during a promotional interview for Kung-Fu Panda in Cannes, and Angelina Jolie was forced to confirm it. In other unrelated news, the bear community is also kind of pissed off at Jack Black for accidentally breaking the story that they occasionally shit in the woods from time to time.

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We Know The Gender Of Angelina Jolie’s Pregnant Stomach-Children

by Shawn Lindseth

We heard of a woman once who was pregnant, and two weeks into her second trimester her doctor realised it was just with a cantaloupe she’d swallowed whole some months before. It sat idly in the belly because her stomach juices made it swell too big for her intestinal track.

Needless to say she delivered by cesarean and both mother and melon are doing well. The younger of the two is reportedly in kindergarten right now – and having considerable trouble learning to count.

We heard of another lady that once pooped out a handgun.

What we’re getting at here is if you’re a woman and you find your belly sick and swollen, you can never tell what’s inside you. Except for Angelina Jolie. She knows for a fact what’s in her – gender and all.

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Angelina Jolie Talks Babies! Also Iraq And Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone alive is sick of listening to Angelina Jolie prattle on about humanitarian issues all the time – that’s a fact.

That’s fine – a firebrand like Angelina Jolie must be used to the criticism from strangers by now – but it has to hurt when Angelina Jolie’s own unborn children start to launch violent internal attacks on her own abdominal wall just to shut her up.

Because that’s what’s happened – during a discussion about Iraqi education policy in Washington on Tuesday, Angelina Jolie was forced to talk about her own unborn twins in public for the very first time because they wouldn’t stop booting her in the gut with all their might. Heartwarming stuff, huh?

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Look! Photos Of Jennifer Lopez’s Twins! In A Magazine!

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a hard month, knowing that Jennifer Lopez gave birth to twins but not being able to see what they look like.

Chances are your minds have spent the last few weeks racing with worries about Jennifer Lopez’s twins – do they have their mother’s eyes? Do they have the right amount of fingers? Is one of them a bear? Were either of them born fully-qualified airline pilots – but now the truth is finally out.

The first pictures of Jennifer Lopez’s twin babies have been published on the front cover of today’s People magazine. And the good news is that, judging by the pictures, both of Jennifer Lopez’s twins look perfectly fine – although if we were Marc Anthony might want a DNA paternity test just to clear up any lingering suspicion that Jennifer wasn’t knocked up by a Boobah. Really, the resemblance is uncanny.

It's been a hard month, knowing that Jennifer Lopez gave birth to twins but not being able to see what they look like. Chances are your minds have spent the last few weeks racing with worries about Jennifer Lopez's twins - do they have their mother's eyes? Do they have the right amount of fingers? Is one of them a bear? Were either of them born fully-qualified airline pilots - but now the truth is finally out. The first pictures of Jennifer Lopez's twin babies have been published on the front cover of today's People magazine. And the good news is that, judging by the pictures, both of Jennifer Lopez's twins look perfectly fine - although if we were Marc Anthony might want a DNA paternity test just to clear up any lingering suspicion that Jennifer wasn't knocked up by a Boobah. Really, the resemblance is uncanny.
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Dennis Quaid Describes Horrible Baby Twin Almost-Deaths

by Stuart Heritage

Four months ago a hospital worker accidentally overdosed Dennis Quaid’s newborn twins with 1,000 times the recommended dose of blood thinner.

That’s an almost unfathomably horrible thing for anyone to have to go through, and yet Dennis Quaid has happily given a televised interview where he recounts the whole awful story from beginning to end. Why would Dennis Quaid subject himself to this? Because he’s still furious about the cock-up and claims that medical mistakes are responsible for 100,000 deaths a year in America alone, that’s why.

And also we suspect it’s because if Dennis Quaid didn’t talk about his children almost dying, he’d have had to talk about Vantage Point instead. He must have gone for the least emotionally-gruelling choice.

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Jennifer Lopez Gives Twins Reassuringly Crap Names

by Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Lopez has finally decided to announce the name of her newborn twins – they’re called Max and Emme.

“Now just you wait a cotton-picking minute, you sarcastic internet upstart,” you’re probably roaring at the screen in the ill-informed belief that we can hear you, “They’re not crap names like you said in the headline. In a world of Shiloh Nouvels and Bluebell Madonnas, Jennifer Lopez should be applauded for naming her kids something as low-key as Max and Emme.”

To which we say, do you know what the twins’ full names are? Maximiano and Emelina, that’s what. Although that might change once someone informs Jennifer Lopez that she gave birth to human babies, not a fairytale witch and a Pokemon.

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Jennifer Lopez Finally Gives Birth To Those Twins Of Hers

by Stuart Heritage

According to highly scientific calculations, Jennifer Lopez has been pregnant for anywhere between 12 and 15 years.

Or rather Jennifer Lopez was pregnant – last night Jennifer Lopez gave birth to the twin babies she’s been expecting since the summer of 1963.

Not a whole lot is known about Jennifer Lopez’s twins yet – it’s only been a matter of hours since they were born, after all. However, judging by the size of Jennifer Lopez in the latter stages of her pregnancy, we can safely assume that each twin was the size of a fully-grown overweight nightclub bouncer from Dagenham by the time it shawshanked out of her birth canal.

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Jennifer Lopez’s Twins To Be Insanely Freaking Rich

by Stuart Heritage

Here’s a conundrum: you see two magazines, one that promises exclusive pictures of Jennifer Lopez and her new twins and another one that’s about generic mid-20th century brickwork – which do you buy?

No question – the brickwork one every time. Because a) hey, bricks, woo, and b) you really couldn’t give a tenth of a rat’s chuff about anything to do with Jennifer Lopez.

Still, that hasn’t stopped People magazine from paying an estimated $6 million for exclusive American distribution rights for Jennifer Lopez’s baby photos. We honestly can’t see how Jennifer Lopez is that much of a draw, so maybe People has heard something we don’t know – maybe J-Lo’s twins are co-joined at the arse or something. Yes, that’s definitely it.

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Angelina Jolie ‘Only Got Pregnant To Stop Brad Pitt Running Off’

by Stuart Heritage

When Brad Pitt tells Angelina Jolie to jump, she says “how high?” And when Brad Pitt tells Angelina Jolie to start filling her guts up with unborn children, she’ll stuff twice as many as he asked for up there.

That’s the insinuation being made, anyway. Angelina Jolie reportedly only decided to fall pregnant with twins because she was scared that Brad Pitt would leave her if she didn’t.

If that’s true then Angelina Jolie is a fool. She should come and shack up with us, because we’d never ask her to get pregnant if she didn’t want to. In fact, we hate children so much that we’d make her drown all her existing kids in the bath before we let her move her stuff in. That’s the exact opposite of what Brad Pitt wants, which is why we’re confident that Angelina Jolie will choose us.

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Jennifer Lopez Has Two Big-Arsed Babies On The Way

by Stuart Heritage

As Jennifer Lopez is so fond of reminding us, she used to have a little now she got a lot – but it seems that she was discussing the contents of her over-stuffed womb all along.

That’s because Jennifer Lopez isn’t just pregnant, but pregnant with twins. David Lopez broke the news of Jennifer Lopez’s impending twins during an interview on a Spanish-language TV show.

Although let’s not forget that the Spanish word for ‘twins’ and the Spanish word for ‘underwhelming singing voice’ are very similar, so there’s a good chance that David Lopez was merely providing a randomly-timed, somewhat harsh critique of Jennifer Lopez’s performance style for the Spanish-speaking community.

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