If you’re named Bronx Mowgli Wentz, it’s a given that you’ll end up either in therapy or buying a great big bag of guns.

Both outcomes are hideously expensive – any therapy you had would last for decades and the legal bills you’d rack up from climbing a clocktower and blasting away indiscriminately at strangers for an hour as revenge for the years of teasing would be immense – so it’s just as well that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have already worked out a way to set Bronx Mowgli Wentz up with a fortune.

According to reports, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz could command anything up to $2 million from magazines in exchange for exclusive photos of the baby. The money would go a long way to help clean up all the gallons of poo, pee, snot and runny vomit that the couple have found themselves living amid this last week. Or they could use it to wipe up the mess that baby Bronx Mowgli made instead. It’s up to them.

He may have only been born a week ago, but nevertheless it’ll still go down in history as the happiest week of baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz’s life. Over the coming days, weeks and months Bronx Mowgli will start to develop sentient thought, and then it’s all going to go tits up.

In time, Bronx Mowgli will discover that the bad noise he’s constantly forced to listen to is what his father does for a living, that the glowing orange woman with the Tonka truck jaw who keep visiting him is actually his aunt and – worst of all – that people keep saying the stupefying phrase ‘Bronx Mowgli’ around him because that’s actually his sodding name. We wouldn’t like to be him when he works that one out.

But it’s not all bad news for Bronx Mowgli Wentz, because there’s a very good likelihood that he’ll be richer than his wildest dreams in the next week or two. Although he’s just the lowly son of the bassist from the world’s sixth most interesting emo band and a woman primarily famous for being the sister of another woman who had a reality TV show once, exclusive baby photos of Bronx Mowgli Wentz could fetch anything up to $2 million. Monsters And Critics reports:

Publicist Howard Bragman said: “I see Ashlee and Pete coming in at the low seven figures mark. Two million seems like a good, solid figure for Ashlee and Pete. It’s a two-celeb couple, so that’s a boost for them. Keep in mind, last year, Ashlee was the girl who sang along to the tape recorder. It was a PR nightmare. Now, she’s a newlywed and a new mom, so she’s a lot more relatable.”

Two million dollars seems like quite an optimistic figure for pictures of Bronx Mowgli Wentz, doesn’t it? Remember that Christina Aguilera was only paid $1.5 million for her baby photos and it turned out that nobody could be bothered to get excited about them. And since Christina Aguilera is a woman who most people have actually heard of, it wouldn’t seem like Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are in for a monster payday.

Cuh. First no free BMW and now a potentially reduced fee for pictures of their baby? Why, it’s almost like nobody really cares about Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, isn’t it?

But, however much Pete and Ashlee do end up getting for their baby photos, at least Bronx Mowgli Wentz can grow up in the knowledge that his parents got to spend that money on whatever exciting crap they wanted. Not like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s twins, who could only look on helplessly as their parents donated their fee to charity. The stupid charity-loving idiots.

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