Stretching back to biblical times, Christmas has always been about screwball pregnancies – and it still is.
Lance Armstrong, you see, has got his girlfriend pregnant. And since he’s only got one testicle, that’s impressive. It’s just like that time God knocked up the Virgin Mary with baby Jesus, really, but better because God almost definitely hasn’t had sex with Sheryl Crow or one of the Olsen Twins.
So congratulations to Lance Armstrong and his girlfriend. Truly this is the greatest Christmas present of all. Or, more accurately, the greatest Christmas present that’ll crap everywhere and grow up to resent everything you’ve done for it.
Lance Armstrong is a modern-day hero, for all kinds of reasons. His incredible run of Tour De France wins prove that he’s a master of strength and endurance, his battle with cancer is proof of his insurmountable spirit and he can also hang out with Matthew McConaughey without smacking him across the back of the skull with a shovel and tipping him into an abandoned well, making him more tolerant than about 98% of other human beings.
But Lance Armstrong won’t go down in history for any of these things. No – the thing that most people will remember Lance Armstrong for is his incredible dedication to having it off with every single famous woman who strays within 30 feet of him. The list is endless – Lance Armstrong has had it off with one of the Olsen twins, with Kate Hudson and even with Sheryl Crow until she cried.
However, Lance Armstrong’s legendary swordsmanship will have to come to an end now, because he’s only gone and accidentally knocked up his girlfriend Anna Hansen. You know how it is – you’ve both had a few drinks, things start hotting up and the next thing you know you’re going through a physically and emotionally painful course of in vitro fertilisation with sperm that you had frozen right before you started an agonising course of chemotherapy to treat your testicular cancer. We’ve all been there. People reports:
Lance Armstrong and girlfriend Anna Hansen are expecting their first child together, the cycling champ tells PEOPLE. “Anna and I are thrilled to confirm that we are expecting in June and our families are ecstatic and grateful,” he says in a statement. “We are very much looking forward to what 2009 brings on many fronts.” He adds: “We appreciate respecting our privacy, as we are both eager to celebrate the holidays as a family.”
So congratulations to Lance Armstrong for beating the odds yet again, and double congratulations to Anna Hansen, for a) convincing Lance Armstrong to get you pregnant after being with him for what can feasibly only be about three or four months and b) finally taming the wild stallion for good.
After all, it’s not as if Lance Armstrong is callous enough to leave a woman shortly after she’s given birth to his children, is it? It is? That’s exactly what he did with his last wife?
Oh, OK, scrap that last bit.