Jennifer Garner has more reason than most to celebrate 2009 – and not just because it’s a year potentially free of Gary Busey’s pervy spittle.
No, apparently Jennifer Garner is having a baby. Or she’s had a baby. Or she’s about to have a baby. Nobody really seems to know. Jennifer Garner checked into a hospital on New Year’s Eve with Ben Affleck, and she’s darned if she’s not coming out without a baby.
So congratulations to Jennifer Garner. And double congratulations if the baby ends up more like you than Ben Affleck. And triple congratulations if he’s not the father. Happy new year!
When it comes to heavy, almost overbearing symbolism, giving birth to a baby at the start of a new year is about as good as it gets. Both signify a fresh start, a blank canvas on which it seems that anything is possible. Both come with a mixture of excitement and trepidation for the future. And, a few months in, you’ll be chronically sleepless, covered in shit and wondering what the fuss was all about. They’re identical.
So with that in mind, we should all be jolly envious of Jennifer Garner, because if she hasn’t had her new baby already, then she’s going to have it any minute. According to reports, Garner and husband Ben Affleck have been holed up in a Los Angeles hospital waiting for the baby since New Year’s Eve. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:
Actress Jennifer Garner has sparked reports she’s planning to ring in the New Year with a new baby after checking into a California hospital. The star is nine months pregnant with her second child, and she and husband Ben Affleck were spotted entering Los Angeles’ Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.
Lucky old Jennifer Garner, we can totally relate to what she’s going through – although Ben Affleck has only ever caused us to scream and writhe around in agony for hours on end that time we thought we decided to try and watch Bounce all the way through in one go, not because he knocked us up with an actual baby.
Of course, this won’t be the first time that Jennifer Garner has given birth to one of Ben Affleck’s children – back in 2005 she gave birth to their first daughter Violet – but it is the first time that we’ve doubted Affleck’s paternity.
Sure, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck might be in a loving, monogamous relationship – but wasn’t it just over nine months ago that Gary Busey drooled across Jennifer Garner’s neck on the Oscars red carpet? Doesn’t she realise that one atom of Busey dribble is more potent than an entire ocean of human sperm? If we were her we’d keep a hammer by the side of the bed, just in case the baby comes out with big buck teeth, weird googly eyes and a horrifying lack of self-awareness. You can’t be too careful.
So Jennifer Garner has either had a baby or she’s about to – that’s the good news. The bad news is there’s now another mouth to feed and Ben Affleck isn’t exactly going to be able to provide for everyone by directing surprisingly decent but barely-watched arthouse movies about abducted children all the time. So this time next year when Changing Lanes 2 is rush-released, remember that it wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for Ben Affleck’s randy loins, OK?