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celebrity babies

Gossip: Gossip Girl Girl Kelly Rutherford Is Pregnant

by Stuart Heritage

Nothing makes us happier than when a woman from a TV show we never watch announces that she’s got a bun in the oven.

So congratulations to Kelly Rutherford, who we’re told is a) a star of Gossip Girl and b) pregnant. We’re not experts on Gossip Girl or pregnancy, but we hear one involves backache, uncontrollable mood swings, a slack bladder, nausea and rabid constipation. The other one is pregnancy.

This will be Kelly Rutherford’s second child, following the birth of her… really, are you still actually reading this? Are people genuinely interested in KellyRutherfords’s pregnancy? Weirdos.

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Ashlee Simpson Gets $2 Million To Show People Her Stupid Baby

by Stuart Heritage

If you’re named Bronx Mowgli Wentz, it’s a given that you’ll end up either in therapy or buying a great big bag of guns.

Both outcomes are hideously expensive – any therapy you had would last for decades and the legal bills you’d rack up from climbing a clocktower and blasting away indiscriminately at strangers for an hour as revenge for the years of teasing would be immense – so it’s just as well that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have already worked out a way to set Bronx Mowgli Wentz up with a fortune.

According to reports, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz could command anything up to $2 million from magazines in exchange for exclusive photos of the baby. The money would go a long way to help clean up all the gallons of poo, pee, snot and runny vomit that the couple have found themselves living amid this last week. Or they could use it to wipe up the mess that baby Bronx Mowgli made instead. It’s up to them.

If you're named Bronx Mowgli Wentz, it's a given that you'll end up either in therapy or buying a great big bag of guns. Both outcomes are hideously expensive - any therapy you had would last for decades and the legal bills you'd rack up from climbing a clocktower and blasting away indiscriminately at strangers for an hour as revenge for the years of teasing would be immense - so it's just as well that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have already worked out a way to set Bronx Mowgli Wentz up with a fortune. According to reports, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz could command anything up to $2 million from magazines in exchange for exclusive photos of the baby. The money would go a long way to help clean up all the gallons of poo, pee, snot and runny vomit that the couple have found themselves living amid this last week. Or they could use it to wipe up the mess that baby Bronx Mowgli made instead. It's up to them.
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Here’s Why Pete Wentz Gave His Son That Stupid Name

by Stuart Heritage

Bronx Mowgli Wentz is a combination of words so stupid that it makes people want to punch themselves in the face just for saying it out loud.

So, by deciding to name his firstborn child Bronx Mowgli Wentz, Pete Wentz opened up a real can of borderline child abuse. In fact, the outrage over the name Bronx Mowgli Wentz has been so huge that Pete Wentz has been forced to explain the vast secrets behind its meaning. Ready to have your minds blown?

OK – he and Ashlee Simpson chose Mowgli as a name because they quite like The Jungle Book. Astounding, we know. But Pete Wentz wants to keep the meaning behind the Bronx part of the name a secret. He won’t have much luck, though, because scientists have already boiled the meaning down to either a) Pete Wentz quite likes the Bronx, b) Ashlee Simpson quite likes the Bronx or c) they are both clueless fartwhumps.

Bronx Mowgli Wentz is a combination of words so stupid that it makes people want to punch themselves in the face just for saying it out loud. So, by deciding to name his firstborn child Bronx Mowgli Wentz, Pete Wentz opened up a real can of borderline child abuse. In fact, the outrage over the name Bronx Mowgli Wentz has been so huge that Pete Wentz has been forced to explain the vast secrets behind its meaning. Ready to have your minds blown? OK - he and Ashlee Simpson chose Mowgli as a name because they quite like The Jungle Book. Astounding, we know. But Pete Wentz wants to keep the meaning behind the Bronx part of the name a secret. He won't have much luck, though, because scientists have already boiled the meaning down to either a) Pete Wentz quite likes the Bronx, b) Ashlee Simpson quite likes the Bronx or c) they are both clueless fartwhumps.
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No Free BMW For Baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz

by Stuart Heritage

And there we were thinking that Ashlee Simpson called her baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz because she hates it and wants it to be bullied forever.

How wrong we were. According to some reports, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz may have settled on Bronx Mowgli Wentz because then they’d have a baby with the initials BMW, vastly increasing the chance of BMW giving the couple a new car as a way of thanking them for the unofficial endorsement of their brand.

But that hasn’t happened. A BMW spokesman has been quoted as saying that Bronx Mowgli Wentz wouldn’t be getting a free car, not even on his 16th birthday. You know what this means, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz? It’s back to the drawing board. In nine months’ time, baby Tassimo Easyjet Argos PlayStation Tizer Wentz is going to turn your luck around!

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Ashlee Simpson Gives Her Baby A Breathtakingly Gormless Name

by Stuart Heritage

Since she’s been pregnant for roughly seven years now, Ashlee Simpson has had plenty of time to think up a really stupid baby name.

But not even the biggest advocates of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz’s thundering lunk-headedness could have been prepared for the sheer life-ruining awfulness of the name that they’ve chosen for the son that Ashlee gave birth to yesterday. Ladies and gentlemen, may we introduce you to little Bronx Mowgli Wentz.

But don’t think that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz chose the name Bronx Mowgli Wentz on a whim – three weeks ago Pete Wentz told Ryan Seacrest that they wanted to meet the baby before they settled on a name. So presumably Bronx Mowgli looks like a cartoon Gargoyle and he’ll be raised by animals. We don’t think we need to verbalise what we’re all thinking, do you?

