Minnie Driver Has A Baby, Bewilderingly Names It Story

When it comes to curly-haired British minor actresses, it goes without saying that Minnie Driver is definitely in our top two or three hundred.

That’s why we’re just so thrilled that Minnie Driver has managed to successfully give birth to her first baby. It’s been reported that Minnie Driver gave birth to her son on Friday, and she’s even named it Henry Story Driver. Story. It’s almost as if Minnie Driver is playing along at being a celebrity, isn’t it? It’s sweet.

Not too much is known about Minnie Driver’s baby, but fingers crossed that it hasn’t inherited Minnie’s humongous jaw and, if it has, that it wasn’t a natural birth. Delivering a baby can be painful enough at the best of times, so imagine how bad it’d be to have an industrial jack holding your clodge apart so you baby’s giant mandible doesn’t get snarled up in it. Congratulations Minnie!

An international team of scientists recently discovered that the words ‘Minnie Driver’ were the two words in the English language least likely to provoke a reaction from any human being, even if they’re actually related to Minnie Driver.

Seriously, finding the point of Minnie Driver is an epic task. Minnie Driver is quite a good actress but not enough to get excited about. She’s quite pretty but not enough to get excited about, either. And we’re studiously avoiding hearing her music because we hear it’s terrible, so we can’t even get excited about that. If it wasn’t for her brief appearance at a Malibu gas rally almost two years ago, we’d barely even remember that Minnie Driver existed.

However, Minnie Driver has had a baby, which is quite good news if you like babies we suppose. And she’s called it Henry Story, after her two favourite things in the world - stories and the film Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer. And nobody knows who the dad is.

And, look, that’s it. That’s all we know about Minnie Driver’s baby. Honestly, that’s all anybody knows about Minnie Driver. Even that great bastion of mostly-credible news MSNBC could only manage three minuscule paragraphs about Minnie Driver’s baby before falling back on this enthralling piece of information:

Henry Story was heavier than Matthew McConaughey’s newborn, Levi, who weighed 7 lbs., 4 oz. when he was born in July. And he weighed almost twice as much as the twins born to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt earlier this summer. Their son, Knox Leon, weighed 5 lbs., 3 oz., while his twin sister, Vivienne Marcheline, weighed in at just 5lbs.

Informative! Actually, MSNBC has a point - Minnie Driver’s baby weighed 9 lbs., 12 oz, which is roughly the same weight as seven basketballs.

And if Minnie Driver can push seven basketballs out of her body, then she’s wasted in Hollywood - she should move to Thailand, where her services will be genuinely appreciated.