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celebrity babies

Usher Can’t Stop Getting People Pregnant

by Stuart Heritage

Usher is good at two things – dancing like a man being attacked by a swarm of invisible jellyfish and getting women pregnant.

OK, maybe not ‘women’ as such. Usher is good at getting one woman pregnant – his wife, Tameka Foster. Just nine months after the birth of their first child, it’s announced that Tameka’s only gone and got another baby on the go.

That’s impressive work, especially when you account for the fact that most couples don’t even reveal their pregnancy until the second trimester. That means Usher managed to knock his wife up less than six months after she had the first baby. That’s either incredible or a bit gruesome, depending on how hung up you are with the idea of tearing and stitches and whatnot. We are, by the way, which probably accounts for the nausea.

Either that or Usher has somehow got us pregnant simply by us writing about it. We wouldn’t put it past him.

Usher is good at two things - dancing like a man being attacked by a swarm of invisible jellyfish and getting women pregnant. OK, maybe not 'women' as such. Usher is good at getting one woman pregnant - his wife, Tameka Foster. Just nine months after the birth of their first child, it's announced that Tameka's only gone and got another baby on the go. That's impressive work, especially when you account for the fact that most couples don't even reveal their pregnancy until the second trimester. That means Usher managed to knock his wife up less than six months after she had the first baby. That's either incredible or a bit gruesome, depending on how hung up you are with the idea of tearing and stitches and whatnot. We are, by the way, which probably accounts for the nausea. Either that or Usher has somehow got us pregnant simply by us writing about it. We wouldn't put it past him.
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Naomi Campbell Wants Babies! Now! Or Else She’ll Beat You Up!

by Stuart Heritage

Bad news, all unfertilised sperm – the chances of you splattering into one of Naomi Campbell’s ovums has just increased exponentially.

That’s because Naomi Campbell has just recovered from an operation on her baby-making parts that’s allowed her to have children for the first time in her life. And, by God, does Naomi Campbell ever want children – she’s all over the press at the moment basically telling the world that she wants someone to knock her up.

And when Naomi Campbell tell you she wants to get pregnant, you’d better make sure you get her pregnant quicksmart, or else there’ll be trouble. And no looking her in the eye during it. And she’d better not feel it going in, otherwise you’ll be picking shards of Nokia out of your face for the next six months. Understand?

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Minnie Driver Has A Baby, Bewilderingly Names It Story

by Stuart Heritage

When it comes to curly-haired British minor actresses, it goes without saying that Minnie Driver is definitely in our top two or three hundred.

That’s why we’re just so thrilled that Minnie Driver has managed to successfully give birth to her first baby. It’s been reported that Minnie Driver gave birth to her son on Friday, and she’s even named it Henry Story Driver. Story. It’s almost as if Minnie Driver is playing along at being a celebrity, isn’t it? It’s sweet.

Not too much is known about Minnie Driver’s baby, but fingers crossed that it hasn’t inherited Minnie’s humongous jaw and, if it has, that it wasn’t a natural birth. Delivering a baby can be painful enough at the best of times, so imagine how bad it’d be to have an industrial jack holding your clodge apart so you baby’s giant mandible doesn’t get snarled up in it. Congratulations Minnie!

When it comes to curly-haired British minor actresses, it goes without saying that Minnie Driver is definitely in our top two or three hundred. That's why we're just so thrilled that Minnie Driver has managed to successfully give birth to her first baby. It's been reported that Minnie Driver gave birth to her son on Friday, and she's even named it Henry Story Driver. Story. It's almost as if Minnie Driver is playing along at being a celebrity, isn't it? It's sweet. Not too much is known about Minnie Driver's baby, but fingers crossed that it hasn't inherited Minnie's humongous jaw and, if it has, that it wasn't a natural birth. Delivering a baby can be painful enough at the best of times, so imagine how bad it'd be to have an industrial jack holding your clodge apart so you baby's giant mandible doesn't get snarled up in it. Congratulations Minnie!
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David Spade Did It With A Lady Until A Baby Popped Out

by Stuart Heritage

It must be the season for unexpected pregnancies. First little Bristol Palin let a cartoon redneck knock her up, and now this – something far far worse.

David Spade has become a father. Accidentally. According to reports, David Spade had a brief relationship with a Playboy Playmate called Jillian Grace not so long ago and he accidentally got a baby wedged up there or something and now it’s fallen out of her. We’re not sure how the whole pregnancy thing works, to be honest.

Why’s that worse than Bristol Palin’s pregnancy? Simple – Bristol Palin can look the world in the eye and tell everyone that the father of her child is a rugged, athletic 18-year-old brute at the peak of his sexual condition. But Jillian Grace? Every time she looks at her new baby it’s just going to be a tragic reminder that she let David Spade stick it up her a couple of times once, the poor woman.