Since she's been pregnant for roughly seven years now, Ashlee Simpson has had plenty of time to think up a really stupid baby name. But not even the biggest advocates of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz's thundering lunk-headedness could have been prepared for the sheer life-ruining awfulness of the name that they've chosen for the son that Ashlee gave birth to yesterday. Ladies and gentlemen, may we introduce you to little Bronx Mowgli Wentz. But don't think that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz chose the name Bronx Mowgli Wentz on a whim - three weeks ago Pete Wentz told Ryan Seacrest that they wanted to meet the baby before they settled on a name. So presumably Bronx Mowgli looks like a cartoon Gargoyle and he'll be raised by animals. We don't think we need to verbalise what we're all thinking, do you?
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Nicole Kidman Kind Of Likes Being A Mother, Mostly

by Stuart Heritage

Nicole Kidman isn’t a traditional Hollywood star – for instance, rather than make one film that everyone loves, she’ll make ten films that everyone hates.

And this fierce sense of anti-establishment also includes the way she raises her daughter. When most moviestars have children, for example, they’ll sell pictures of the baby to a magazine for millions of dollars. But not that’s not how Nicole Kidman rolls.

Similarly when most moviestars have children, they’ll give interviews about how great it feels to be a mother and how wonderful their child is. But, again, Nicole Kidman doesn’t roll that way – which is why in her first big interview since the birth of her child, Nicole Kidman didn’t seem to do much except for shriek about how she doesn’t want to die and how she can’t stop crying. Attagirl, Nicole.

Nicole Kidman isn't a traditional Hollywood star - for instance, rather than make one film that everyone loves, she'll make ten films that everyone hates. And this fierce sense of anti-establishment also includes the way she raises her daughter. When most moviestars have children, for example, they'll sell pictures of the baby to a magazine for millions of dollars. But not that's not how Nicole Kidman rolls. Similarly when most moviestars have children, they'll give interviews about how great it feels to be a mother and how wonderful their child is. But, again, Nicole Kidman doesn't roll that way - which is why in her first big interview since the birth of her child, Nicole Kidman didn't seem to do much except for shriek about how she doesn't want to die and how she can't stop crying. Attagirl, Nicole.
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Dear God, Is Jennifer Aniston Pregnant Now?

by Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Aniston is a girl after our own heart – she knows that the only way to keep a man is to get pregnant and guilt them into commitment.

Allegedly. Allegedly Jennifer Aniston has something growing in her stomach, and for once it’s not the burning desire to be the centre of attention or a little voice going “Feeeed meee! I’m so hungryyy!” Allegedly, you see, Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with John Mayer’s baby. Oh, and they’re getting married as well. Allegedly.

If this is true, we can’t help feeling that this is a mistake. If Jennifer Aniston wants to get her revenge on Angelina Jolie so much, then she shouldn’t be getting pregnant from a pasty white American like John Mayer – she should be getting pregnant from a Cambodian. And an Ethiopian. And a bloke from Vietnam. And probably a couple of Indians and a some Chinese men. All at once. On the internet. It’s the only way.

Jennifer Aniston is a girl after our own heart - she knows that the only way to keep a man is to get pregnant and guilt them into commitment. Allegedly. Allegedly Jennifer Aniston has something growing in her stomach, and for once it's not the burning desire to be the centre of attention or a little voice going "Feeeed meee! I'm so hungryyy!" Allegedly, you see, Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with John Mayer's baby. Oh, and they're getting married as well. Allegedly. If this is true, we can't help feeling that this is a mistake. If Jennifer Aniston wants to get her revenge on Angelina Jolie so much, then she shouldn't be getting pregnant from a pasty white American like John Mayer - she should be getting pregnant from a Cambodian. And an Ethiopian. And a bloke from Vietnam. And probably a couple of Indians and a some Chinese men. All at once. On the internet. It's the only way.
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Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant With ‘A Bunch Of Made-Up Crap’

by Stuart Heritage

We know that for a few blood-chilling moments yesterday everyone thought Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant again – but it’s OK, she’s not.

Contrary to yesterday’s reports, it’s been announced that Jamie Lynn Spears definitely isn’t pregnant. And that comes from one of the most trusted sources around. No, not a doctor or a family member or Jamie Lynn Spears herself – we’re talking big league here.

How big league? Unnamed person who lives in the same town as Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother and would expect to have probably been told about it already if it was true big league. So, in summary, Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant because her mother hasn’t been skipping down the street haphazardly blabbing her family’s dark secret to random strangers. We hope that clears things up.

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For The Love Of God, Is Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant AGAIN?

by Stuart Heritage

Of all the bad news we’ve ever heard, this is a kind of brand-new soul-rapingly terrible type of news – Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant again.

Or at least Jamie Lynn Spears might be pregnant again. Just four short months after giving birth to her first baby, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is reportedly eight weeks up the duff with her second baby. And, if the reports are true, Jamie Lynn Spears reacted the same way any proud mother would if they discovered that they were bringing new life into the world – by “crying her eyes out.”

This is, it’s claimed, because Jamie Lynn Spears thought that it was impossible to get pregnant while you’re breastfeeding. And if that’s the case, the message is clear – stay in church, kids. It certainly worked for Jamie Lynn.

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Minnie Driver Slaps Her Baby Up On MySpace

by Stuart Heritage

Minnie Driver doesn’t know the rules – celebrity babies only exist to supplement their parents’ giant wages via megabucks magazine deals.

But that particular memo doesn’t appear to have reached Minnie Driver, because she’s just done the unthinkable – she’s posted a photo of her new son Henry on MySpace. For free. What a massive idiot.

Doesn’t Minnie Driver know what she’s missing? With all the public interest in her, Minnie Driver could have secured herself a huge cheque for the exclusive rights to those photos instead of spunking them away for free on the internet. She could have bought herself something really nice with that photoshoot money, like a plastic watch or a pair of flipflops or a couple of loaves of bread or something. Tsk.

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