And there we were thinking that Ashlee Simpson called her baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz because she hates it and wants it to be bullied forever.
How wrong we were. According to some reports, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz may have settled on Bronx Mowgli Wentz because then they’d have a baby with the initials BMW, vastly increasing the chance of BMW giving the couple a new car as a way of thanking them for the unofficial endorsement of their brand.
But that hasn’t happened. A BMW spokesman has been quoted as saying that Bronx Mowgli Wentz wouldn’t be getting a free car, not even on his 16th birthday. You know what this means, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz? It’s back to the drawing board. In nine months’ time, baby Tassimo Easyjet Argos PlayStation Tizer Wentz is going to turn your luck around!
Bronx Mowgli Wentz. It’s been four days since Ashlee Simpson gave birth to Pete Wentz’s baby and the name still hasn’t sunk in.
Bronx Mowgli Wentz. It’s not even a bad name – it’s a name that’s bordering on evil. At least Knox Leon Jolie-Pitt can use his middle name to avoid schoolyard bullying. But what’ll happen if Bronx Mowgli does the same? He’ll not only get beaten up, but he’ll get beaten up by children screaming “Oobee doo, I wanna be like you-ooh-ooh!” into his crying face. And that’s obviously worse.
But still, at least Bronx Mowgli Wentz will have a successful future career as the author of several A Child Called It-style misery-lit memoirs entitled things like What Kind Of Idiot Names Their Son Bronx? and My Surname Was Already Wentz, You Didn’t Have To Make My Other Names Stupid Too. And that’s just as well, because Bronx Mowgli Wentz sure as hell isn’t getting a free car out of it.
You see, Bronx Mowgli Wentz’s name is so stunningly bad that some people have felt the need to try and explain it away, because an explanation – any explanation – would help rid them of their fear and confusion. And the most convincing explanation so far is that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz opted for Bronx Mowgli Wentz because then he’d have the initials BMW, which would automatically entitle him to a free car.
But, as someone from TMZ with too much time on their hands discovered, nobody’s getting a free car. Not now, and not in the year 2024 either:
We contacted BMW, who told us: “A new born baby is a magical moment for any family and we are happy that their son shares the same initials as us, but as for a free car on his sixteenth birthday we can not make any promises.”
Now that’s not because giving cars to anyone who happens to have the initials would be a dangerous precedent that would bankrupt the company in months, but because by the time Bronx Mowgli is 16 it’ll take a decade of back-breaking labour just to afford to fill a car with enough petrol to get to the shops and it’d no longer be economically viable.
Either that or because everyone at BMW thinks that Fall Out Boy are a pile of shit. Both theories are perfectly acceptable.
Mike says
I want one. The little ghost friend is cool, too.
Bronx Mowgli Wentz says
You can imaging all the BMW employees chuckling about this one.. What a joke..
jo_n_sam says
So wot if they decided to give their son a mad name he’s gonna grow up 2b a rock star n he’s got a rock star name, n 4 your information fall out boy, pete wentz, ashlee simpson and bronx all rock (that little boy will never b bullied), wots up u jealous that a new born baby is already officially cooler than u!
mikey says
ahhh, jo_n_sam…no doubt some emo youth types. Certainly young enough to remember being bullied yourselves (I can tell by the use of shortened words!), and as with all bullied youths, you listen to the pretend, faux-punk, watered-down-metal twangings of all that middle of the road tripe, from bands who either used to be bullied themselves, or are sent out wearing make-up by jaded record-company execs in the hope that losers like you guys will buy into the “image”, then buy any old pap they produce!
It even seems that you’re buying into the offspring they produce by defending the naming of the baby. It is NOT a cool name, it’s a fucking affliction! This child will not be thanking these two trumped up hicks when it gets to school and WILL, make no bones about it, be bullied (kids don’t care if the parents are “rock stars” they are just fantastically, entertainingly cruel!)
You were right about one thing though. He probably will grow up to be a “rock” star….producing the kind of meaningless, vacuous, emotionless twaddle that you so clearly love.
shanksta says
Oh please, this child probably won’t even have to defend his name anyway. We’ve got kids named Apple, and Cocoa in the celebrity world, and I HIGHLY doubt any of these names will cause life long problems for the kids. And even IF this kid needs a defense for his name, so what. If this kid gets made fun of, he’ll get over it. I’m sure the money he’ll have will help him sleep a lot better, and please, it could have been worse, they could’ve named him Cletus Walnut or something.
As for mikey’s “emo youth types” remark, don’t even bother going there, your attempt at being clever is jaded. We’ve all heard the points made by many others before you. So whether or not YOU like the band, doesn’t mean someone else can’t find a connection with it, and how the hell can you even know what record companies do to every single band? Just zip it until you can state facts and not just generalizations about a genre or a business itself.
gir says
hahahah shanksta likes fall out boy
or ashlee simpson, which is even more bewildering
Sarah says
The fact that shanksta can actually spell and punctuate astounds me. Still, it was just a bunch of nonsense.
eddie says
bronx isn’t that bad of a name.
besides by the time he’s old enough to go to school
im sure half our kids’ names will be just as stupid.
it’s not your baby anyway
so idk why ur all on ur period about it
padilpr1640 says
Again it is not your baby so stop being stupid and get over it why do you care what Pete Wentz named his baby he can do what ever the fuck he wants he is Pete Wentz!