It must be the season for unexpected pregnancies. First little Bristol Palin let a cartoon redneck knock her up, and now this - something far far worse. David Spade has become a father. Accidentally. According to reports, David Spade had a brief relationship with a Playboy Playmate called Jillian Grace not so long ago and he accidentally got a baby wedged up there or something and now it's fallen out of her. We're not sure how the whole pregnancy thing works, to be honest. Why's that worse than Bristol Palin's pregnancy? Simple - Bristol Palin can look the world in the eye and tell everyone that the father of her child is a rugged, athletic 18-year-old brute at the peak of his sexual condition. But Jillian Grace? Every time she looks at her new baby it's just going to be a tragic reminder that she let David Spade stick it up her a couple of times once, the poor woman.
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Christina Aguilera In ‘Quite Likes Own Baby’ Shocker

by Stuart Heritage

Probably the last taboo of motherhood is admitting that you feel affection towards your baby, because it’s crass and almost definitely a lie.

But Christina Aguilera is all about shattering taboos – she shattered the one about not honking like a wounded moose in song for starters – and that’s why ChristinaAguilera has just made history as the first woman ever to publicly say that she actually enjoys spending time with her baby. Of course, ChristinaAguilera’s comments happen to neatly tie in with the launch of her new fragrance, so there’s every chance she was just being deliberately controversial to stoke up sales.

Incidentally, we heard that the new Christina Aguilera perfume is inspired by her first few months of motherhood, which is why it smells like a mixture of yellow poo and her own tears.

Probably the last taboo of motherhood is admitting that you feel affection towards your baby, because it's crass and almost definitely a lie. But Christina Aguilera is all about shattering taboos - she shattered the one about not honking like a wounded moose in song for starters - and that's why ChristinaAguilera has just made history as the first woman ever to publicly say that she actually enjoys spending time with her baby. Of course, ChristinaAguilera's comments happen to neatly tie in with the launch of her new fragrance, so there's every chance she was just being deliberately controversial to stoke up sales. Incidentally, we heard that the new Christina Aguilera perfume is inspired by her first few months of motherhood, which is why it smells like a mixture of yellow poo and her own tears.
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Call Social Services: Pete Wentz Sings At His Unborn Emo Baby

by Stuart Heritage

By our estimates, Ashlee Simpson has now been pregnant for something like 400 years, approximately zero seconds of which have been remotely interesting.

But it’s never too late to start. So how about this – Pete Wentz, the pointy-haired emo tosswump and the father of Ashlee Simpson’s unborn baby, has declared himself unofficial musical director of the pregnancy and often sings to the baby in its mother’s womb.

It sounds sweet, but you shouldn’t be so easily fooled – for starters Pete Wentz only sings to his baby now because he knows it hasn’t developed the ability to jam its fingers into its ears yet. Also, in retrospect we might have given you the wrong idea – Pete Wentz doesn’t so much enjoy ‘singing to his unborn baby’ as ‘screaming up Ashlee Simpson’s tumpsy’. We assume.

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Matt Damon Has Another Kid: Hasn’t Sold it Out Yet

by Ian Dransfield

Matt Damon has gone and done that thing where he gets a woman pregnant and she shoots out his spawn a few months later. Had a kid – that’s the one. We even told you about the pregnancy, as we’re nice. This newest one brings his tally up to three of the little blighters, meaning [...]

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Old Lady Pushes Out Baby Made With Clay Aiken’s Chromosomal Input

by Shawn Lindseth

Somewhere – recently – in a dark corner of a hospital, new life was given. It sprang forth from its mother’s womb. Taking a first invigorating breath, it leapt off the table – and then just stood there taking everything in. It thought of the struggle it had just endured to fight its way out [...]

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Jamie Lynn Spears Brings About Societal Devastation On A Mass Scale

by Ian Dransfield

Despair is a pretty common theme when it comes to writing about celebrities – especially when it comes to their impact on popular culture. Never let it be said that people around the world are anything more than mindless drones, willing to copy any trend pushed in front of them. So it comes as no [...]

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Jessica Alba Shows Off Her Unusually Hairy Baby

by Stuart Heritage

Things we’ve learnt today, number 14 – Jessica Alba has an unusually dominant hairiness gene.

She must have, because Jessica Alba is on the cover of this week’s OK! magazine with her new baby daughter Honor Marie and we’ll be blowed if Alba Jr doesn’t have the fullest head of hair we’ve ever seen on any single living creature ever. It’s astounding.

At least, we’re assuming that Jessica Alba’s daughter has a thick head of hair. For all we know it could be a wig covering up for the time when Honor Marie went out, got drunk and had ‘I hated The Love Guru’ tattooed across her bald scalp deliberately to try and spite Jessica Alba and sabotage her big-moneycovershoot. In fact, screw it, let’s just say that’s what happened anyway.

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